Partner’s birthday- AIBU?

[Sweetchocolatecandy]

So it’s my partner’s birthday coming up and when I asked him what he wants he said he doesn’t want any physical presents but he would like a hotel stay with a meal, drinks etc included. This is fine however for nearly all of my birthdays over the years I’ve had about 30 quid spent on me when I’ve gone way OTT on him (think xboxes etc). I’m not saying that I only give to receive but I’m now at the point where I’m thinking ‘why should I spend all of this money when you wouldn’t spend it on me?!’. We had an argument about it last night and he said he’s never thought about who has spent what on who and that I sound resentful about any money I’ve spent on him in the past.

I’m really not a money-orientated person (or at least I don’t think I am) but I now feel like maybe I shouldn’t have made a big deal about it and just spent the money? (We earn roughly the same wage if that helps).

YABU. You asked him, he told you. If you thought you spend too much on him you should have just bought him a book or equivalent.

You really should have agreed a mutual gift budget with him a long time ago. If I were you, I'd get one agreed now. If your usual gifts are things like an Xbox then I'm not surprised he thinks his request is reasonable (though in comparison to what you receive, it's really not).

As for your gifts could you just have a list and add to it throughout the year? I keep one and send it to DH just before Christmas and my birthday. There's usually about 10-15 things on there to choose from so the gift/s is still a surprise but definitely something I want. Last year I had things like a print from Etsy for my dressing room (with a link to an Etsy wish list), some fancy pyjamas, a few cookbooks I'd been eying up, a proper yoga mat and a necklace. He chose a few things that came within budget and I love them all

The 30 quid hotel voucher is a great idea. What a CF.

@Wombat64

Book a Travelodge & split the food bills. Tho I'd be tempted to take him to Macdonalds...

Haha my thoughts exactly

Oh dear, i've had a few partners who were very forward about letting me know what they wanted, but didn't reciprocate. Both got over £1000 spent on them over the course of the respective relationships, one bought things deliberately i said i didnt like, the other never spent so much as a single penny on me.

Deliberately stingy people do this. He is more than happy with the situation as it is and I’m sure he is most put out that you have stopped being such a pushover. I would tell him that you’ll discuss his present when he actually follows through with yours.

Doesn’t sound lovely at all
Sounds like a knob who expects you to spend hundreds on him but hasn’t even given you any money for your phone which is a shit present anyway. Dump the loser

@Sweetchocolatecandy

No I never know what to say if anyone asks what I want for birthdays or Christmas and this was his argument last night ‘well you never ask for anything so I never know what to buy’. Although this year I did ask for money towards a new phone, my birthday was in may, he said he’ll contribute and I’m still waiting. He’s lovely in other ways it’s just this issue, this why I think maybe I should have just left it, but it just felt unfair when he mentioned the hotel break last night.

You would be an utter mug if you gave him a present after he gave you fuck all for yours!

Don’t get him anything!

Yanbu for my bday I got £20 on me, my partner had over £250 as he wanted a day out / meal / then decided on a gift he really wants and asked me to get it. I ended up resentful and brought myself new clothes, shoes, perfume and accessories and went out to lunch and dinner loads with friends to treat myself.

Well done @DeflatedGinDrinker hope you did it with family money and not your own savings/disposable income.

£29 travel lodge and a McDonalds it is then!

Don't get him anything. In what other ways is he 'lovely'?

So he doesn’t notice how much who is spending on who- as long as you’re spending hundreds and he’s spending literally fuck all

Well I can’t speak for other people but if me and my dh managed to get a night away somewhere just us without the kids I’d be made up. I’ve always spent a little bit more on my dh than he does on me but it’s never bothered me. I’m more creative and have time to put more thought and effort into gifts as I only work part time and my husband works full time and works away a few times a year. Don’t get me wrong he’s bought me some lovely gifts over the years, some expensive, some really cheap, but I’ve always been happy.

This isn't great is it? No bday gift for you at all even months later and he wants a hotel mini break. I think you really have to give him a card and no gift this year. Reset for next year with a sensible matching budget for both of you.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I can’t get over that he stipulated “with a meal and drinks included”!

Depends how it was said?

Saying a night away in a nice hotel , a meal, a few drinks is very different from saying I want you to pay for all of my drinks all night.

Tight with money, tight with love.

@MaskingForIt that has just become my favourite new saying. “Tight with money, tight with love” never heard that before and I love it!!!