I’m generally very calm (I think) in relationships, although I can be insecure and sometimes question things too much which can be discouraging for guys who have feelings for me. I am working on this.
I’m asking this question because a couple of months ago I had a massive go at my boyfriend which to be honest was on a par with Faye. We were both very drunk from a night out which I know doesn’t excuse it. I swore and shouted at him. I’ve been reading the thread on love island and wondering if I am actually abusive.
It all kind of escalated. I was on his phone (he’d given it to me) and I accidentally clicked through to the next screen where he’d been sending women in bikinis messages on instagram. All of his threads were women. I clicked into a couple of them. He hadn’t done this for a while but it had been while we were going out. There was even a voice note in the thread I opened. These women were never replying and the whole thing felt very creepy. Lots of flame emojis and random comments about nice bikini etc.
I confronted him immediately and asked him what it was about and he blamed me for snooping (I genuinely wasn’t) and said he was just ‘passing on compliments’ to ‘friends of friends’ (I don’t think these were friends, the one I clicked on was an influencer not that it matters). I asked him to show me the messages then if he had nothing to hide and he refused, instead going and hiding in the toilet. I told him not to delete things and that if he did we would be over as I needed to understand what had been said. he said he wasn’t, then came out and he had indeed deleted a few threads. Which then upset me as I felt he must have had something bad to hide.
During this time I escalated to shouting and calling him a dirty f creep and other similar things, as some of these women were half his age. I also told him to f off when he said can we sit down and talk about this calmly. I also think I used the c word.
It was all a big shock and I felt awful about my reaction, and apologised profusely the next day and the days following. He said he felt something had broken at the core of our relationship because of how angry I had been, and tbh I think he has a point. It was real venom coming out my mouth.
I hate that I have this in me. Am I on a par with Faye? I’ve never spoken to any exes like this as far as I can remember. It was unusual for me. But I know that I am too easily triggered to be insecure and I wish I could fix this. For me this incident was less about the messages and more about the lying on his part which made me feel I couldn’t trust him , but perhaps he lied because he was so scared of me. He looked petrified.
Yabu - you are not as bad as Faye
Yanbu - you are as bad as Faye