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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby drop off location

18 replies

Newmumoct20 · 07/08/2021 17:12

So I’ve already posted on here about the current situation but this is a specific thing I’m unsure about.

In summary, my ex permanently left for good and has blocked me saying he will go through legal channels to see his son. Until then he won’t be seeing him. This was over a week ago and to date I’ve heard nothing. Our little boy is 9 months old.

Through a text exchange with his sister I have advised all I want is what’s best for our son and that it’s not right for him to go from seeing his dad a few times a week when we first separated to nothing now and she said she would speak with him to work with me on an arrangement so he can see him.

He text out of the blue yesterday and asked to see his son all day tomorrow, I said no but he could see him for a few hours in the afternoon as at no point when we were together had he ever looked after him on his own for more than an hour or two and I want to make sure my son is ok being apart from me, all day for the first time seemed too much.

He then said he didn’t want to come to my home and that we should meet in a busy car park for handover, about half hour from each of our homes.

After much thought I decided today that I don’t feel comfortable with that, I want our son to go between homes or grandparents homes, not shuffled in and out of cars disrupting how settled he is in the car long term or confusing him about journeys.

I’ve said I will drop my son off wherever suits him and I would expect him dropped back to my mums. Both would be outside so we would only have to talk to hand over baby’s stuff (pram/car seat etc). I would pack baby’s bag make sure he has everything he needs so my ex doesn’t really have anything to worry about other than dropping him home.

He’s said no, and forget it! Am I being unreasonable in what I am saying about home drop offs, I’m worried the reason he doesn’t want that as he will take my son somewhere I wouldn’t be happy with or that he just doesn’t want the inconvenience of the extra 20 minute drive!

He’s been very nasty towards me, blocking me on everything unless he wants something I.e. access and has threatened legal action but nothing has come through.

Should I stick to my guns and if he refuses to bring my son home not allow anymore access till mediation sorted or should I just hand my son over in a supermarket car park! It just doesn’t seem right to me!

OP posts:

NotYourCupOfTea · 07/08/2021 17:15

Wait for the court order

It just sounds a mess

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 17:17

Please don't entrust your dc to him.
He is already using him to control you. Let a judge deem him suitable for unsupervised contact.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 07/08/2021 17:17

Don't chase him for access. That's his job. Yes, it may feel unfair on your son but his dad doesn't necessarily have DSs best interests in mind with his arrangements.

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 07/08/2021 17:29

Do you think handover in a supermarket car park is unreasonable? He’s just followed up with a text to say he wants to see his son on a different day next week as he’s camping! Feels like it is all on his terms 😢

OP posts:

LuxOlente · 07/08/2021 17:30

Do not give your baby son to a "nasty", threatening man who has already said he does not wish to see his son.

What he wants is power.

Babies come to harm near men like that.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 17:39

It's not all on his terms at all. Every single thing he's suggested you've dismissed and countered to make him more uncomfortable.

Let him have the baby tomorrow afternoon.
Have the handover in a public place that's completely neutral.

kitkatsky · 07/08/2021 17:42

I don't think handover in a busy place is necessarily a problem but I do suggest you stop making such an effort. I'd be v surprised if he ever takes you to court and you can't make him be a good dad to your son. Don't refuse contact before court but don't chase him for it directly or via his family

GoodVibesHere · 07/08/2021 17:50

The car park handover would make me feel a bit like the baby is a parcel. Like a transaction. It just seems a bit of a horrible place to wave off your son.

It would be 100% nicer to do 'handover' at your house/his house.

Once you start off it will be harder to change it in the future. So when your boy is no longer a baby, and is old enough to know what's happening, it won't be nice having to do handover in a car park when he's 4 or 5 years old. Or when it's pissing with rain.

GeorgeMichaelBluth · 07/08/2021 17:55

@GoodVibesHere

The car park handover would make me feel a bit like the baby is a parcel. Like a transaction. It just seems a bit of a horrible place to wave off your son.

It would be 100% nicer to do 'handover' at your house/his house.

From my own perspective, as a child who didn't see the other parent very often, I would not have cared where handover was as long as I got to see them. Honestly I don't think the car park is the issue, none of the reasons raised really resonate with me. I do agree not to chase him for contact though, he needs to step up.

Christmasfairy2020 · 07/08/2021 18:02

Yabvu it's his child as well. Grow up and stop been silly. Meet in carpark let him have him for day

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 07/08/2021 18:02

Thank you everyone. A bit of a mixed bag of responses, I guess my concern with the car park handover is it’s one car journey and then all out and then in another car for a journey to end up who knows where. My son is very unsettled at the moment and even if I leave the room for more than a few minutes he gets upset, he used to be fine at my mums but even now when I leave he gets upset and I don’t want him to get distressed. I just figure for all parties it be easier straight out of the car once into someone’s home rather than chopping and changing but guess it’s subjective.

Re the comment about it ‘not’ being on his own terms and that I’ve dismissed everything, I’ve chased him to see his son on the basis I needed a break yesterday or today, he came back with tomorrow and now he’s texting tell me what days he’s seeing his son without considering my work commitments or plans,

He’s basically telling me to change the day next week because he is taking his other children (that he doesn’t live with either) on holiday for a week and unless I agree with everything he says he won’t see his son, that feels awful. Especially as he spends so much with his older children, he doesn’t seem bothered by his baby son 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

Newmumoct20 · 07/08/2021 18:10

Well he’s just text back, he’s agreed for me to drop at his mums and he will bring back to my mums. It’s an hour journey each way for both of us but far more comfortable for me in terms of making sure my son is ok.

OP posts:

JustLoveYourselfALittle · 07/08/2021 18:12

We have a cao for dsc.
Collection is from the end of the DMs Road and return to same spot. Not from the house.
Anyone other than dh can collect, for his own safety.
Thats all in the cao. But that's due to dh ex being malicious, making up lies and using dcs as a weapon.
The judge didn't take kindly to that. Granted dh more time than he asked for and told her she was evil and malicious and of she carried on dh would have the residency.

It's often one of. The ils tho collect then we collect from their house. Has been for many years.

Hankunamatata · 07/08/2021 18:15

I think carpark or other public place would be fine, much less confrontational and there is no reason he couldn't have him for the day its not like he hasn't seen him in months.

Co parenting is a two way street. Dont keep saying no just because he hasn't been nice to you.

supersonicginandtonic · 07/08/2021 18:32

@Hankunamatata I completely agree with everything you are saying. Great advice

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 07/08/2021 18:39

Handovers in neutral locations (including supermarket car parks) are often advised where there has been abuse or animosity between parents. So I don’t see that part as being unreasonable.
However, the rest of his behaviour, I do think it comes across as controlling, and as such I’d advise seeking a more formal contact arrangement, to minimise any arguments. I’d also advise though.. contact isn’t about your need for a break, but your son’s right to see his father. If you’re needing support, reach out to your own family or friends.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/08/2021 18:42

At 9 months your baby has no concept of missing someone ... He also doesn't know good people from bad... As the dm you get to make those choices on his behalf.. If you can't /struggling then seek legal advice and get a professional opinion.. Dc here and there doesn't bode well for a decent df though does it?
I hope you cms..as that isn't optional for him either..

2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 07/08/2021 18:47

Meeting in a public place to do handover is not a bad thing. Many separated parents do this, my own children have not come to harm from being handed over to their dad at a service station car park or similar.

You say it feels like he wants this all on his terms, but so do you it would appear. Not having a go, it’s natural to want that. But in my experience you have to decide what things are a genuine issue, what hill are you prepared to die on? What issues are not really worth an argument. Your baby is young, he won’t even notice or care whether he is handed over on your doorstep or in a car park somewhere. If this is the plan going forward, let it be part of a routine now.

Btw if you haven’t already, make a claim for child support with CMS.

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