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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD to spend time with her cousin?

25 replies

fabrik · 09/08/2021 15:51

DD is 11, she's 12 next week. Her cousin is 18. They usually weren't very close, although he did live with us for a few months but DD was very young so doesn't remember.

This summer, DD has wanted to spend a lot of time with him a lot, which has been fine and he doesn't mind, and sometimes nephew, DS (22) and DD go out places etc.

But whenever DD spends time with him alone she comes back upset, apparently he always talks about his dad (DDs uncle that passed away when she was 2 so she doesn't remember him). He also says that MIL hates them all (DD, DS and him) but she loves their other cousins and that she's ‘evil’ which is making DD not want to see her. Since she's being spending more time with him, her attitude has also changed and she's started refusing to do things and answering back etc which could just be a coincidence but I'm not sure!

WIBU to tell DD she can't spend time with him? I really don't know what to do for the best so any advice will be appreciated

OP posts:

SuperSleepyBaby · 09/08/2021 15:54

Its a big age gap - and they weren’t previously close - why does she want to spend time with him now?

MissyB1 · 09/08/2021 15:54

Well he’s allowed to talk about his dad why shouldn’t he? Why would that upset your dd you’ve said yourself that she didn’t know him?
Have you asked your ds opinion? What does he think?

Sundancerintherain · 09/08/2021 15:56

Something feels off to me op.

MatildaTheCat · 09/08/2021 15:57

Sounds a bit off. Encourage her to meet friends of her own age and take a break from seeing him.

phishy · 09/08/2021 16:00

It does all seem odd, 18yo boys don’t tend to spend much time with 12yo cousins. I would be concerned about grooming, even as a very faint possibility.

peachgreen · 09/08/2021 16:09

Hmm. All seems very odd.

Original poster

fabrik · 09/08/2021 16:22

@SuperSleepyBaby

Its a big age gap - and they weren’t previously close - why does she want to spend time with him now?

I'm not sure why she wants to spend time with him now, DS and nephew used to spend a lot of time together, but DS now works fulltime and nephew doesn't so DD and him have been going bowling etc together.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2021 16:27

I can’t see the issue in him talking about his father.

Is it true what he’s saying about mother in law? It’s just an opinion you can counter it

Has she friends, people who do things with her like he does? Saying she can’t spend time with him is fine, but you need to then ask your older son not to as well and then you need to make sure she’s not just sat there lonely.

Hm2020 · 09/08/2021 16:27

This sounds very creepy also she could be coming back upset for something else but projecting it on to his dead dad and hating mil.

LuxOlente · 09/08/2021 16:28

Eh, yeah, the poison about your MIL being "evil" and the other cousins are "more loved" than this trio is a big red flag. The last thing you need is someone telling your 12 year old things that start to cut her off from her own family.

A 22 year old and an 18 year old need friends their own age. Hanging around with an 11 year old girl is odd. You wouldn't allow it if they weren't cousins - are these your sibling's children, or her father's sibling's children?

Original poster

fabrik · 09/08/2021 16:48

Yes, DD does have her own friends and she goes to their houses etc. DD and DS are usually very close but he now lives with his girlfriend so DD doesn't see him often, so I don't have a problem with them spending time together.

I wouldn't have a problem with DD and nephew spending time together either, if he didn't tell her that MIL hates them etc and if she wasn't upset everytime she got back.

OP posts:

suspiria777 · 09/08/2021 17:37

Agree with PP that this is strange simply because an 18 year old should be hanging around with friends his own age, and ideally so should your daughter with friends her own age. Also agree with PP that in the context of the comments about their grandmother, there may be an element of grooming involved. And she's upset every time she comes home? I would be wary.

However, I don't see the problem with him talking about his dad.

Original poster

fabrik · 09/08/2021 18:19

DD also hangs around with friends her own age, not sure if he does.

OP posts:

flameycakes · 09/08/2021 18:33

@fabrik

DD also hangs around with friends her own age, not sure if he does.

You seem to skirting around what people are saying about this all being weird, inappropriate and that grooming could be happening, is that deliberate in your part?

Original poster

fabrik · 09/08/2021 20:17

I never thought it could be grooming but it could be a possibility.

I just don't know what to do, as I wouldn't be able to stop DS seeing him as well as DS lives with his girlfriend and he's an adult so can see who he wants to.

OP posts:

Original poster

fabrik · 10/08/2021 00:36

I do check DDs phone as well and their conversations seem normal, DD asks him if he wants to go bowling etc and he agrees.

OP posts:

StealthRoast · 10/08/2021 00:41

I have an 18 year old son op. I also have a daughter who is almost 11 so a year behind your dd. It is beyond strange that an 18yr old would choose to hang out with an 11year old so much.

My ds has a large group of friends who all adore dd. Her godfather is one of them and they entertain her of course but wouldn’t want her hanging around with them.

Something doesn’t feel right to me. Sorry.

suspiria777 · 10/08/2021 08:13

@fabrik

I never thought it could be grooming but it could be a possibility.

I just don't know what to do, as I wouldn't be able to stop DS seeing him as well as DS lives with his girlfriend and he's an adult so can see who he wants to.

But there isn't an issue with what your son does. It's perfectly reasonable for cousins close in age to hang out, and as you say they're both adults and can do as they please. You can decide who your daughter sees, and that is what you should do. That's really all you need to do; your son is a red herring here.

Panickingpavlova · 10/08/2021 08:20

Confusing, what about Mil is she good and nice?

We had a dodgy granny who seemed to favour some gc over others and it was always spoken about.

I'd also be very wary of anything else going on as pp said.

Original poster

fabrik · 10/08/2021 10:21

@suspiria777 a PP told me that if I stopped DD seeing him, id have to stop DS as well.

MIL is nice, and seems to treat all her grandchildren the same.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 10/08/2021 10:25

Sounds like you or DP need to have a chat with Nephew.

He's not a child so adult to adult

Look Mark, every time Jess comes back shes upset because you've told her Nan doesn't love her and Jack. It isn't on to say stuff like that to her so whats going on? If it persists obviously we'll have to stop her coming out with you.

How close are you with nephews parents?

LolaButt · 10/08/2021 10:44

When a child loses their parent, they can often want to hang on to remaining family members in a way that a lot of other kids wouldn’t.

Perhaps the way your MIL treats him is his truth? Was she there for him after his father died in a consistent and caring way?

Bereaved children often feel different and set aside from other family members. This could be that situation. I wouldn’t go straight to an assumption of grooming, but I would keep it in mind.

Have you tried speaking to him about what he’s been saying? It may be that he is saying this to his cousin in the hope other family members get to hear about how hurt he feels by other family actions?

Carrotinsaladiswrong · 10/08/2021 18:51

……..You haven’t questioned at all why a grown adult wants to take their pubescent family member out constantly and is very obviously trying to beat them down emotionally so they are the only person they trust? Even if MIL was saying these things, as an adult you know better than to tell a child. Come on. The red flag is right infront of you!!!

MeridasMum · 10/08/2021 19:08

@Carrotinsaladiswrong

I totally agree with this.

Your OP and updates have made my blood run cold. I get its difficult to think about such things but surely you have to consider that he may be grooming your DD for sexual abuse.

He may not be, but how confident are you?

NumberTheory · 10/08/2021 19:40

Is her cousin socially awkward with few friends of his own?

I don't think grooming is the first thing I'd jump to, though I don't think it's wrong to be watchful about it and even if it isn't grooming now, it could become later.

The cousin's bad attitude about MiL would worry me. The DD coming back sad would to. The bad behaviour may be related but also, she's getting to an age where it's fairly typical so it might be coming from an entirely different place, is cousin a bit of a misanthrope about family life?

I think stopping altogether without something a bit more concrete is difficult and not necessarily fair or good for your DD. Extended family can create a great social network that provides support and in a diverse and robust way.

Can you ask your DS a bit more about cousin, what he's like, what's with the dislike of MiL, what might be going on with DD coming back sad, etc?

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