For still feeling totally unappreciated?

[Oldtiredfedup]

Partner works long hours. I stay at home, do majority of housework and picking up after everyone plus stupidly long school runs and other outside of the home care duties which benefits the whole family.

Not that long ago he told me that he did more than me around the house. I have a background of living with DV/A - housework was a regular tool by which to measure my ‘worth’ and history has been rewritten by the abuser which advantaged him and resulted in life-changing stuff, so I’m quite sensitive about it.

I severely cut back in what I have been doing around the house, (stupidly) hoping I’d get some recognition and appreciation for what I do. Instead I’ve been told that Ive not pulled MH weight, been completely unfair and unreasonable and have been very silly because all it’s done is prove just how dispensable I am because he’s done it all without me (the house is a state)

I ding even know what to think at this point - he now claims he never said any of this stuff and just dismisses me if I try to bring up how hurt I am: apparently I should be more appreciative of him (I don’t do anything, I dong go anywhere, I don’t buy myself anything, I scrimp trying to source most things through free Facebook pages - the only things I push for are stuff either for my daughter to do or family trips out - I think that is showing my appreciation by trying to spend as little money as possible)

How old are your kids?
It sounds like you need to go back to work and separate. Neither of you is happy with the current setup.

If only it was that easy.

What are you doing all day when the kids are in school?

So your ex used to shame you about how much housework he perceived you had done? Now it seems as if your husband is doing the same? Has he actually said you are dispensable?

I would be getting a job and some financial independence ASAP.

He sounds abusive too

Can you explain some background? It sounds like you’re a SAHM, how many kids and what ages? And are they your partner’s?

The abuse background—is that with him or an ex?

I don’t get why you would think stopping doing housework would make him more appreciative of you normally doing it? In his mind it’s your job, the same way working is his job.

If your partner is working long hours and you are at home, then you should be doing the majority of the housework . But it sounds like there is a lot more to this only your post isn’t really very clear. Is it an ex or your parents that were abusive regarding housework, or current partner? Why don’t you go out? Why don’t you spend anything?

@Aprilx

If your partner is working long hours and you are at home, then you should be doing the majority of the housework . But it sounds like there is a lot more to this only your post isn’t really very clear. Is it an ex or your parents that were abusive regarding housework, or current partner? Why don’t you go out? Why don’t you spend anything?

Exactly this. What is going on here?

So you've come out of an abusive relationship into what has now turned out to be an abusive relationship. He might not raise a hand to you, but he's gaslighting you, sounds like he's financially abusive and he's emotionally abusive. He's already told you, you're dispensable.

Someone you love and respect isn't dispensible. Commodities and staff are.

There's got to be a lot more to this OP.

How old are your children? Are you able to get a job and get some financial independence? It really does sound like you need some. I'm not having a go either but the fact you don't feel like you can spend money and go without isn't right.

Yep, you’ve got an abuser and he is also using housework as the stick to beat you with and is also gaslighting you.

Stop doing anything for him, hopefully it will change his attitude.