To feel scared to try for baby 2 now that it's time to start trying

[Sportynotspice]

Just to preface. I really do want 2 children and I do want 2 quite close in age. DH and I agreed to start TTC when DD is 18 months old but that's now next month and now that it's here, I'm really scared. I had a horrible pregnancy; HG the entire 9 months with no relief and although on paper my birth wasn't that bad, I'm certainly in no rush to do it again. I'm still breastfeeding DD but realistically, if I get HG again, there's just no way that can carry on so as much as I'll try to carry on, really I know it'll mean stopping sooner than later.
I was an absolute emotional wreck after birth. Luckily never PND but I found the transition to Motherhood horrendous to cope with (lockdown did not help!!) and physically I just took such a long time to heal (or what felt like such a long time).
I know it's all a means to an ends. I have to do this to have the family I picture in my mind and really do want. But I really want to say to DH now I want to wait longer. When I have said this before he just says that's simply putting it off to avoid the inevitable and there's no point in that which I agree as I don't want my fear to actually stop me having another baby and I doubt this fear is going to disappear if I just wait a few extra years. But how do I get over this fear now because at the moment the only thing I can think about is just feigning a headache every night for the next year or two just to avoid getting pregnant which is ridiculous.

You're not ready for baby number 2 yet. Give it another six months or a year.
Your H is minimising what you've experienced and that's not ok. You're not a baby machine.
Listen to your body and mind or face breakdown of one or both.

It sounds like you need more time and that is OK. A small age gap can be ok (mine are just under 2 years apart) but it is tough. It’s also very tough to cope with a toddler when you are pregnant even if you have a textbook pregnancy. Given that you had a difficult pregnancy it makes sense that you’d be a bit worried. Your DH doesn’t sound very nice from what you’ve said. He’s very dismissive of you. Why do you have to follow ‘the plan’? If you’re not ready then you’re not ready. It’s you that will be going through the pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding, not him.

You need more time. You're clearly not ready. Tell your husband he needs to listen to you.

It's not his body. So he can relax with the plan

But I really want to say to DH now I want to wait longer. When I have said this before he just says that's simply putting it off to avoid the inevitable and there's no point
Tell him again. And again.

I've worded it wrong. DH really isn't a bad guy. Honestly he's completely wonderful and he took amazing care of me when I was sick and I completely trust him that he will again and take care of DD where I might not be able to quite as much now if I'm as sick again. He's not minimising it at all, he knows how hard it will be, he's just pointing out that it's not going to be any easier whatever stage we do this because I have to be pregnant and give birth in order for us to have a baby; that's not going to change whether we try now or in 10 years. That's all he means. And I'm the one saying just as much as him that I want a 2-3 year age gap so of that's what I want, this is what needs to happen.

I had bad sickness til the third trimester and then I had such bad heartburn I was vomiting stomach acid most days. DD is 12 months and whilst I want a second I would like to make the most of DD. You never know the next pregnancy could be a dream, but it could also be worse. No way I could look after DD and work when pregnant if it was like last time. It would seriously short change DD IMO so best to wait until she's older and a bit less in need.

I was in this exact position after a Hg pregnancy. Had agreed to try after 2 years. Was so scared to. Took 9 months to fall pregnant thank god. I have two lovely children now and am glad I did but god it was hard. Second hg pregnancy was harder as couldn’t rest as had a 2 year old to chase and then I got so sick he had to go into nursery full time even though I only work part time and I was off work for 3 months and got pneumonia from how run down I was. Was so much worse and it was hard on husband at the time as he had to do his job and all care of first baby and hard for me as no one to look after me as he was busy and hard on first baby as I lost a lot of my relationship with him as I couldn’t bear to be touched. I was also bf still but I had to stop as I was too sick.
Hardest time of my life. I am glad now I did it but things to consider would be

Making sure have extra money to buy in extra support if needed like more childcare and a cleaner and all the safe foods (tango ice blasts were mine)

What is the sick pay policy at your work just in case you end up off for months

Any support in area to help?

It was a blessing for me that first was 3 and so had free hours by time baby arrived so at least could use these and rest and recover with just baby … worth maybe waiting til this is the case either pre pregnancy so can rest during pregnancy .. that’s what I’d do if I had another one.

Also to make sure your relationship with partner is Rock solid as the stress and impact of it all puts huge strain on things :(

Hg support group are amazing . Sorry to be so doomsday about it but I absolutely can see why you are worried and I think many people who haven’t experienced hg just couldn’t understand . I haven’t had a 3rd as cousknt do it again.

Having 2 is amazing though I love it. They’re 7 and almost 4 now! I’d do it all over again but maybe waited 6 more months now
6 more months !

Tldr: wait until get free childcare hours !!

Why the rush? I have a 6 year age gap. I was so grateful not to have a toddler to look after when I was pregnant and now that I have a young baby.

If you want to go for a baby now I think you need to discuss a practical plan with dh about who is going to care for dd if you are really poorly and you cant care for her while he is a work.

If you wait until dd starts school then she will be more independent.

Im very much plan for the worse and hope for the best

Would waiting longer make a difference practically- would it increase the childcare you could afford fi? If so, that might be a good reason to wait a little longer.

I thought I wanted a small gap but we had fertility treatment and when it came to the 15month mark I was nowhere near ready. In the end we started trying again when my first was 2, which although was only 9 months later made a huge difference to how I felt. it took 6-7months and we have a 3 and a quarter yr gap which has been brilliant.
Good luck.

OP I think many people have this "idea" of a perfect family and when they will have/plan children.

Truth is people whose plans fall in line with reality are pretty rare.

If you're high risk for HG it is going to be harder for a second pregnancy when you already have a child to parent.

You and your DH need to be realistic about this.

You're likely to need a lot of support through a second pregnancy.

Can you fund this now?

The fact it won't be easier now or in 5 years is irrelevant.

What's important is your mental health in facing HG again, the support you can access and your willingness to go through it - this year or the next.

If you're not ready (and you might never be ready) that's ok.

Better to be a good mum to the child you already have than one worn down by HG and possibly PND by chasing a dream.

I called it a day after one pregnancy.

My DH had a child through a previous relationship so he was fine with that.

Regardless I wouldn't have done it again even if he had felt differently.

I understand some women enjoy pregnancy but I think even other women underestimate HG and belittle the experience.

Thank you for all your replies. I work 4 days and DD attends nursery 8-6 those days which could continue throughout my pregnancy. We also live just down the road from my in laws and I'm very close with my sister who we already see most Thursdays (day off) so there would be plenty of help with DD whilst I was pregnant. DH works office hours so he would be here evenings and weekends. I'm NHS so time off sick is not a problem if needed again and I am working from home anyway so would be generally easier than my last pregnancy as I used to travel a lot in my job and I think I could have gone back to work earlier than I did then had there been less travel involved.
We do have room in the budget to hire a cleaner if we needed to or increase DD to 5 days if we really needed to but I don't think that would be necessary with the support we have locally. We have also budgeted to ensure DD can continue nursery (although only for 18 hours a week, there or there abouts) after I start mat leave too to ensure some semblance of normality for her after a new baby arrived.

I absolutely know there is no point being set in stone with a certain ideal, it may well take a lot longer to get pregnant and I'm fully prepared for that. But I suppose what I'm concerned about is I'm not convinced there is going to be a better time. Because of our childcare already being high, waiting any longer isn't going to increase the amount of DDs time that's accounted for. And a big part of me wanting to do this now rather than later is I know I'm going to be a lousy mummy if I have HG again... There's no two ways around that unfortunately... And I just feel wouldn't it be better to be that lousy mummy whilst DD is young enough that she at least won't remember it and when she is still content to just mooch around the living room with me lying on the sofa for a while if absolutely necessary as oppose to being an older child who expects and wants more entertaining?
DH would do anything for me and if I told him I really didn't want to do this, he would support that. But he knows that I do and I'm not arguing with that; I do want 2 children always have, and I don't want to let my fear of HG or childbirth or that initial postnatal period stop me from at least trying for the family I want.

This is a really tough one. I can see both sides - its really important you feel ready for a second & your DH shouldnt push that, but if I understand you, you sort of want a handheld to try and buck up the courage to just....get it over with?

Maybe make a plan. Tell him how you feel, then spend the next 3-6m putting in place some seriously good support for you. Then see if you feel a bit more reassured about the decision after that?

Remember though, sometimes you have to make the best of what life hands you. DH and I wanted 3 kids at least. I had a real struggle to get to 2, and know I'm high risk for miscarriage, stillbirth and serious pregnancy complications if we go for another. We've decided together that we will make the most of the two we've got even though it's not what we planned.

Right now you are not together with her mayority of the time and she is so young. Imagine you will be sick on top of working hour separation. That means, daughter will "loose" mother almost completely. When children are little, quantity counts as much as quality. Babies and toddlers build the foundation of of all their later life on close relationships with mother. Now is crucial time for your relationship. After some time daughter will be interested in other people more AND she will understand your explanations better: "Mummy is sick, she need some sleep!"

I'm not, not with her the majority of the time. I work, she has to go to childcare whilst I work, that's just life. But it is not the majority of the time. There are still far more hours of a week when she is with me than when she is not. I take your point but there's no need to say I'm away from my daughter the majority of the time as though I'm already committing some heinous crime against her @user1478172746

I waited until what we’d planned as the right time and felt I’d moved on from the psychological impact of a very difficult first pregnancy but when I got that positive test result for DS I was still really scared and overwhelmed. It was fine though amd although my standards lowered for a bit I’ve made up for it

I had to wait longer than if have liked but now I’m 21 weeks pregnant I can see soooo many positives. My second girl is due in December and the following September by first will be going to school. I wouldn’t have been ready physically or mentally before this so I’m glad we waited. Please do talk to DH if this is something you’re feeling- he may be feeling the same.

Sounds like you have the setup to make it manageable. When I was sick with dc2 and 3 ("only" til 16 weeks) I basically lay on the sofa with props pig on and cuddled the kids when they came to me- sometimes with my eyes closed. DH did the rest. It was in a way less bad than sickness with dc1, when I was trying to continue my pre kids lifestyle- as I knew not to plan travel or overdo work etc and just went to bed very early every night.

I did want to get it over with ASAP as I was dreading second pregnancy. But not being ready is also valid. I must say the combination of newborn and 4yo is a lot easier than newborn and 2yo.

@Sportynotspice you could be me! I also work 4 days a week for the NHS and DD1 goes to nursery during that time (NOTHING wrong with that). I had DD2 last month and the age gap is 3.5 years. Honestly, I'm now so glad it took us that long. When they get to 3 the older child understands more, loves to help and is genuinely excited by the prospect of a little brother or sister. If you decide to wait a bit longer, which it sounds like you do, then if you're anything like me you won't regret it. X