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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed by ILs attitude

24 replies

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 10:23

We live a long way from my in laws so, day to day, they have little impact on us. However, we have recently been to visit them and it has stirred back up my feelings towards them. We have two DCs and they have another grandchild. This grandchild is actually a step grandchild but receives far more of their attention and time than our children do. We constantly hear about this child- comments are put on Facebook about this child being their "favourite" whilst our children get no mention at all. In fact, our recent visit to see them wasn't worthy of a mention at all. They spend the minimum of time with our children when we visit/they visit us and our children receive little from them for birthdays and Christmas- if they spend £10 on them that is a lot.

We have recently learned that they gave my husband's brother (step grandchild's step dad) a very large sum of money (tens of thousands) some years ago to help him out- we have received nothing, ever, from them.

I have tried over the years to just get on with it all- as I say, they live a long way from us, but my children are becoming increasingly aware of the difference and that upsets me. To give an example, on this recent trip, my eldest child was given a used diary as a gift when we arrived, my youngest was given nothing- they hadn't seen us for a year before that. AIBU to be upset?

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/08/2021 10:27

How are the children aware? Is it done in front of them or do they know via Facebook or yourself etc? Given the distance it should be very easy to shelter them from it.

Where one set lives closer and the others some distance it’s only natural, in most cases, that one set has a closer relationship.

What does your DH say about it given they are his parents?

phishy · 09/08/2021 10:32

YANBU at all. Has DH asked for help? Maybe time to ask.

Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 10:33

They are aware when they/we visit because of the constant talk of the step grandchild. My eldest had a full 20 minutes with her grandma showing her photos of their recent days out with her cousin (my child has never been taken out anywhere by them and is now 15 so very aware of this).

My husband has spent many years justifying it (they live closer to them than we do etc) but only recently found out about the money and that, set against everything else, has hurt him. He says we must be the black sheep of the family but we have absolutely no idea why!

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Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 10:35

Years ago he did ask for help financially- when our children were younger and money was very tight. They said they had none to spare so we got on with it. We both work hard, without their support to look after our family and are proud to have gorgeous and lovely children that we have raised.

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Freddiefox · 09/08/2021 10:36

Maybe they have more day to day input and support for the other family. Do you spend a lot of time with your family? Are they a welcome part of your family or are they kept at arms lengths.

There are lots of post on here about in laws treating grandchild differently, but they are often kept at arms length by their dil’s. Which can make it hard for them to develop relationships with the grandchild.

I used to be cross with my mil who was very close to one set of gc’s.
But I didn't really allow her in.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2021 10:38

They’ve made their feelings clear. Stop making any effort at all. Your DC don’t need to be made to feel lesser by these horrible people.

Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 10:39

They live a long way away- 7/8 hours drive, but we see them when we can and have tried to visit as often as possible. They are always made welcome when they come here (very rarely). They do live much closer to the other grandchild though and there's not much we can do about that. It would just be nice if they could make the most of the time they DO have with them!

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FlorenceNightshade · 09/08/2021 10:41

I think I’m this situation I’d try improving the relationship between DC and DGPs. Just because you live far away doesn’t mean they can’t be involved in each other’s lives. Do you call/skype regularly? Maybe the DGPs focus on the other GC because they know them. It must be hard to buy meaningful gifts if you don’t have a meaningful relationship.

Obviously if you’ve tried stuff like that and they’re not interested that’s different. In that case I’d stop visiting as you don’t enjoy it and leave your DH to deal with his side of the family

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 09/08/2021 10:42

I wouldn't expose my children to grandparents who behave like this. Your DH should have a frank discussion with his parents about their attitude and frankly I'd stop visiting at all.

Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 10:47

Yep, we've done the Skype thing but that always results in an extended discussion about their cousin too!
I have said after this trip that I am done and that I won't be going down again unless absolutely necessary and DH is supportive of that. I'm just sad for my children who are lovely and deserve better!

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FlorenceNightshade · 09/08/2021 10:52

@boomwhacker I have nothing to do with my DHs parents because of behaviour like this. He goes to visit them by himself maybe once a month. He doesn’t even ask me anymore he knows I’d say no. Our kids very rarely go with him, on the rare occasions they do they end up sitting in awkward silence because they don’t know each other. That includes my DH, my parents know him better and see much more of him than his own. He came to realise that years ago and I think it shocked him.

Yes it is sad that they don’t have a close relationship but it’s the GPs who are the losers.

Iwonder08 · 09/08/2021 11:05

Don't bother with them. Don't go there. If they come to yours (and it doesnt sound like it happens often) do a bare minimum.

SeasonFinale · 09/08/2021 11:12

My parents and sister live abroad near each other. Of course they take my nephews and nieces out and not my kids. We live 3000 miles parta. If you are 7/8 hours away you may just as well be too. I do hope you realise the "they don't take them out" thing can't really be an issue.

My Mum's natural response to me talking about my kids and what they are doing is to refer to what DNs are doing. She feels like she is joining in rather than boasting about them. According to friends over there they say she does talk about my kids and what they are doing to them (just doesn't acknowledge it to me).

With it being a step grandchild maybe, just maybe, they are over compensating to prove to their DIL that it doesn't matter to them that DSGS is a step grandchild and they want her to see that they are treating him as part of the family.

The gift issue is the only one I would be more miffed about. However, maybe they really don't know what to buy a 15 year old girl. May I suggest that you get your kids to do an Amazon wish list around birthday/Christmas and send your mum a link saying "I know X is difficult to buy for but here is her wishlist if you're struggling for present ideas".

DinosaurDiana · 09/08/2021 11:15

Really just let it go, and be glad you live far away from them.
I wouldn’t be visiting them if I was you, DH can take DC.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2021 11:24

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I wouldn't expose my children to grandparents who behave like this. Your DH should have a frank discussion with his parents about their attitude and frankly I'd stop visiting at all.

This. Completely this.

Your DH needs to cover the points that you're aware of in that discussion and make it very clear that neither he nor you are looking for a handout at this point in time but that as grandparents and adults that their behaviour has been noticed by their grandchild(ren) and that you are not going to expose them to this kind of behaviour from their grandparents so their grandparents can either decide to shape up and treat all grandchildren equally or that's it.
Your DH has to explain that he was very hurt to hear that when he wanted and needed their help it wasn't given yet your DH's brother got more than a hand up when he needed and wanted it.
You just don't have favourites. You just don't.

Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 11:25

@SeasonFinale yes, I hear you there but just a couple of things to explain-
When we visit it's usually for a few days due to the distance so there is chance to do things with our children. Indeed, when they visit us they usually have several days where they go out on their own and just come over in the evening. They refuse to come out anywhere with us- even if we offer to buy tickets/drive etc. It has often then been the case that a month or two later they are posting on FB about taking their other grandchild to the same place they refused to go with us!
Re gifts- ever year since my children were babies they have asked for a list and been provided with one- with a wide range of options at varying cost so not crazy at all. They have never yet bought anything from those lists. I don't mind this but it does annoy me to spend time making sure there is a list to then find it's pointless!

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Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 11:27

You just don't have favourites. You just don't

I agree. I am just amazed that their step grandchild, who didn't even come into their lives until they were 7 and who has their own grandparents already, is the clear favourite. My children were a part of their lives from birth!

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DinosaurDiana · 09/08/2021 11:28

I had IL’s like this. You need to go NC

Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 11:28

Sorry about the use of "their" by the way- I'm doing my best to be ambiguous to try to maintain some anonymity!

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LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2021 11:31

@SeasonFinale - couldn't the OP's inlaws arrange to do the same day out with her children as they have done and explained to these grandchildren with photos?

Actually @boomwhacker - why doesn't your 15 year old start calling her grandparents out on this type of thing? Why doesn't she say "Granny/Grandad - why don't you bring me or my sibling out on a day trip like you do for X?" Start putting Granny and Grandad in an uncomfortable position because they clearly don't mind putting your children in difficult positions, trying to be pleased for a step-sibling doing things with their grandparents that they never get to do with them.

Freddiefox · 09/08/2021 11:58

@boomwhacker

You just don't have favourites. You just don't

But is it favourites or is it stronger relationships?

They see more of their other grandchild. So are more invested in them and spend more time and money on them because they are more present. What would you like them to do? Only see them twice a year because that’s ‘fair’

Maybe try to see them more often develop the relationship.

My children have a stronger relationship with my mum but that’s on my brother and sil. She also spends more money on them. Likewise they don’t have a great relationship with my mil but that on me and ex dh because we didn’t make the effort, but she have a great relationship with my nieces.

Freddiefox · 09/08/2021 12:00

Also my mum talks about her other gc’s to me a lot. I guess she does the same with them.

I have in the past said shall we have a conversation where you don’t mention x and y. She’s gradually getting the message.

Planty13 · 09/08/2021 12:03

Your admit you have very little to do with them but feel put out that other family members have a more involved part in their lives? What do you actually want op?

Original poster

boomwhacker · 09/08/2021 12:13

I totally appreciate that they will never see their GC often- that's just logistics. However, I would like it if they made more of them when they had the chance to- ie if we visit for a week, spend that week with us rather than saying they are too busy when we are there. I would like it if they posted their delight on FB at seeing their lovely GC in the way they post their delight at seeing their step grandchild (which is far less of a big deal as they see each other often!).

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