To tell him the kids dont want to go

[Wildpony]

Me and Xh have 2 kids together...both 10. He is meant to see them EOW however now and again and much more so recently he has cancelled last minute, as in at the time hes meant to pick up last minute. I've had to cancel plans I have made as I have no other childcare at all. He has done the same this weekend for the second time in a row. I had made plans and he said he had overslept, not been feeling well can he pick up tomorrow.
I said no because I've made plans I had to cancel last time he didn't turn up. I offered to drop off. He ignored my messages. Luckily me and his sister has just got back in touch and she was happy to have them the night (ex doesn't have much a relationship with her)

Ex then texts me saying he will pick up the next day. I told the kids and they didn't want to go (they never do anything when there) so I told him that they are at his sisters and though the kids don't particularly want to go he is more than welcome to pick up from there. I had no reply and he didn't turn up to see them.
Was I in the wrong for saying the kids didn't want to go??

No you weren’t in the wrongs. He sounds like a lazy git who makes no effort for them, they’re starting to see that and obviously don’t have time for him. Fair enough.

At 10 years old they have the emotional intelligence to be able to identify when a deadbeat dad isn't worth pandering to. You shouldn't actively obstruct access or make it difficult for EOW visits to go ahead but you have no obligation to make the kids go if they don't want to, or to hide the truth from your ex if he would find it hurtful.

No you weren’t in the wrong but it is unlikely he’ll make more of an effort than this. He may well see them even less. A bit sad for the kids but some parents are just crap and lazy.

Did you try to encourage them?

Thank you for all your responses. I asked them before they left for their Aunties if they wanted to go to their dads....They wasn't sure at the time and I said it's up to them. Then their Aunty text me later on saying they don't want to go. He never turned up anyway.

Maybe they’d be more keen if you sounded encouraging about it. They’re children, they don’t set the agenda in terms of going to school or not, going to the dentists, etc. So why do you abdicate all responsibility on this issue?

They’re children, they don’t set the agenda in terms of going to school or not, going to the dentists, etc. So why do you abdicate all responsibility on this issue?

It’s not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to not alienate them from him and to make sure they can see him if they want to. It’s his responsibility to maintain a good enough parental relationship with his children that they want to see him. If he regularly cancels on them, or can’t be bothered to engage with them while they’re with him, why is it her responsibility to force them to continue with the charade? And school and dentists are not remotely comparable with the weekly effects of having to spend time with a parent who doesn’t love you enough to want to see you. They’re 10, not 2. They know he’s only doing it under sufferance or obligation or to keep up appearances or because he had nothing better to do. That is damaging to a child.

YANBU at all.

@Hopdathelf

Maybe they’d be more keen if you sounded encouraging about it. They’re children, they don’t set the agenda in terms of going to school or not, going to the dentists, etc. So why do you abdicate all responsibility on this issue?

He doesn’t turn up. It’s not her responsibility to make her children go with a father who can’t even be arsed to turn up to collect them at the, very minimal, agreed contact time. It’s the fathers responsibility to build a decent relationship with his kids through reliable contact.

She’s not blocking his access. He could have gone to the sisters to collect them or turned up on time as agreed. Illness really isn’t an excuse…I’m guessing mum doesn’t have someone else look after them when she’s a bit under the weather.

Wow this is really bad for your poor dc. What kind of message is he giving them that he can't be bothered to turn up.

I would be shielding dc from being let down like this, and I would tell him he is risking completely ruining his relationship with them. Is he ill or hungover if he is sleeping in? Can he be trusted to look after them properly?

Feel very sad for your poor dc, what a low life. As for childcare I would be looking at other options (family and friends) so you can count on a break.

Not suprised the kids didn't want to go if he picks and chooses when he can be arsed seeing them. YANBU telling him that they didn't want to go, it should have given him a kick up the arse to make more of an effort. I'd hate to hear that my DD didn't want to stay with me

Hi, thank you for all of you responses.
He doesn't drink so it's not an hangover....he used covid as an excuse for a while, jeez, he must have had it about 4 times In the space of 2 months!
Unfortunately have no other means of childcare, apart from his sister who has 3 kids herself so I can't and won't be asking her all the time....And when I feel under the weather I just plod on like us mum's do! Luckily my kids old enough to play amongst themselves if need be.