She died on 18th December, she was in a care home and ive many many threads on here about how bloody difficult she was.
Ive so many questions that ive stuck my head in the sand about but now its bothering me.
Why, when they called an ambulance for her in the morning did no one see fit to call me, when the reason they didn't take her to hospitsl is that they considered it end of life? I got a call in the evening telling me this, no indication that she was actually dying! Something in my gut told me to go, not the nurse, so i said can i come tomorrow (covid being an issue) to see her was told yes, in the circumstances, i changed my mind and said im coming now, by the time i got there , 30 minutes, she was gone.
Ironically the social worker called me that day to say she had to postpone the assessment visit she was doing that day as mum was poorly, had had ambulance but not taken to hospital. (This was common for mum as she would get very het up) so would rearrange the visit.
WHY WHY WHY didn't i call?? And if i had called, could i have insisted on hospital for treatment and she'd be alive now? I didn't call because id found it difficult to get to talk to anyone and it made me ancious, i figured they would call me if there was a problem and i would call later when DP home from work and the night staff would allow me to talk to mum. WHY did i let my mum down??
I had spoken to her on the Sunday, promised i would visit soon as the lateral flow testing was due to start in care homes. She was quite chipper. It wasnt unusual for her to be up.and down.
Why have i literally heard NOTHING from the home since?? No condolences, ji called on the sunday, after she died because i had become sick and yep, you guessed it, fucking covid. I had a tickly throat on the way over and mentioned it to my dp but id been cleaning and bleach can irritate my throat. I explained to the person who answered, no sorry to hear that etc, just ok, ill let them know and the phone put down.
I wrote to the care quality commission with my concerns and they visited the home based on this and did an inspection. Told me there had been a change in management and asked if i wanted to make an official complaint. I didnt because i felt so bad about not calling before and that it was my fault, if that makes sense.
My mum was so difficult, made me very anxious, but i miss her so very much. It is like a physical pull and its not getting better, its getting worse. Nothing will bring her back and actually, God forgive me, she is better off. Her life was awful, but she was failed, failed by social services, local authorities and worst of all, failed by me, her only daughter. It was a constant battle with her, social services (chocolate tea pot springs to mind) , the mental health team (wouldn't listen to me, just another old bag neglecting herself), her GPs. The carers she had were lovely, great, but 3 half hour visits a day before she was hospitalised in july. It wasnt enough. I told them we couldnt cope. She remained in hospital for three months and i battled with social services to get them to agree to nursing care and then when they finally agreed it took even more time to find a hone to accept her as her needs were too complex 
she hated being in hospital and didnt get time to settle in the home because covid meant she was isolated for two weeks, then she broke her hip, two more weeks in hospital and then more isolation. It was so spectacularly shit, all of it.
Im so sorry mum, i will always love you and cant wait until we are together again. Im sorry