To think I’m as bad as Faye in love island

[Simpleisntit]

Accidentally saw my boyfriend had been messaging loads of random women on Instagram flame emojis, creepy comments and even voice notes. None were even answering him.

We’d been on a night out and he’d handed me his phone and I somehow clicked somewhere else and it popped up (honestly). It was a horrible shock as I really trusted him. I bought it up straightaway and he basically denied it which made me angry, then said he was ‘passing on compliments to friends of friends’ and I shouldn’t be so insecure and that I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy (I didn’t on purpose but I did click on a couple of messages threads when I saw they were 100% bikini model types).

I asked to see what had been said then if he has nothing to hide and he went to the toilet. I said if he deleted the messages we were over as it showed I couldn’t trust him. He said that he wasn’t deleting, then came out and lo and behind he had deleted a few threads.

It all escalated and I was very angry, shouting and swearing. I called him a c, used the f word and called him a dirty creep. He’s 42 and I’m sure these women were a lot younger.

We were both very drunk after somebody’s birthday party which I know doesn’t excuse things.

It was less about jealousy and more that I just can’t fathom my boyfriend who claims to be a feminist writing thirsty messages to young women who aren’t even responding. Men do that to me and I invariably think they’re creeps. I hated the idea he was now in that category.

But reading the love island thread has made me uncomfortable as tbh I was just as bad as Faye. I hate that I have this in me. I apologised profusely over and over again afterwards. He said he felt something had broken at the core of our relationship when I shouted like that and I have to say I probably agree. I feel very ashamed.

He has since apologised about the messsges but it took a long time for him to do this or admit it wasn’t ok.

I’ve never really done this before. I did scream at someone once when my dad was dying and he was being difficult and I just completely lost the ability to be reasonable. But that had been after years of relentless caretaking and I was just broken.

Am I on a par with Faye, or is the above a bit more understandable?

This is about your sleazy bf who sexts other women and his attempts at Denial
I don’t watch love island don’t know who Faye is
This isn’t something on telly it’s your real life with a skeazy older man who’s a liar.presumably had any of these women been daft enough to reply he’d have had sex with them

Frankly I’d be giving him the boot

He’s gaslighting you btw. He sexts other women and blames you for broken relationship. He’s trying to shift blame and disorientate you with his bluster and nonsense

He’s really done a number on you, hasn’t he. He’s an untrustworthy creep, yet you’re the one feeling ashamed.

Gather up some self-respect, and leave him to get on with his thirsty messages.

So you called your charming middle aged boyfriend out on messaging and voice messaging women half his age and your the one in the wrong and apologising? How the fuck does that work?

I like Faye but she’s a total nutter.

Your boyfriend’s behaviour is repulsive actually. YANBU.

Why did you apologise? He is a cunt.

I apologised profusely over and over again afterwards. He said he felt something had broken at the core of our relationship when I shouted like that and I have to say I probably agree. I feel very ashamed.

He has since apologised about the messsges but it took a long time for him to do this or admit it wasn’t ok.

He's done a real number on you.
The ONLY thing you should be embarrassed about is backtracking on finishing with him if he deleted the messages. You owe yourself a big apology & a re-think on that one.

I'm so sorry you've had this nasty revelation about him. But you're right - he IS now in that category. You don't want to be with a sleazy, lying, unapologetic creep, do you?

You shouting is the very least of this relationship's problems.
He's DARVO'ing you with his "something broken at the core" bullshit.
Training you to never question him again, & take the blame for his transgressions. What a twat.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Send him this.

btw I have no idea who Faye is, & your life is not a reality show.

Why not make room in it for a decent guy?

I don’t watch Love Island and I don’t know who Faye is, but I do know that you are not the one who should be apologising here or the one who has ‘broken something at the core of your relationship’. He is a nasty, sleazy, dirty, gaslighting creep and a liar to boot.

Faye went absolutely unreasonably batshit over a guy that she'd been seeing (i.e. both single) allegedly being attracted to someone else. Your boyfriend has been sleazily sending multiple sexual messages to other women. Screaming and shouting is never strictly okay but i'd say you have your reasons

• and tried to hide it from you! I'm also wondering how he got you to feel that an apology was necessary

You have this the wrong way round...

Your behaviour may have emulated Faye's..

However ...

Teddy is NOTHING remotely like your disgusting BF.. are you even calling him your BF after that ..

Ditch the skank

Your reaction was against a sleaze bag, who broke your trust and he didn’t even apologise for his behaviour. I don’t understand why you think your reaction to being gaslighted and cheated on was the same thing. Faye was upset because Teddy had a chat with another woman and said he fancied her but declined to take that further. Think how controlling that is.

Forget Faye; the drama on Love Island, Kardashians, Real Housewives, Married at First Sight, and all those shows, isn’t real. When marketed to advertisers, they’re called “scripted reality” so it’s all understood that the storylines can be controlled.

This isn’t “scripted reality;” it’s your real life, as a PP said. Yes, maybe you got more angry than you would have liked but it happened in response to being gaslit - your boyfriend tried to tell you that something wasn’t happening (him being incredibly creepy toward women who weren’t even responding) when you knew for certain that it was.

You don’t owe him any apologies at all. The answer is to not stay with someone who makes you feel like this. In my opinion, you didn’t do anything unforgivable. If the genders were reversed, and the exact same situation had occurred (evidence of being creepy online, lying about it, gaslighting the other partner, yelling and name calling, but nothing physical), I would say exactly the same thing to a man: your partner’s behavior was bad, yes, name calling and yelling aren’t great, but DO NOT stay with someone who gaslights you until you feel you must yell and name-call to be heard. It’s just a sign your partner is destroying your self-esteem.

I hope he’s your ex
He sounds disgusting

I haven’t seen the latest on love island but don’t compare yourself to anyone on tv, it’s not relevant

He's the one in the wrong here OP.

Yes, if you are acting like Faye then what you are doing is very, very wrong.

It's attracted comment from domestic abuse charities, it's that wrong.

Even if you think it could be a one off, you still need to and work on your anger management and any other issues that come up.

Remember, you have your own agency in this and you do not have to react like that whatever is happening. It is not his fault you became aggressive. That's all on you.

But that said, he sounds like a shit and has treated you badly. Of course you hate it that he's been acting like a creep, and of course it's a blow when you discover something so horrible about a boyfriend.

You also need to decide if you really want to be with him any more

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I feel a lot better. Someone’s comment about me shouting because I’m not being heard is exactly right. If he’d have not gaslit me I would not have escalated. It was just this really horrible moment where I felt the rug had been pulled from under my feet and I couldn’t actually believe he would do this to me.

I have since ended it btw, he also gaslit me about something else that was massive and clearly had commitment issues. But the incident above was a bit of a turning point for me as my trust was lost.

I definitely have him far too many chances though. He totally did a darvo on me and I’d never realised how badly till today. It was out of character massively of me to shout. I need to find a man that never makes me remotely close to raising my voice. To be fair that is most guys I’ve been out with!!

Good on you ... 🌸

I think some people, when they disrespect you bring out your crazy and do not deserve to be treated with respect in return. Ex h, I have thrown things and called him all the names under the sun, new dh- never have never would he treats me with respect and it’s returned ten fold. Faye has acted like a total Pratt, especially since Teddy has not really done anything wrong and she’s punishing him for her own baggage.

@AuntieStella

Yes, if you are acting like Faye then what you are doing is very, very wrong.

It's attracted comment from domestic abuse charities, it's that wrong.

Even if you think it could be a one off, you still need to and work on your anger management and any other issues that come up.

Remember, you have your own agency in this and you do not have to react like that whatever is happening. It is not his fault you became aggressive. That's all on you.

But that said, he sounds like a shit and has treated you badly. Of course you hate it that he's been acting like a creep, and of course it's a blow when you discover something so horrible about a boyfriend.

You also need to decide if you really want to be with him any more

She didn't act like Faye - as apparently Faye's scripted meltdown wasn't for remotely similar reasons. See PP's comment about the chap she was dating spoke to someone else/found them attractive/didn;t take them up on their come-on (sorry can't be arsed to look it up).

Whereas OP's man perved onto unsuspecting young women, kept perving on them even when they didn't respond, lied about it, deleted the perving messages, & then gaslit OP. He also manipulated her good nature by making her perfectly reasonable upset into a worse thing that the perving & lying that caused it.

If he didn't want to be called a cunt, he didn't have to behave like one.
Stop shaming women for having valid emotions, & expressing them.

Thank you @ChargingBuck. He always went on about how kind and giving I was and how he had never met anyone so kind etc which is why he hadn’t had a girlfriend in over a decade. I now know he took advantage of that good nature and pushed me to my very limit, without me even realising what was going on. It was all very subtle and he always painted himself as a victim. I will never go out with a man that paints himself in that way in relation to exes again.