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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being too harsh?

17 replies

Firstbaby2022 · 07/08/2021 23:29

So me and my partner have been together 5 years and just recently found out we’re expecting a baby.

I think this has made me look at the relationship with a fine tooth comb (I don’t know why) and although I love him and he is a good person, I’m constantly telling him I feel like he doesn’t support me, he’s snappy with me and I don’t like it, he doesn’t do nice gestures for me like buy me flowers, he doesn’t randomly text me through the day saying he loves me or little things like that, I just feel as though he doesn’t care about my feelings and makes minimal effort to be nice to me. Am I being too harsh? I feel bad for constantly telling him I feel like he doesn’t care, I know it stresses him out and probably upsets him as he feels like he’s doing nothing wrong but I can’t just hold it in, or should I? I don’t know. I’ve told him I think he’s pushing me away by not being supportive or even asking me how I’m feeling and that I might need a break (only to get him thinking of how little effort he makes). Am I being unreasonable? Is it just pregnancy hormones? 🤯

Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
pinkflamingo21 · 07/08/2021 23:32

Hey, I feel like I relate to this so much (but not pregnant) and I'd love to see what others think too. Do you think deep down that he loves you?

Mischance · 07/08/2021 23:38

It sounds as though you are feeling insecure and need him to repeatedly tell you that he loves you, bring you flowers etc. I guess that could be pretty hard for him.

In what way do you feel he is not being supportive?

Your expectations might be a bit hard to meet.

RunnerDuck2020 · 07/08/2021 23:40

Have you only felt this way since you have been pregnant? If so, I think it’s probably the pregnancy hormones.

Vallmo47 · 07/08/2021 23:43

It might be pregnancy hormones OP… I struggled so much with my emotions in my first pregnancy. Constantly analysing friendships and family members, it was exhausting for all involved. You’ve given him the heads up now that you’d like him to do more but if you were happy enough with him beforehand, he might struggle to see he’s at fault now if you know what I mean? Doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t legit, but keep working at relationship and remember that at least some of it could be down to pregnancy hormones as well. 🥰 Good luck and congratulations!

TheSmallAssassin · 07/08/2021 23:45

I couldn't be doing with randomly texting my husband throughout the day to remind him I love him, I have a life to live and a job to do! What nice gestures do you do regularly do for him? Are they things that he wants?

I think it is one thing if he doesn't support you when you need it, and another if he's not making "romantic" gestures. Remember he cannot read your mind, if there's stuff you need, use your words and ask explicitly 😊

GertietheGherkin · 07/08/2021 23:49

If you've been with him 5 yrs and he's like this, did you never notice before?
If so, why stay? Why have a baby?
If it's all been great before you fell pregnant? Then it's likely to either be your hormones, or he has changed, and maybe he's worried about the pregnancy and the changes as a result of that too.

Dina0 · 07/08/2021 23:50

I think its definitely pregnancy hormones i was like this with my first pregnancy too. Especially with your first your emotions are all over the place. If you know he loves you then these small gestures shouldn't make a difference. People show their love in all different types of ways, maybe you need to just have a discussion with your partner about how he feels about you so you feel more reassured xx

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2021 23:55

Snappy with you and not asking you how you’re feeling: not good

Not buying you flowers or randomly texting you through the day to tell you he loves you: unrealistic expectation

Original poster
Firstbaby2022 · 08/08/2021 00:07

Thanks for your replies! It’s a constant debate in my head because I know I’m over reacting but that doesn’t change the way I feel and he should make an effort surely? I know he loves me and no I haven’t really noticed this before pregnancy so chances are it is the hormones but again that still doesn’t change the way i feel ☹️

@thesmallassassin I also have a full time demanding job and often text him reminding him I love him so why can’t he? Maybe it just doesn’t cross his mind and maybe I’m noticing more because I do it for him?
@Mischance yeah I agree, maybe I’m just being a tad too needy.
@Vallmo47 I’m doing the same, with everybody, it gives me a headache! Maybe it is the hormones! & thank you xxx

@Dina0 I’m happy im not the only one to feel this way so thanks for your reply, it’s definitely an experience if anything xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Firstbaby2022 · 08/08/2021 00:17

@HeddaGarbled it makes sense when someone else says it, it just doesn’t in my head. Thank you!

OP posts:
Farwest · 08/08/2021 00:22

Don't belittle your very legitimate concerns as hormones.

How do you know he loves you? Why do you think that or feel that? I agree with others that flowers and texts don't equal love, or prove it. But what does he do that convinces you that he loves you?

FetchezLaVache · 08/08/2021 00:35

When you say he makes minimal effort to be nice to you, do you mean that he isn't very nice at all to you, or that he doesn't go out of his way to shower you with gestures several times a day?

TheSmallAssassin · 08/08/2021 00:36

Would he care if you stopped sending messages throughout the day? We aren't all the same, so you might be expecting him to be grateful for and reciprocate something that he's not really bothered about, even though he loves you. Talk to him about it, tell him what you'd like and what it means to you, and come to an understanding?

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/08/2021 01:08

Have you looked up love languages? We all communicate our love in different ways so it may be that he shows his love by way eg making sure your favourite chocolate is in the fridge, or to cook dinner. Yours is words of affection.

Has he always been snappy? In what ways does he not support you? Do you tell him what you need or do you plough on and then get annoyed that he has left you to get on with it because he sees you are capable?

MaskingForIt · 08/08/2021 02:06

Why on earth did you decide to have a baby with someone who you are not sure loves you? Why would you bring a baby into an unstable loveless relationship?

Honestly, women’s rights will only get us so far. Women also need to carry the can and be more selective who they breed with.

RightYesButNo · 08/08/2021 02:34

Has he always been snappy? In what ways does he not support you?

This is what it would really hinge on for me: what you mean by these two statements.

Original poster
Firstbaby2022 · 08/08/2021 12:21

Jeeeeez @MaskingForIt talk about kick someone while they’re down. I never said he didn’t love me, I know he does. I came on here for advice and not for comments like that, it’s not helpful at all is it?

Thanks for all the other replies, it’s something to think about x

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