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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep wishing i could turn back time

17 replies

Mayla · 09/08/2021 05:03

Obviously somewhat light-hearted, unless anyone has a time travel machine in their garage (do pm me if so).

DH and I have been together going on 3 years. It is a 2nd marriage for both of us, i have 3 kids from previous marriage and he has none. He is 48 and I am almost 43. After having been a rather unhappy marriage for 13 years, this one is oh so lovely and easy. We both had incompatible previous partnerships, so we both agree that this is wonderful. So much so that i frequently wish we could have met earlier. He is still fit and doesn't look his age but I find myself wishing that I could have met DH earlier, in our 20s or 30s, giving us more good years together and also, he would have been the father of my kids. He's lovely with them now, but 2 of the 3 miss their dad on and off - exdh lives in a different country. Would love to hear your stories of amazing stepdads and latter year bliss - hopefully that will put a stop to my silliness! Thank you everyone 😊

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 09/08/2021 05:41

Everyone has regrets

The key to good mental health though is staying in the moment as far as possible (your relationship exists in this moment - who knows what it would be like in the past, the children you have would be different if they were his - you don't really want different children )

So try not to dwell on this too much - appreciate this moment with him

Sobeyondthehills · 09/08/2021 05:54

Myself and Dp have known each other for close to 30 years, there is no way I would have considered him at that time, we have both have experiences that have changed us both and shaped us to the couple we are, which is where at the moment he is a dickhead because the fucker snores and he is lucky I dont put a pillow over his head.

One night stand, I would get up and leave

Greenbuttonsbluebuttons · 09/08/2021 05:59

I believe of things happening for a reason. Had you met previously things could have been very different. This was the path you were meant to take.

AgentJohnson · 09/08/2021 06:27

Regrets are pointless. Ex was an abusive arse and is now an absent father but DD wouldn’t be DD, if her father was someone else. I too would be someone else if I hadn’t of learned the valuable lessons of my past.

Daydream away but the you you are now and the him that he is now, would have been different and might have been incompatible. My best friend jokes that she wouldn’t have looked twice at her DH in her twenties.

Eviebeans · 09/08/2021 06:42

I have had the same conversation with my dh -2nd marriage for both of us-5 days between us and none together-we have both had the what if and I wonder moments -wishing we had met earlier in our lives. In reality I think things may not have worked out so well if we had had the stress of shared children...

Stormyequine · 09/08/2021 06:46

If he was the father of your DC they would be different people. Surely that is not what you wish for? Enjoy the great relationship you have now. If you'd met earlier you may not have been interested in each other or things may not have worked out for other reasons.

Whoopsies · 09/08/2021 06:56

I agree with pp, I sometimes regret not having my two DC closer in age, I would have had my first later and then the second one closer to the first, but then I wouldn't have the exact two boys I have and they are perfect!! Focus on the perspective that you have now, you can both appreciate how good the relationship is compared to the past and can be ready to work on things if the slip so you are more likely to go the distance. I've been with my DH since we were 21 and I think we have a great relationship, but I have worried at times that neither of us know any better so maybe sometimes we just settle for how things are, rather than strive for better!

DisgruntledPelican · 09/08/2021 07:04

@Stormyequine

This. Life happens in the way it’s meant to. We all have regrets but take pleasure in how happy you are now.

DoingItMyself · 09/08/2021 07:05

I'd go back to 14 and run away from home.

notanothertakeaway · 09/08/2021 07:52

If I'd met my DH when we were younger, then I expect we would have had more children

But it's unhelpful to dwell on that. Better to focus on the positives

Toomuchspinning · 09/08/2021 07:57

It’s a lovely reason to want to turn back time. Day dream, if you like, about it; but don’t stop living because of it.

Think about the Mirror of Erised.

FreeBritnee · 09/08/2021 08:00

We had this conversation yesterday. But it’s pointless. Can’t turn back time.

JanuaryBones · 09/08/2021 08:35

I think you asked for positive stepdad stories. Well my biodad also lives abroad and as a result I see much more of my stepdad, and he see's a lot more of his grandchildren. We have a lovely relationship and he hasn't had it easy as I was 16 when he met my mum.
As a result I hang out with him because I want to rather than any obligation due to genetics. My DC's will know no different and think of him as their grandparent.
I think if my mum had met him earlier they might have had children which would have completely changed the family dynamic and I may feel completely different about him. He is very good at being a grandpa but I think full time parenting would have been too much for him as he is so busy with his various hobbies and interests. I don't know if he would have realised that he couldn't spend as much time in his shed!
I'm glad my mum is happy but I think she knows that everything happens for a reason and he is definitely the right man for her at this stage of her life. I don't know if she would have been too busy for a relationship when I was small and she was working so hard to pay the mortgage.
Just enjoy what you have right now OP!

user97495 · 09/08/2021 09:08

In situations like this I think it's useful to remember had you met him earlier you wouldn't have YOUR children, your specific children came about from those specific moments with your exDH. If you met your now DH, you wouldn't have your now children. Better to think of those 13 years as the means to get the kids you love and on the road to your now DH. Who's to say what would have happened if you'd met him sooner.

EverybodyIsInteresting · 09/08/2021 09:11

If you were to turn back time and have kids with him, they wouldn't be the kids you have now. They would never exist. You don't know what your children with him would be like...

Depending on your kids, that might be a pro or a con...

EverybodyIsInteresting · 09/08/2021 09:12

Cross post with user!

welshladywhois40 · 09/08/2021 20:27

I get it - I met my partner at 36 after an awful marriage. We both say that we wish we had met 5 years earlier. We feel lucky that we have had two wonderful boys together.

The other part that meeting later also brings especially in the early years were the lack of joint memories - I have friends in 20 year relationships and we just won't have that timespan for so long

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