Loneliness of motherhood

[Tulipgold898]

Does it get easier with time?

I know there are some SAHM here who feel lonely and whilst I do work I effectively SAH because of working from home.

Have some family, don’t really have any friends. Had colleagues but have very little adult interaction day to day due to pandemic changes. Difficult to join groups with young kids and even if I do there’s no guarantee that I’ll make friendships. Joined a few baby groups and never had much luck beyond making acquaintances. Part of the problem is that I’m quite introverted and a little depressed which means I’ve lost interest in most things so not the most exciting person to be friends with.

Does the loneliness get easier?

Ah OP, was soooo lonely after DD 1, and depressed too I think. I was the first in my peer group to have kids and honestly? I was dropped by my old friends like a stone, it was hard.
Yes, it did get better but only after I got some clinical help with my depression but mainly, when I met some like minded people, who also had kids, hrough mum and baby groups. I can remember the first time I laughed out loud when chatting to someone at one of these and thinking "God! When did I last laugh?" I still know some of these people 20 years later.
I hadn't gone to any groups since ante-natal classes, which TOTALLY put me off, but after six months of terrible isolation finally cracked and was lucky enough to find one locally that I fitted into a bit, (although had to try a few first.) I had no idea how to integrate initially, but by helping out, putting my name on the rota for setting up and tidying away I gradually had the chance to chat properly and it changed absolutely everything.
Huge love and hugs to you. Reaching out is the first step and you've done it today, bloody well done. xxxxx

Everyone's different so this unlikely to apply to you but seeing as you asked...It got easier for me when my efforts of making new friends resulted me getting new friends, yay? No. that cured it for me, it's a lot of hard work and then you have to keep it going and I'm just not used to the maintenance required. So happy to be back to where I was. I'm content.

Ohh OP, I can so relate. How old is your child/ren?

I'm also quite introverted and I found it difficult to form meaningful friendships through baby clubs - often, the only thing we had in common was having recently had a baby, which is hardly enough to sustain a conversation let alone a friendship!

Honestly, I just found I needed one or two mates and then I was fine. I ended up reconnecting with long-forgotten school friends who - as I had - moved home to have their families. Have you used Peanut? It's like a dating app for mums - haven't used it myself but I know a few who have, and they love it.

It is hard though, and an aspect of motherhood that I wasn't prepared for. Weirdly, take comfort in the fact that it's so common to feel lonely - there are a lot of people around you who are desperate for a friend and some company, you just haven't met them yet!

The best way I made new parent friends was to be really open and friendly with every parent I came across. For example when the park near us had another parent with their similar aged child I'd have a chat and if we got along suggest we become facebook friends or get together for a playdate sometime. I also wrote on our local parent facebook group that I was looking to connect with parents with similar aged kids and if anyone fancied making a whatsapp group. Ended up with a really good bunch of mum friends on whatsapp who live nearby, it's been invaluable, and several other parent friends I can message whenever and meet up with. At swimming lessons when the term ended I suggested a group whatsapp and that's blossoming with a few plans afoot to get together at soft play or wherever.

You have to put yourself out there, if you get along with someone don't be afraid to say you should get coffee after the group next time or to suggest a playdate sometime, don't worry about whether or not you're imposing, if someone doesn't want to then they will make an excuse or won't be enthusiastic about it if you do link up via messenger. Most people will be pleased you're putting the effort in! You might only make a new friend one in every 10/20 times you take the plunge but you have to at least try, new friends don't sadly drop into your lap.

I've heard the peanut app is good for making new parent friends too.

I've found having a new baby to be the easiest time ever to make new friends as you automatically have a common interest, you are usually in need of support navigating a new experience together, can do things with the kids, often off work for a bit. Might be a bit different if your kids are older and you're working but you just have to try the above with age appropriate groups.

I can totally relate op! I’m in Australia and had my baby during some of the first lockdowns. None of my friends have kids and all of the social activities where you might meet others with kids (prenatal yoga, childbirth classes, mums groups etc) were all canceled or moved online.

I’m very introverted so find meeting people hard enough as it is. Having to reach out to people on local Facebook groups or apps has been very scary.

I’m so lonely and isolated. Also still working from home so don’t even get to interacting with my colleagues as much as I used to! I’m just learning to accept that this is probably how life will be for a while now l.

How old are your DC, OP?

I struggled a lot on mat leave, and that was pre-Covid. Can you go in to an office at all, a few days a week?

Can you meet up with colleagues or acquaintances for the occasional lunch or coffee?

Now things are picking up again, could you join a group in the evening, like a choir or book club? If your DC go to nursery can you try and chat to some other Mum’s at drop off or pick up?

I take sertraline for PND, and it’s great. If you’re not feeling better soon do see a GP.

for everyone struggling; it’s a really hard time.

Thanks everyone for the kind messages

It is really tough. I feel like if I was a bit more extroverted and didn’t have kids it might be easier to join groups and try to make friends from there. As it is with working I don’t have much time for this. I have one day off a week with my kids (2 and 1 year old) and I will try to join a group with them but not feeling that hopeful to be honest. As someone said above often the only thing you have in common is being parents. I really wish my group of friends from school had stayed in touch or that I’d made a group of friends at university. Haven’t had much luck with reconnecting with anyone either. I haven’t tried posting on local Facebook groups but I’ve been on mine for several years and never seen anyone posting for this reason.

No reason not to give it a try! When I moved cities a few years back I posted in a local group for an interest saying I was new to the area and if anyone fancied going for a drink I was up for it. Got so many replies from people offering to hang out. Ended up meeting a woman who turned out to become one of my absolute best friends, it's been five years now since we met and I can't imagine my life without her, she is my family.

It doesn't have to be intense. A simple 'hey all, I'm looking to make some new friends if anyone out there is hoping for the same! a bit about your interests, if you fancy a coffee let me know' will do. There may be others who would love to make a new friend but don't have the guts to put themselves out there. What do you have to lose?

I agree, it's hard and lockdowns have made it so much harder. Good news, it does get better, did for me anyway ! When they went to nursery and especially school it was so easy to suggest playdates, basically "hi, I'm xx's mum, she always talks a lot about your DC, fancy going to the park?" Even if you don't get along you just chat about their nursery or school and if you do, next time meet for coffee without kids ! I know Mumsnet hates making friends at school gates but has worked for me.

I have tried a few of those mum looking for mum friends things and really found them quite awkward, sometimes you just don't have much in common, your kids don't want to play together and it just feels a bit forced. (Might be just me, I never liked online dating either )

Oh just wanted to add, I was so unconfident especially when my second DD came along, I just felt so out of depth, had PND and always felt everyone else was doing so well, enjoyed being a parent and managed to be interesting human beings with their own lifes at the same time. Unsurprisingly I really struggled making friends then, just like you I felt I wasn't very interesting. Then little by little that got better too and that must have helped.

If you feel you are depressed it might be a good idea to speak to your GP, I know from my experience it might not be successful but I've heard good stories too.

Good luck

Do you have to work from home, Tulip? We're now out of lockdown and people are going back in to work.

I worked part time from when mine was very little and enjoyed it very much. It made such a difference to my life to be in an adult environment and, though many of my colleagues had children, we had other things to deal with and talk about.

Like others on this thread, I would have felt awkward about joining groups of mothers and babies/toddlers, would have soon run out of things to say. However they weren't really any groups like that when mine was a baby so the situation didn't arise.

I think I will eventually start going in for 1-2 days and I hope that helps a little. Unfortunately all my team are now early 20 somethings (almost everyone older has left) so I don’t think I will really fit in but I guess some company is better than nothing.

I think being away from work over maternity leave and having colleagues leave has made me realise how transient those work ‘friendships’ were and how I need something else outside off what

Tulipgold, one or two days a week out at work is a good idea, I started off doing two days when I first returned to work.

I don't think it matters how old your colleagues are, I always worked with people of all ages. If you can do your job, you will fit in.

It will be good for you.

Hi op not easy. Its hard since covid. Maybe there might be meetups in your area or ask your health centre if anything local. First move is hardest.