To think I’m not marriage material?

[Floralteaspoon]

I’ll start off by saying, I’m 32 and I’m suspected to be on the autistic spectrum.
I’ve had three long term relationships and other shorter ones too. But no one seems to want to commit to me.
I’ve had two engagements, but it felt they were both doing it out of duty or because I wanted them to.
The relationship I’m currently in (which I think is basically coming to an end) , we have a child and a mortgage together, but he said to me (although we’re engaged) that he doesn’t want to get married until I change some things. To say I felt hurt was an understatement. I understand I’m not perfect and people do seem to struggle living with me because of my autistic traits, but surely if you love somebody, you accept them for who they are?

What does he want you to change? Seems a bit weird since you live together and have a child

I wouldn’t say nobody wants to commit to you - having a child and a mortgage with someone is definitely big commitment. But I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. What sort of things are you expected to change?

So he doesn't want to get married until you 'change some things', but he was perfectly happy to make the lifelong commitment of having a child and a (generally speaking) twenty five year commitment to a mortgage with you?

Fuck that.

It seems very odd of your partner to be prepared to commit to a child and mortgage, but to hold marriage as a prize you have to earn by changing to meet his requirements.

What does he want you to change, and has he explained why it was necessary for marriage but not for inextricably entwining your lives by other means?

It’s hard to judge without more info, but I don’t like the sound of how he’s holding it out of reach and making you feel you aren’t good enough for marriage.

I think your choice of partners might be the problem and not you!

It really depends on what he thinks needs to change.

Some traits should be accepted. Not saying you have these But Autistic or not, if the things that he think you need to cause are things like controlling behaviour, no one should have to accept that. It's your job to change those before getting in a relationship

Marriage isn’t some prize men are allowed by the universe to hold out as a carrot for good behaviour, OP. Especially not to someone they already have a child and house and cohabit with.

This isn’t about whether or not you’re marriage material. If your partner wants you to change, he’s not worthy of marrying you. It’s a shame he didn’t tell you this before you had a child together.

Low expectations and crap boyfriends I suspect rather than you. Don’t live with men until engagement and a date set. Definitely no kids until marriage. Dump him and start over with higher expectations and boundaries.

It really depends on what it is he is expecting you to change. He hasn't ditched you based on whatever these things are, but it sounds like he feels he can't commit further until you work on whatever these things may be.
Maybe have a proper sit down talk about it. Consider couples counselling if need be.

I think it's really unfair of your partner to say that. I agree with a PP it's like he is holding it out of reach as a weapon amd making you feel you aren't good enough. Maybe he has traits too

Need to understand what he means.

Bringing a child into the world is a huge commitment more so than marriage and you were OK for that?

What autistic traits do you have which makes it difficult for someone to live with you?

I don't like the way this sounds. I had an abusive partner once, who kept holding things over me unless I "changed" certain things. That's not how love works. That's not respectful communication, either.

Respectful communication is, "This is what I need from a relationship". Then you decide if your'e compatible. You don't blame each other, or try to change each other. You CAN communicate if you're not happy with something - but the idea of "change" shouldn't be used as a bargaining/control mechanism.

Example?
"I need lots of physical affection." = Respectful communication.
"Unless you can be more affectionate, I won't marry you." = Controlling/disrespectful.

It doesn't matter if you're on the autistic spectrum or not. You are not unlovable or unworthy or any of the things running through your mind. You just don't seem to have chosen a partner who is good for you. This happens to many of us. To most people! Almost everyone! You have to get really, really, really lucky to just marry the first person you meet and find yourselves perfectly compatible with each other.

In reality, relationships are usually part of the whole journey of life. They are how you learn about yourself and what you really want. If a relationship isn't working, it's not because you're faulty. It's because the relationship isn't the right fit.