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Original poster

Would you tell his ex that he isn't looking after his child properly?

51 replies

empress0 · 08/08/2021 14:19

I'm new here and don't have children myself but I need some opinions, as I'm not sure if I should get involved or not.

I'm in a very new relationship with someone and he's got an almost 1yo with his ex, they split up before their son was born though, and we've only been in a relationship for about 3 months. Yesterday, I went to his and he had his son, i didn't know this as he didn't tell me previously.

His son wouldn't drink his bottle so he put him in his cot, he then started crying, but boyfriend said he'd stop soon, he didn't so I told him to go to him, which he didn't seem happy about, he then gave him to me and told me to ‘sort him out then’ and just went out.

I did manage to calm him down and he was asleep when boyfriend got back and apologised.

Should I tell his ex?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 08/08/2021 16:10

How long was he gone for ? Are you going to stay with this man ?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/08/2021 16:12

I absolutely would yes.
This is a very new relationship. Normally this is the time they present their best side. If this is him trying then God help that child. Even if this is how he normally is and it doesn't get worse iyswim it's still unacceptable.

CremeEggThief · 08/08/2021 16:14

You know you'll be used by this man if you stay with him, don't you. He sounds very selfish.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/08/2021 16:17

So he was crying at night time for maybe 10 mins whilst settling down (not unreasonable) you have no children but tried telling a very new bf how he should parent (unreasonable) and he walked out (unreasonable). How long was he gone for, where did he go, was it just outside for 5 mins to calm down have a cuppa or off to the pub for a few hours

Dutch1e · 08/08/2021 16:30

I'd definitely say something. Anyone who says to a virtual stranger "here's my crying baby, cheerio" is a negligent parent.

I'm not pointing this at you in particular obviously, only that a person in your situation could be any kind of sinister person.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/08/2021 16:38

He walked out leaving you with his son? Who doesn't know you? And this is after him failing to respond to child's crying.
Yes, I would tell the mother, he is not fit to be in charge of the poor baby. How long was he actually out for - are we talking minutes or hours?

bumblebeebanana · 08/08/2021 17:11

i would tell the ex yes.

Babyroobs · 08/08/2021 17:19

Just steer clear of this guy. It doesn't sound like he has had much experience of looking after the baby on his own and is easily frustrated. You'll be forever doing most of the work if you stay with him.

Superfoodie123 · 08/08/2021 17:25

Yes tell the ex! This is very important. What will he do with the baby when there's no one to dump him on and he gets too frustrated to deal with it.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/08/2021 17:57

Well I don't think you need to tell the ex if all that happened was "father tries to give toddler a bottle, toddler won't take bottle (that he presumably is having alongside food and water at that age so he won't starve) so father puts toddler in his cot and he cries for a few minutes". Was there more to it? Did the child grizzle or fully sob? Did he put him in there to do something else after trying to get him to take the bottle, or did he put him in the second the child wouldn't take the bottle and then leave him and totally ignore him so he could sit gaming or whatever?

I think the commenters saying that you, a new girlfriend of four months, should tell his ex this like he's a bad father and the child isn't safe likely have their own problems with this. Because I dont think theyd say the same if a man came on here and said "I've been dating a woman four months and saw her let her toddler cry when he wouldn't take his bottle and she put him in his cot for fifteen minutes and when I told her to pick him up she got offended.... Should I tell her ex husband/boyfriend?".

I think that would get comments like "You've been dating her four months, don't you dare tell her how to parent!" and "Being a mum is hard work, you don't even have kids, you shouldn't tell her ex like she's a naughty child!"....

So I don't think you've seen something so bad you need to tell the childs mother, and I dont think he was wrong to he pissed off someone he's just started dating is talking to him like he doesn't know what he's doing and needs her to tell him, when he's presumably been caring for his son for a year and the child is healthy and his mother hasn't thought he's doing something wrong from the parenting she saw when they were together or when she picked up the child and taken him to hers.

But it is a problem that he went out. He might have just been pissed off you'd told him how to parent and was being an idiot trying to show you it's harder than you think. But that's still not ok. How long was he gone for, was it hours or a few minutes?

Because if it was ages and it was because he was angry about what youd said then that's really bad because he obviosuly has tantrums like a toddler when someone stands up to him. You arent his baby sitter, and he barely knows you, so leaving his child with you is the problem here because he might see you as "free childcare" and because his child doesn't know you, so if you were telling the ex it should be more because he's leaving the baby with a stranger for ages than because he let him cry for fifteen minutes.

Yesitsbess · 08/08/2021 18:02

Had you met the son before this?

nimbuscloud · 08/08/2021 18:17

Well I don't think you need to tell the ex if all that happened was "father tries to give toddler a bottle, toddler won't take bottle (that he presumably is having alongside food and water at that age so he won't starve)

The op says the child is almost a year old - still a baby, not a toddler.

Original poster
empress0 · 08/08/2021 18:27

He was out for about an hour. The baby was actually crying, not just being grumpy but boyfriend was ignoring him.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 08/08/2021 18:28

Definitely tell the baby’s mother.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 08/08/2021 18:28

@nimbuscloud

Well I don't think you need to tell the ex if all that happened was "father tries to give toddler a bottle, toddler won't take bottle (that he presumably is having alongside food and water at that age so he won't starve)

The op says the child is almost a year old - still a baby, not a toddler.

Well that's an odd thing to pick out of my whole post but as it bothers you.... I was thinking the baby as being one, "almost one" seemed unimportant to worry over what I assumed would be "hes a couple of weeks off one", or the OP shouldn't have put "almost one" if he was more than that off being one.
30degreesandmeltinghere · 08/08/2021 18:31

You are party to neglect of you keep quiet.
I hope you don't intend to stay together?
Imagine that was your baby he was ignoring...
Imagine if you hadn't been there....
Imo his ex needs to know. She may have been bullied into handing the baby over as a control thing. Doesn't sound like he actually wanted it to be there..

Fullofglee · 08/08/2021 18:31

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nancydroo

Hm.
He's nearly one and wouldn't have his bottle?
Surely he would be on solids

Babies still have formula until their first birthday then go onto cows milk maybe a zippy cup would be better but they do have milk just now much.

5475878237NC · 08/08/2021 19:00

Yes I would want you to tell me please.

ellyeth · 08/08/2021 19:06

Yes, tell her. She needs to know that he cannot be relied upon to look after his son, and his manner sounds quite aggressive.

Don't continue in this relationship. He sounds like trouble.

toocold54 · 08/08/2021 19:19

It’s ok to leave a baby crying for a bit especially if they don’t want to go to sleep or if you are feeling stressed out but it’s completely unacceptable for him to leave him with you without asking. He could have easily said can you watch him as I’m struggling and need a quick break.

I would actually speak to him about it and not the mum.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 08/08/2021 19:22

@nancydroo

Hm. He's nearly one and wouldn't have his bottle? Surely he would be on solids?
This reminds me of my aunt when I said I was planning to bf until DS2 was 2. She said "but you'll give him solids as well, won't you?" 🤦‍♂️
Still1nLove · 08/08/2021 19:25

What was he doing while his child was crying?

How long was the child crying before you offered to step in?

Was it bedtime and the child wouldn’t settle?

How often does he have his child?

Are you planning on staining in the relationship?

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2021 19:25

Well I don't acrually think leaving the baby to cry for 10-15 minutes was negligent, tbh, this is a common parenting method. His reaction of dumping the baby on you and leaving was unacceptable, though, and I would certainly be breaking off the relationship after that red flag.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/08/2021 19:37

I would want to know.. The 10 minutes, hard to know, he may do controlled crying.

The dumping baby on someone he doesn't know well , doesn't have children so unless you have some relevant experience leaving you with his baby is completely unacceptable.

Fernando072020 · 08/08/2021 20:42

I have a 13 month old and I'd want to know if his dad left him to cry, and left him with people he'd only known for a few months.

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