Telling In Laws about Second Pregnancy

[akh1234]

We are expecting our second child. My inlaws have always been distant. They live abroad, but within a 60 minute flight, and covid travel restrictions mean that they have been able to travel freely between here and there since 19 July.

My lo is 19 months old, she was christened at 12 weeks, just before the first lockdown. They did not come to her christening as they were "too busy" with work. This obviously caused quite a lot of upset, which unfortunatey we had had to really spell out why this caused so much upset, before we got any sort of apology. They apologised to my other half, they said they would apologise to me when they next saw us. Obviously by the time that all came to a head, lockdown was in place, and noone could trvale anywhere.

They have since never made any effort with my lo. They dont facetime regularly, or ask for photos, or send little gifts in the post or anything. They ring my partner very couple of weeks, but always about 8:30/9pm when lo is obviously in bed.

They have now been able to travel for almost a month - but they let their passports lapse, and there was a scramble to get them renewed, which has now been done for a couple of weeks. They still havent arranged to come over - they have suggested maybe mid September, but they have to wait and see, that they are "too busy" with work until then.

I am now 15 weeks pregnant. We dont really want to tell them about the baby until they come and visit us and so make a bit of an effort with our first child. Other members of my husbands family - his aunt and uncle (only members of his family here in the UK who we are very close to) understand our position, but are quite nervous that lots of feelings will be hurt.

Are we being reasonable??

I’d tell them over the phone and lower your expectations, unfortunately if someone isn’t interested in your children it’s their loss.

I think YABU. If your child was born nineteen months ago and christened at 12 weeks, we would certainly have been in the middle of a global lockdown not before the start of it.

Travel has been far from straightforward since July 19th. Rule still prone to changing at the drop of a hat and I have read reports of awful queues at immigration which just the thought of would put me off travelling right now.

Your proposed action, is not going to lead to anything positive and strikes me as spiteful.

What kitty whiskers said. You can’t force a relationship if they don’t want one. Just tell them and accept they won’t be involved in your kids lives.

What if they don’t interact with your DC1 when (if) they visit in a way you are happy with?

I understand that you are hurt at their lack of interest but it's just the way they are. Lower your expectations and your effort with them. Tell them about your pregnancy over the phone, don't expect too much, don't invest any more emotion in them. Celebrate your pregnancy with those that care.

I’d take DHs lead here…

But they don’t seem especially interested in the child you’ve got, so I don’t think you need to worry that you’ll upset them. You haven’t seen them to tell them!

Although I should probably say that I’m 21 weeks pregnant and haven’t “announced” it, and there’s still people who don’t know, and I don’t really think it’s a big deal… the in-laws do know and have since eleven weeks, but that’s because we see them often, and DH wanted to tell them.

The way you reacted about them not coming to the christening it's no wonder they can't be bothered. They live abroad and they work, and that means you can't always attend every event.

This obviously caused quite a lot of upset, which unfortunatey we had had to really spell out why this caused so much upset, before we got any sort of apology.

So much upset? So much drama, more like it.

Well the easy way of settling with family is "we want to tell them in person" surely. Sorted.

I agree with others that you need to lower your expectations of them and I'd just tell them you're pregnant over the phone/FaceTime.

Either they're anxious about travel or something and aren't telling you, they genuinely are too busy or they're not interested. Whatever it is, you're not going to change them.

What a nasty responses of some here.
I understand it hurts if the grandparents don’t bother to show any interest in your children, I had the same issue with my parents before I went NC with them.

As others have said, the best you can do, is to lower your expectations. I personally would let my DH tell them the news over the phone, if I were you, and don’t even expect to get a congratulations from them. Don’t allow yourself to get disappointed any further by their behavior.

Also, let your DH take the lead. If he doesn’t bother to tell them, let it be. Before I went NC with my parents, I had considered what to do if I would get pregnant again and my conclusion was that I would probably send them a text or let my aunt (that I have a close relationship with) tell them the news. Nothing to do with spite, but just trying to protect myself from further disappointment. They clearly feel they owe you and your DC nothing so keep that in mind & treat them in the exact same manner.

Maybe you could provide a job description and annual appraisals?

Don’t play games. You do you and let them do them.

@Aquamarine1029

The way you reacted about them not coming to the christening it's no wonder they can't be bothered. They live abroad and they work, and that means you can't always attend every event.

This obviously caused quite a lot of upset, which unfortunatey we had had to really spell out why this caused so much upset, before we got any sort of apology.

So much upset? So much drama, more like it.

Agree with this. Why should they have to 'apologise' for not travelling abroad for a christening?

Unfortunately I think YABU. They don't sound like they're that interested but by not telling them you're pregnant when everyone else knows you've made it into something bigger. It's likely that they already know because family will likely have told them. It is up to you, but I wouldn't want it turning into "Well we aren't telling them until they're interested in DD" "Well we're not going to see them and showing interest until they tell us about the pregnancy!" and neither of you talking.

You can't make them be interested in their grandchildren. But you can treat them accordingly. So you tell them you're pregnant but don't try harder than they do. Your DC will grow up knowing that granny and grandad were invited but didn't want a close relationship, but they won't blame you for keeping their grandparents out of their lives if they tell them "Well your mum and dad didn't even tell us you were on the way!".

Just tell them now. And accept that they are not going to be in your children’s lives as you would like them to be

They live abroad and are not interested it’s as simple as that. Accept it and move on

YABVVVU
They live abroad
They don’t need to be sending gifts or wanting to FaceTime a toddler (which in my experience over the last few years was akin to baptising a cat)
Lower your expectations and stop playing games you sound ridiculously hard work.

Perhaps they will be more interested once the children are older.

To a certain extent, grandparents get to choose their level of 'grandparenting'. Obvs if they're being overbearing that's a different issue than noninvolvement and pushback may be needed. But we don't get to demand that they make more effort than they feel like. All we can do if we want them in our children's lives is accept what they offer and move on.

It seems to me your attitude is more about punishing them for not meeting your 'standards'. Just ring them and tell them, no need to make some sort of thing out of it.

I don’t think it’s unusual for grand parents to not FaceTime or send gifts. DP’s parents keep birthday and Christmas presents until they see my daughter and as they don’t do that more than 1 or 2 times a year it makes them pointless. It’s just how they are.

My dad however happily talks nonsense to my 3 year old on the phone as she plays and will happily travel 4 hours in a day to pop up for lunch.

There is reason that she looked blankly at DP’s Dad when she saw him earlier this year and said “you aren’t grandad”!

You get what you sow with kids. Their loss.

YABU
You sound very dramatic. They've made it quite clear they aren't prioritising your child. That's their decision, and in fairness they live abroad, there's been a pandemic, and they work!!

Stop being weird and tell them over the phone. Why would you want to cause more drama?