3 month old baby... Feeling down at times. Hand hold ❤️

[Mummasdiary2021]

Do you ever have those days where you just feel so down? This might be a long one as I need to unload so grab a cuppa.

I have a 3 month old baby and a 5 year old boy. Baby is mostly chilled but is clingy. She's breastfed and it's my first time breastfeeding as I couldn't with my son. I found breastfeeding really hard, bleeding nipples etc but battled through and now we are doing well. 5 year old is mostly well behaved, but does have his moments. I adore them both and love being a mum. Other half works super hard and doesn't cope with multi tasking as well as I do. He's not perfect but tries really hard to support us all and is also exhausted and stressed alot from work as he is in quite a senior role and it's a new job as we have recently moved. For context He's just eaten his lunch in the bath as it's the only time he had between meetings (weird but each to their own).

But sometimes it kills me that I just don't get a break. Sometimes I ask him to hold her for 20 mins so that in that short space of time I can have a bath, get dressed, drink my cold cup of coffee and eat my lunch. Often he's too busy or needs a break after working but doesn't seem to understand that I don't get a break. His brother has just come to stay with us (only for 1 night) but it was agreed by their mother that he would stay when visiting (he lives in Ireland so doing a round trip with all the family). He's visiting with his 2 year old daughter who is hard work (hits, kicks and doesnt respond verbally) and he doesn't tell her off or try and help her etc. She's hard work and I would imagine she is having a hard time too. No one asked me if I minded if he stayed (guess who has to host!) &. I'm just emotional about it. I don't get any time for myself (fine, I have 2 kids and I wouldnt change them) but I just don't need more stuff added for me to do. It's already a struggle to keep a 3 bed house and 2 kids mostly on my own. I'm just dreading it. In my other half's family it's normal for people to invite them selves over and they would think I am rude if I said anything.
I finally managed to get in the bath when baby fell asleep for all of 6 minutes and told other half I was going out as I just needed some space (with my 2 kids obvs). Most days in fine but every now I just get so overwhelmed. Other half didn't ask if I was OK or if I needed a hug or needed to talk or even if I just wanted 3 seconds to go for an uninterrupted wee! He's normally like this, not very "cuddly and emotional so to speak). Takes after his parents and sometimes I just need that. It would make all the difference to hear" babe I can see you havnt had a second to your self Today, I'm super busy right now but can take the baby later/give you a hug/make you a coffee etc) .
I'm sick of people just inviting themselves over and thinking I can pander to them. It's making me resentful and I hate that. Why doesn't anyone care how I feel or what I need. That 20 mins of alone time every few days would make all the difference.

Said family member has just turned up with ever screaming child in tow. I actually think she might have some level of autism but again, that's another story.

I just feel resentful of everyone at times. Is it me or do people really not understand how hard mum life is?
Still havnt made it out the house as baby needed another feed (it's half 5 and havnt had time to get dressed today). I just feel crap. Is it just me???

Just like to add, other half gets his down time to go to the gym which I support, but I need some time too :(

It’s not unusual to feel stressed or overwhelmed. It’s been a really difficult year. Clearly waiting for your partner to notice you need help isn’t working, so be more explicit.

Do you think you might have PND? If so, could be worth talking to the GP.

Get the brother to muck in, give him tasks. Set boundaries for the DD while she’s in your home.

Your baby + child arent the problem, your dh is. Hand the children over to him and leave the house, alone. He needs to step up and stop treating you like a second rate citizen

@Teacupsandtoast

Your baby + child arent the problem, your dh is. Hand the children over to him and leave the house, alone. He needs to step up and stop treating you like a second rate citizen

In a nutshell.

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

It’s not unusual to feel stressed or overwhelmed. It’s been a really difficult year. Clearly waiting for your partner to notice you need help isn’t working, so be more explicit.

Do you think you might have PND? If so, could be worth talking to the GP.

Get the brother to muck in, give him tasks. Set boundaries for the DD while she’s in your home.

Thank you for the advice. Not sure about the PND. most days I'm completely fine but then maybe 1 or 2 days a month I just cry and find things hard. I don't understand enough about PND to know if that's it or not so will reach out to my GP. I like the idea of getting brother to help. Making him a list as we speak. He little one is non verbal and doesn't listen or respond in anyway when you talk to her so boundary setting has always been a challenge but will keep trying. Thank you for the support

He's not the "problem". We're a team. He's not breastfeeding or a SAHM so doesn't understand what it entails and it's hard to communicate that. I'm not ready to leave my baby. She's fed on demand.
A partner who isn't 100% perfect isn't a problem and I hate that people on this site jump to that response. He's just as entitled to feel overwhelmed, my post was about needing a rant and finding better ways to communicate with him. He's not emotional like me and it can be hard to find a middle ground

But he is the problem though. It’s also not working as a team if he isn’t supporting you and you get zero down time. You should both get some time off

Your DH is the problem.

He gets time to go to the gym - you have none.

He is working all hours - he needs to set a boundary- I get it hard but family first!!

He didn't speak to his family to set a boundaries about relatives coming to stay when you are struggling.

He is not checking in that you are ok.

I understand it is hard with 2 young children and breastfeeding makes it even harder. I wasn't ready to leave my breastfed babies for a while but DH could still take them for a walk, check in on me, take older sibling out.

As above. How are you a team if you aren't even being facilitated a piss in peace?

I think you just have to put your cards on the table and be more assertive with the other people in your life. Take the emotion out of a situation and spell out what you need calmly but clearly. So many of us are over-worked and overwhelmed but families can and must find time for each other, even if it's only time to let you have a quick bath in peace. Explain to your DH that if you can't at least do that then you're going to crack. In a loving and supportive relationship he should take that on board and ask how your day's been or if you'd like a coffee.

As for the others, it's fine if a family is in the habit of inviting themselves over and you don't have a particular problem with that, but they must take you as they find you and they absolutely must pitch in. I'd 'host' when I'd specifically invited people, but otherwise they're there as a part of the household and must not add to your load either physically or mentally. Your message, if you don't want to say no, is that's how it is, they can't have it both ways by inviting themselves as family and then behaving like a guest.

I'd be put out and dragged down if my MIL arranged visitors to stay at ours, let alone if they were then thoughtless and draining. I have had a friend visit with his two children and because there was a woman in the house he thought he could just leave them to me. It's not on. Your BIL needs reminding that he's parenting.

A word with your health visitor or doctor about your own wellbeing and a few ground rules should start to ease the way. Be kind to yourself, realise there are challenging days, especially with breastfeeding and the adjustment to becoming a family of four

I'm sick of people just inviting themselves over and thinking I can pander to them. It's making me resentful and I hate that. Why doesn't anyone care how I feel or what I need. That 20 mins of alone time every few days would make all the difference.

You're not unreasonable to feel like this, of course you're not. Have you said this to your husband? What was his response?

He is part of the problem though if he gets to piss off down to the gym and you can't even get 10 minutes for yourself.

Tell all of this to your dh.Ask him for a hand hold irl.💐

If you and your partner are genuinely a team, which is not at all the impression I get from your posts, then talk to him. Tell him you’re struggling and need a break. Yes you’re a SAHM and BF but he should be doing 50% of everything that isn’t the feeding outside of his work hours so nappy changes, bath time, talking them both out for a walk at the weekend, making sure you’ve had chance for a shower and coffee every morning before he starts work etc. As for the annoying family, say no if it doesn’t suit and certainly don’t play host- ‘baby needs a feed, help yourself to a drink from the kitchen, ask DP if you can’t find anything’ would be my go-to.

@Mummasdiary2021

He's not the "problem". We're a team. He's not breastfeeding or a SAHM so doesn't understand what it entails and it's hard to communicate that. I'm not ready to leave my baby. She's fed on demand. A partner who isn't 100% perfect isn't a problem and I hate that people on this site jump to that response. He's just as entitled to feel overwhelmed, my post was about needing a rant and finding better ways to communicate with him. He's not emotional like me and it can be hard to find a middle ground

You're a 'team' but he's too busy or too tired after work to give his wife 20 minutes to tend to basic human needs and necessities? He can stick baby in the sling, help the 5 year old some colouring and still do his very important job while you piss in peace. I'm not saying run off for hours but a 30 minute walk alone isn't asking him for much

@Mummasdiary2021 since I posted I can see you've been offended by PPs' comments and are defensive about your DH.

It sounds accurate that he's busy and stressed, a house move, a new job, a new baby in the house are all major life events in their own right, so you both have an awful lot on your plate. It's also true that the person who's not doing the SAH parenting or breastfeeding won't totally understand what that's like, but you have to find a way of explaining that he relates to.

You say you're a team but you need to feel it rather than try and convince us. A team is only as strong as its weakest member. You talk about feelings of resentment, which I fully understand, so you need the cause of that resentment to be removed, starting with the small things that can easily be changed.

Just put the baby down, playmat, playgym, baby chair, whatever, she does not need to be held all the time

@Mummasdiary2021

Just like to add, other half gets his down time to go to the gym which I support, but I need some time too :(

Well, herein lies the problem. Your (reasonable) complaint is that you have no downtime - which turns out to be because your DH is selfishly hogging ALL of what's available!

YOU take it all for the next three months (or however long it's been like this), then after that you split it equally.

A man who happily takes himself off to the gym regularly while his beloved wife gets NO break is indeed a problem.

[quote meadowbleu]@Mummasdiary2021 since I posted I can see you've been offended by PPs' comments and are defensive about your DH.

It sounds accurate that he's busy and stressed, a house move, a new job, a new baby in the house are all major life events in their own right, so you both have an awful lot on your plate. It's also true that the person who's not doing the SAH parenting or breastfeeding won't totally understand what that's like, but you have to find a way of explaining that he relates to.

You say you're a team but you need to feel it rather than try and convince us. A team is only as strong as its weakest member. You talk about feelings of resentment, which I fully understand, so you need the cause of that resentment to be removed, starting with the small things that can easily be changed.[/quote]
Thank you ❤️

Hi, you’ve a lot on your plate, and it is summer hols so you can’t even escape the 5 y.o. DC during school hours, right?

Breastfeeding on demand is hard, especially after 3 months when you’re at peak level of exhaustion. I had a reflux/cmpa dc2, and I found things improve here on in, as feeds space further apart and the baby gets more fun so older dc finds it more interesting. The exhaustion is brutal, that alone can make you sob and ache for a moment’s peace. Make sure you take your multivitamins and drink plenty of water - at all feeds day and night - as the baby is growing fast. The baby will not need to spend as long on the boob soon, if you’re hydrated and milk supply is good, and up that helps. A baby sling saved my sanity whilst with my other dc, I used it every day.

Regarding your DP, he sounds like mine. Happy to help plenty, but very busy and it seems unfair to expect him to pick up any more than he does, yet what i crave is emotional support, really. Someone who notices I’m exhausted and can “read the room”, give me a hug, ask how I’m doing and make sympathetic and encouraging noises. But I ain’t gonna get that, so for me the question became: how can I become resilient and independent of him supporting me emotionally?
I decided the key to it is sleep. When I sleep ok, everything improves. So I co-slept and I joined dc2 in bed as soon as dc1 was in bed asleep. I would eat my tea at 5pm with dc1, and always cook something that DH could eat at whatever time he finished work (either a quick reheat or sitting warm in slow cooker). I bought new pillows, a really soft mattress topper for our spare bed, and warm pjs and some soft fluff-free cardigans without buttons so I didn’t need a duvet. I’m not co-sleeping was the best choice as it meant not sleeping with DH, but between night feeds and DH snoring, I couldn’t have survived otherwise. I took my phone to bed, and played games, read books, messaged friends, watched Netflix if I couldn’t sleep, and this gave me my me-time, and also gave DH his evening so he could unwind and watch tv or go running (he is an introvert so company saps his energy).

Also in the morning I forced myself to be informative and practical with DH, not needy. We’d do a check-in on each other’s level of tiredness and anxiety to acknowledge that existed, then I would run through the day with him and anything that needed to be done we’d allocate between us, we’d also look ahead and plan the weekend so we had time to reconnect as well as ensure he had time playing with the kids (giving me a break, which invariably I spent gardening, as my chosen break from 24 hour childcare).

If you have an unemotional DH, it could be he is pushing emotions down as he is exhausted by them and can’t deal with yours as well as his own, or it could be he simply doesn’t really experience emotional highs and lows and can’t empathise, which is my DH to a tee. I pity you if that’s the case, as it is not easy to live with. Your best bet is not to count on him for emotional support, and find a way to do without it. Either find a friend or mum or MIL to share troubles with, or imagine you are a single parent and you have to do it all by yourself.

Good luck.