To be annoyed with DP?

[galania]

I've name changed for this.

I have 3 DCs with my ex (19,19 and 14) and 1 with DP (2), my ex also has a 3yo.

Yesterday, was DS1&2s birthday, so my ex came to see them and DS4 was playing with his youngest, and it was lovely.

DP was working, but last night, he told me I shouldn't have had my ex over and that DS1&2 could've gone to his instead, and he asked if he still have feelings for him () and that if he had children with his ex, he wouldn't celebrate their birthdays with her as they aren't together anymore.

Aibu to be annoyed with these comments? Or is it that unusual for exs to celebrate their childrens birthdays together?

It's lovely that you and ex can celebrate your dcs birthday together and not highly unusual, a lot of ex couples do manage to stay friendly when they share children. One day you'll be celebrating their graduations, weddings, grandchildren birthdays etc. Aee you supposed to glare at your ex from across the room? Your dp needs to get over it.

is it that unusual for exs to celebrate their childrens birthdays together?

All depends on how amicable the split was and how good their subsequent relationship is, how old the children are, whether it’s a special birthday, etc.

From what I’ve seen I don’t think it’s “the norm” when the children are much older like yours, unless it’s a special one, their 18th or 21st - and these are people who have managed to split and co-parent amicably.

But actually it sounds like your ex called in to drop cards/gifts off and stayed for a bit, not that it was a full on celebration birthday meal or anything?

It’s his issue not yours! If you are happy to spend the time celebrating with your ex then great and what a nice example to set your children.

Your partner is feeling insecure so you’d need to talk to him to find out why and how you can move on

I’d say it’s very normal to celebrate birthdays together unless there’s a complete no go, as in one party was abusive or has harassed the other one or similar.

It’s nice for kids to know that everyone can get on, even though not together.

I would celebrate my children’s birthdays with my ex and his partner quite happily (I say would because covid had prevented actually celebrations for a while). Ex certainly came to the birthday parties I organised pre covid.

Your dp needs to get a grip or he’ll be finding out about co-parenting for himself!

Nice that the little ones could play too!

It really depends on the people. Some actually stay friends, in the real sense of the word so meeting up, dropping a card, having a chat, getting together for the kids bdays etc is normal and there are no romantic feelings. That is fine and normal and great for the kids.

It's hard for people who have difficult relationships with their exes or are completely indifferent to their existence to wrap their head around this so automatically assume feelings especially if there isn't a need to be in contact , i.e. the kids are over a certain age. That's their issue,not yours.

Maybe you should have told him the plan before he went to work. Or did he know what was happening? Maybe having it at a time when he was around would have been better as he probably feels a bit left out. It's ideal when partners get on as it makes children more secure and as said there will be celebrations up ahead that will have to be done together.

I suppose you would need to imagine how you would feel if it was the other way around..his ex over while you are in work.

I went to a bbq a few weeks back that was blended beyond belief and it was lovely.

Original mum and dad.
SM #1
SM#2
Mum DP

Both maternal grandparents who split some 40 years ago and their new spouses.

I know them all well enough to know there wasn’t any tension, everyone mucked in. Saw GM playing with SM grandchildren and vice versa.

I know that would be impossible for both, but your DP is insecure.

You were hardly going to shag ex in the house with all the kids anyway.

Well it’s not something that DH and I do with DSDs mum but I’m not necessarily against it if DSD wanted to; I guess I’d expect to have it mentioned to me beforehand though

Your eldest are adults. Your being able to spend time with ex and them is essential. For birthdays, weddings, babies , bbqs etc. Their lives will be easier and their relationships better for your having demonstrated a mature healthy way dealing with breakups and co parenting. Your dh meanwhile is being childish and yanbu to be annoyed at that

@dragon50 - that sounds amazing! So many mature adults in one family! The children are so lucky!

It’s his problem, not yours. You and your ex are showing how it should be done, both parenting your kids together, even though you both have new partners.

Your current partner can learn a lot from you

Your partner sounds jealous and insecure
Is he always like this?

@TimeIhadaNameChange that’s what I was thinking at the time. DH and I remarked on it on the way home.

It was the SGM’s and ex’s playing with their various DC half siblings (for clarity - they are just siblings) children that choked me tbh.

They are my extended family so I know it hasn’t always been smooth but seeing all the adults and kids just being people was beautiful.

If ever DH and I split I hope we can keep adult conflict/relationships separate from the DC.

presumably he is aware and understanding that you are both their parents and that it is in fact lovely for them that their parents are able to get on enough to be at their birthday at the same time.

would he prefer if you had no contact and disliked each other?

DP and I both spend time with our exes and the DCs.

It’s used to be more him and his ex, as they don’t really have fixed contact times for the DC and have a kind of ‘nesting’ arrangement where the kids stay put and the adults see them in the same house.

But circumstances changed a lot for us both, so these days it sounds like he spends less time with her (although I have no idea, she may be hanging out at their house for dinner 2-3 times a week for all I know!)

My ex lives abroad so when he’s back it’s easier for the DCs to spend time with him here than to go to a hotel room etc. so he often stays for dinner on the nights when DP isn’t around (and often when he is too, as he’s pretty laid back).

It’s probably hard for your DP to understand if he doesn’t have DCs of his own, (and you don’t necessarily want to sow the seeds with a “what if” about your shared child in the event of a split!) but maybe try and be a bit understanding of his insecurity and have a chat about the type of relationship you want to continue to have with your ex, where your children can spend time with their mum and dad, and your youngest can hang out with ex’s child as a kind of ‘cousin’ type relationship. It sounds really nice for them, and at the end of the day, as uncomfortable as it can be for the adults, once you get used to it, having happy kids is the most important thing.