Page 2 | To be annoyed with these parents?

yunnanes · 2021-08-08T21:01:54+00:00

DD is 14, her friends are 15, she had a sleepover yesterday at her friends house and another girl was there. She came home earlier, and told me it was ‘boring’ as the two girls were flirting with a boy and they left her out of conversations etc. She then told me that the boy was having the sleep over with them which I didn't know about, though itd just be DD and her two friends. Aibu to be annoyed with the girls parents?

Tiana4 · 09/08/2021 07:22

ImMrnimbus
Isn't talking to boys and trying out drinking alcohol something that all teenagers are eventually going to get involved in doing? By age 15 or 16 for most teens probably.

-OPs DD is 14

It's very relevant that she is 14 not 16. U n d e r a g e

-It was a sleepover OPs DD and DDs parents didn't know had boys too that the daughter felt uncomfortable at -So there was no planning or chance to discuss being sensible or extra supervision

nimbus, You don't have DCs yet, you said. I think this shows. As no one has said they wouldn't be talking to their DC about all of these things to help them make good choices nor that they'd ban DCs from doing anything. But listen to parents of actual teens, bc mixed sleepovers this age are a bad idea. And you don't have one at your house for other ppls DC without telling those parents it's mixed not single sex.

RedHelenB · 09/08/2021 07:24

Because I trusted my daughter's I am going yabu.

GreatAuntEmily · 09/08/2021 07:30

One boy and 3 girls possibly vying for him seems a bad idea. Good for DD for going home.

SquirryTheSquirrel · 09/08/2021 07:33

@UserNameNameNameUser

We’ve agreed a safe word with DC for situations like that. They can call or text “how is the cat” and we will “tell them” there has been a minor emergency and we need to bring them home straight away. “Sorry to spoil their fun” etc. That way they get to come home from uncomfortable situations but still save face with friends.

What a brilliant idea! So simple, but sensible.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2021 07:40

Can’t say this would bother me. People are acting like all boys are dangerous. Clearly he was a friend who the parents were happy to have there. Other than the “flirting” the daughter suffered no harm. The parents clearly felt he wasn’t a risk. Just because he’s a boy doesn’t mean he’s a predator.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 09/08/2021 07:47

I think it's all good here. Good communication from DD, disappointing that she didn't enjoy her sleepover, but I'd not have a word with the parents unless I knew them well and in a very casual way.

Tiana4 · 09/08/2021 07:48

Eye-roll

PPs are exaggerating what most PPs are saying in an effort to sound cool. No one has said the boy is predatory - that's ridiculous.
What has been said is by far the majority say mixed sleepovers without the other DCs or parents knowing before aren't ok.

There's some deliberately obtuse lax parents out there.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 09/08/2021 11:50

@Tiana4

Eye-roll

PPs are exaggerating what most PPs are saying in an effort to sound cool. No one has said the boy is predatory - that's ridiculous.
What has been said is by far the majority say mixed sleepovers without the other DCs or parents knowing before aren't ok.

There's some deliberately obtuse lax parents out there.

I suspect the "cool" parents don't in fact have teenagers. Because no real parent of teenagers would be ok with this.

ImMrNimbus · 09/08/2021 13:11

@Tiana4

ImMrnimbus Isn't talking to boys and trying out drinking alcohol something that all teenagers are eventually going to get involved in doing? By age 15 or 16 for most teens probably.

-OPs DD is 14

It's very relevant that she is 14 not 16. U n d e r a g e

-It was a sleepover OPs DD and DDs parents didn't know had boys too that the daughter felt uncomfortable at -So there was no planning or chance to discuss being sensible or extra supervision

nimbus, You don't have DCs yet, you said. I think this shows. As no one has said they wouldn't be talking to their DC about all of these things to help them make good choices nor that they'd ban DCs from doing anything. But listen to parents of actual teens, bc mixed sleepovers this age are a bad idea. And you don't have one at your house for other ppls DC without telling those parents it's mixed not single sex.

My comment was not necessarily in reply to the OP who's kid is 14, I didn't say anywhere that the 14 year old should be having mixed-sex sleepovers. It was in reply to the person who said "Sleepovers for teenagers are a terrible idea" [because of boys and alcohol] and "If you want your DD to follow your rules and be safe, she should sleep at home." So they did imply that to ensure safety, the DC should not be allowed to go to sleepovers, so maybe that PP is in fact 'banning' their teenage kid from things.

I agree that mixed sex sleepovers are not the best idea. But as I said in my previous post, when I was age 15 (like the DD's friends), my mother would go away overnight or go out until late, or go to stay with her partner, or would be largely uninvolved in my friends being over so wouldn't come up to my room. The kids might have invited the boy over without the parents consent? Do we know for sure that those parents were even home? That's why I was saying that the parents might not be to blame. Yes they should know who's in their house but... Teens lie to their parents.

ExtraOnions · 09/08/2021 13:14

I think it depends on the boy ….DDs best friend is a boy, and he’s gay - I have zero worries about them being in the same room. We are planning on taking him on holiday next year, and they will be sharing an adjoining cabin

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2021 13:15

Did the parents get involved in the sleepover in the first place though?

When I was that age, my friends would ask if I wanted to sleepover, I'd agree and tell my parents that's the plan.

There was never any parental involvement past the age of about 12 or 13, as long as all parents knew whose house were were sleeping at.

CutePanda · 09/08/2021 14:06

@Summerfun54321

Sleepovers for teenagers are a terrible idea. Anyone who thinks they won’t involve boys and alcohol etc at some point is naive. Sorry OP, but if you want your DD to follow your rules and be safe, she should sleep at home.

Most of my teen sleepovers did not involve sex, drugs and alcohol. So many hysterical Mnetters. If you trust and respect your DC then they won’t have to hide anything or “act out.”

Steakandcheeseplease · 09/08/2021 14:11

Yeah I'd be pissed off with this.

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2021 14:13

@Summerfun54321

Sleepovers for teenagers are a terrible idea. Anyone who thinks they won’t involve boys and alcohol etc at some point is naive. Sorry OP, but if you want your DD to follow your rules and be safe, she should sleep at home.

Not naive at all but my DD is now 16 and has had plenty of sleepovers both here and at a friends and no boys or alcohol were involved

Steakandcheeseplease · 09/08/2021 14:13

If you trust and respect your DC then they won’t have to hide anything or “act out.

This has really made me laugh

CutePanda · 09/08/2021 15:22

@Steakandcheeseplease

If you trust and respect your DC then they won’t have to hide anything or “act out.

This has really made me laugh

I never felt the need to lie to my parents. They trusted and respected me, so I respected them. I knew teens whose parents were really strict and tried to wrap their darlings in cotton wool. They lied to their parents all the time and were more likely to drink to excess at parties and have underage sex (they lied about where they were going).

Tiana4 · 09/08/2021 15:59

Ok IamMrNimbus
You've clarified
I agree that mixed sex sleepovers are not the best idea. But as I said in my previous post, when I was age 15 (like the DD's friends), my mother would go away overnight or go out until late, or go to stay with her partner, or would be largely uninvolved in my friends being over so wouldn't come up to my room. The kids might have invited the boy over without the parents consent? Do we know for sure that those parents were even home? That's why I was saying that the parents might not be to blame. Yes they should know who's in their house but... Teens lie to their parents.

Yes. We parents of teens do know that. That's why we negotiate and talk and take it a step at a time with trust and love,
But- OPs daughter which this thread is about IS 14 so she has every right to feel annoyed at the parents of the friend, because they do have a responsibility to supervise who is sleeping over at their house.
I would be even MORE annoyed if the parents had gone out overnight or stumbled in late night, whilst also agreeing/arranging a sleep over for 14& 15 year olds!!! Mixed or not! (It'd just gets worse!! But that's not what any info suggests the parents did.)
I don't think you realise that You're not rescuing the situation with your scenarios ala even a light touch parental supervision !! Bc most other parents would be hopping mad if what you suggested happened, far worse in your scenario than even if the parents were there but hadn't thought to mention It was a mixed sleepover.

Tiana4 · 09/08/2021 16:13

Cutepanda
I never felt the need to lie to my parents. They trusted and respected me, so I respected them. I knew teens whose parents were really strict and tried to wrap their darlings in cotton wool. They lied to their parents all the time and were more likely to drink to excess at parties and have underage sex (they lied about where they were going).

You act like it's either or. It isn't there is a whole world in between extremes of cotton wool overprotectiveness and complete disregard and disinterest.

My DCs rarely lie to me. I trust and love them. I step in when I have to sometimes saying no that's a bit too risky- Let's talk it through and make a contingency plan. They regularly thank me and are pretty damn honest with me.

They are sensible but not perfect teens - like we all were- who ring me or tell me when they have felt uncomfortable or unsafe. And have called me to come rescue them or one of their friends.

I've had their friends 15, 16,17, 18 ring me as well as DCs bc someone has gotten drunk and is scared to ring their parents, at someone else's house that turned out to be unsupervised or were lax parents.

I have boundaries and imho mixed sleepovers for under 16 teens isn't something I feel works nor would I agree to my DC doing so. Underage is important if something happened or they were pressured , that they are not mature enough to deal with.

Ofc teenagers rebel. We've all been teenagers once. But we survived bc our parents loved us enough to stomp on the riskiest of situations and set reasonable rules . Or most of our parents did,

Tiana4 · 09/08/2021 16:26

@ExtraOnions

I think it depends on the boy ….DDs best friend is a boy, and he’s gay - I have zero worries about them being in the same room. We are planning on taking him on holiday next year, and they will be sharing an adjoining cabin

Yes it does depend on the boy and also the girls involved

But this boy wasn't gay, the other girls were flirting with him all night which made OPs DD uncomfortable as he was sleeping over too.

Stick to this (OP's) scenario.
We all know when DCs are LGBTQ+ there are differences, but OP was told none of it NOR WAS HER DD so she could talk ahead of time that it was a mixed sleepover that she actually was thrown into and had no choice about which made this 14 year old girl uncomfortable!!