PIL running commentary on everything I do

[philadelphiafreedom]

PIL live in the same village as my DM, and about 10 mins drive from us.

MIL makes a point of calling/texting/mentioning every time she sees my DM walking in the village, and telling me that I should worry about a ‘woman of her age’ walking alone and stop her doing this. For reference, DM is very fit, healthy and in her early 60s. MIL makes a lot of comments about DM’s age and that she is single. I feel protective of DM and eventually got fed up and shut this down by saying ‘MIL, you are only a year younger than DM - do you think we should be worrying about you?’ This stopped the age comments but not the alerts that my mother had been spotted outside the house. MIL seems to have a fixation with DM and what she wears/drives/cooks/does with her life in general. MIL has also spotted DM and I in town and texted to say that we should both be wearing coats 🙄

We don’t have them round very much as MIL in particular can be critical. PIL no longer have a key to the house as they were letting themselves in unannounced - that’s another story. She can be interfering and unkind in general, with a particular habit of providing a running commentary on everything I do. Small example: last time she was here I was in the midst of fairly severe hyperemesis and made a slice of toast (one of the things I could periodically get down) and she started saying ‘oooh you’re having toast, mind you don’t burn it’ and ‘someone’s burnt the toast!’ ‘Oh PF’s just enjoying her burnt toast’ tinkly laugh - it went on. I was bemused more than anything as it’s such a non issue (like the time I accidentally killed a house plant and she told me thank god I didn’t have children if I can’t even look after a plant) but it’s just part of a wider pattern of anything and everything DP and I do being up for debate/comment. Recently we have been doing work in the garden and MIL been quite unpleasant to DP over the phone for not sending her pictures quickly enough.

So, the plan for now (mid pregnancy and having some pregnancy complications) is to ease back on the contact and for DP to work on ability/willingness to put in healthy boundaries. He says he understands but that this is the way she’s always been and that covid has given her ‘cabin fever’, making the behaviour worse. Since becoming pregnant her behaviour has had a greater effect on me, I’m not sure why.

DP has mentioned in passing today that FIL texted him to say that he has driven past and seen me walking the dogs in our village. An older person had fallen further down the road; when I passed there was a large group of people offering assistance with first responders attending to the injured person. FIL wanted to know from DP whether I stopped, what happened, what I did I do about it. I know this is irrational but for some reason the idea of FIL rushing home to report back to MIL has really irked me? Normally I wouldn’t care but on top of everything else the idea of yet more comments when I wasn’t expecting them, makes me want to tell them to go away and get a life? AIB completely U over such a small thing?

I grew up in a place like this where relatives and friends of dm would report back to her where I had been or what I was wearing.

I moved to the other end of the country.

This sounds like mil is stalking your dm.

Your PIL have no life, and are bored out of their head, not much you can do!

I know friends who physically moved away to get some peace, one of them even cross country literally because of suffocating IL like that (think Cornwall from Scotland!)

Unless your mother and you all move away, you just need to smile and bear it, they won't change. I would limit contact to an absolute minimum.

‘oooh you’re having toast, mind you don’t burn it’ and ‘someone’s burnt the toast!’ ‘Oh PF’s just enjoying her burnt toast’ tinkly laugh - it went on.
I am sorry.. your MIL is just stupid. Likely doesn't mean bad, but is thick as a plank. Try to find it more charming than annoying, or use whatever skills she must have in something for your own benefit (like ask her to bake or darn your socks or something).

Tell her that your mum is in witness protection and your PILs are potentially at risk of being bugged by a criminal gang from London so they need to stop mentioning when they've seen her or the gang will get the tip-off...

[quote philadelphiafreedom]@Debetswell I am chuckling heartily at the idea of telling PIL that I am up for a Pride of Britain! Not sure what I am going to wear to the ceremony due to my hair issue though[/quote]
Well obviously you need to wear a coat else MIL will text you while you're on stage to tell you!!

That is so weird, like you are under surveillance!

Ignore the stupid texts. Yes annoying but what can you do.

The stuff in your home though - that’s a different story. You need to have DH on board though. If he isn’t on board then there is a problem.

Have you considered moving, this would drive me insane and will only get worse when baby is here. At least get some brochures from estate agents and leave a bundle laying around, and tell your mum to go into all the estate agents in town regularly so it looks like you and your mum are both moving on and tell your mum to wear odd fluorescent colored socks to make sure shes noticed

No advice, @philadelphiafreedom, but sympathies - if DH had a brother; I’d be sure our MILs were the same person.

Does your MIL not have a life? She is going to be a nightmare when the baby arrives

This scares the living daylights out of me. I’m due at the end of the year and I’m so nervous about it.

I felt really irritated just reading this. The bunt toast thing gave me the rage.

I don't have great parents (distant Dad) and rather a narcissistic mother. My mother has a lot of form for this no-boundaries kind of stuff and, I'm afraid to say it did escalate when DC arrived.

She was always trying to grab control, we'd go to the shopping centre when DS was tiny and she'd literally wait for me to look at something then run off with the pram around Debenhams. DS needed constant feeding at that age and we'd had a really traumatic birth and it used to really upset me her just disappearing off with my tiny newborn while my back was turned.

Your DH needs to nip this in the bud now, it's intrusive and weird and shoes she doesn't respect you as autonomous human beings.

That is super super SUPER annoying @philadelphiafreedom I feel your pain.

I live about 30 miles north of my extended family now - cousins and aunts etc. I am in a different county, and I go to a town 5 miles north of where I live to do my shopping. So the town I used to go to (and that THEY still go to,) is 35 miles south of the town I go to now... SO I never see them! And they never see me! (Only maybe 3 or 4 times a year for 'family events...')

I am so glad, because like with you, every single little thing I did, was monitored and reported back to my parents. Not only when I was a teenager, but also when I was in my 20s and 30s, and married with my own home, and with children.

EG... My one cousin 'Jane' (just 9 months older than me, but who acted like I was a child,) once told my mother that she had seen me giving the V sign to a van driver. He had pipped his horn and shouted 'nice tits' out of window at me, and as he drove off I stuck my 2 fingers up.

When I saw my mum, she said, 'honestly Willow, they're all talking about you being so rude to a man driving a van!' I said 'FFS, he shouted nice tits out of the window at me.' But it had gone all round the family what a cheeky, impudent individual I was. My mum said I should be bigger than that, and not show myself up! I was 30, and had my own home, and I was a mother. Yet they were acting like I was a naughty child.

A couple of neighbours were gossipy too, (my parents neighbours) and reported back if they saw me coming out of the pub. Even when I was in my mid 20s, had my own flat, and was virtually still sober. I got scolded for 'looking like an alkie - being seen coming out of the pub twice in the same week!'

I also had a male cousin of mine, who worked at the same place I did when I was 20, tell my parents that I had sworn at work. SO I got a scolding for saying the word 'shit' in the factory I worked at. When I was 20!

I was still being gossiped about and judged in my early 30s, (and as I said, had my own home, and was a mother.) I believe it was because I was the youngest of 9 cousins, and was quiet and timid as a child, and they thought I should behave in a certain way... subservient, and 'ladylike' and well-behaved!

Once my parents passed away, (mid noughties,) I moved away. One of the best decisions I made was moving 30 miles away. No more judgy extended family or neighbours.

I would move too if I were you philadelphiafreedom

The running commentary alone would piss me off! DH’s grandma had form for his. She was quite deaf as well so it was commentaries based on stuff she’d seen/heard incorrectly which was even worse!

My ils never had my mobile number. Made for a much easier life. And tell your dh he needs to stop reporting back to her anything about you. Or you will look at him and see his df... Not your dh... And that isn't in your opinion a man you deem attractive...

Oh god OP I can so imagine all of those things you have said and yes they would really annoy me.
Sadly though when the baby comes it’s much worse because you are battling to be a mum your way and she will probably think she knows best because ‘that what she did 40 years ago and all her children survived’ etc. In my experience everything to do with care of the baby is met with disapproval or a funny look and offers of help really arent that helpful. My MIL though breastfeeding and slingwearing was bizarre and disgusting and got cross because it meant she couldn’t take the baby. You become mega protective and you may not even want your MIL around you.
Try to not respond as much to texts and phone calls, delay the response, start to distance a bit if possible. Stand your ground when the baby is here. Don’t worry about offending. Your baby, your birth your choice.

I no longer reply to my mils wittering unsolicited texts
(She is prejudiced bigot too which informs my behaviour somewhat...)
Blank looks also work 👍

...and you dh needs to step in tbh.

What your pils are doing is ridiculous.

How fit and active are your PIL’S, and do they actually have any hobbies and interests apart from nosiness? I’d be inclined to tell them that unfit older people with no hobbies and interests are at a significantly higher risk of developing dementia. Do you know if they have many friends? If they don’t that will tell you that others are also fed up with them! Look up lots of clubs/societies/classes for seniors for them to join.

Texts are easy to ignore, they don’t always need a response. You don’t have to answer calls.

Oh this would drive me nuts - I’d get a new phone and give your new number to everyone except PILs then just keep your old phone as the bat-shit phone for PILs then you can choose when to look at messages and not feel as harassed.

@girlywhirly

How fit and active are your PIL’S, and do they actually have any hobbies and interests apart from nosiness? I’d be inclined to tell them that unfit older people with no hobbies and interests are at a significantly higher risk of developing dementia. Do you know if they have many friends? If they don’t that will tell you that others are also fed up with them! Look up lots of clubs/societies/classes for seniors for them to join.

Texts are easy to ignore, they don’t always need a response. You don’t have to answer calls.

But the in-laws DO have hobbies and interests - spying constantly on OP and her DM, criticising them and making their lives a misery.

Agree that you've been great with your boundaries so far. Now it's time for your DP to step up. Saying that "she's always been like this" and it "cabin fever" is ignoring the problem and the fact that you're upset.

If MIL truly has got Cabin Fever I'd start giving her suggestions of things to do like becoming a befriender for Age Concern, joining the U3A or doing the 30 miles in September for Alzheimer's.

This is so annoying, but I'd be so tempted to have some fun with it... Every time she texts to say she/someone saw you I'd reply with increasingly ridiculous scenarios as to why it couldn't have been you (even if it was!)

MIL: Doris saw you in the high street today
YOU: Oh it couldn't have possibly been me, I was over in X town having a bikini wax

MIL: Ethel saw you outside the post office on Friday not wearing a coat
YOU: Nope not me, I was busy getting my anus bleached on Friday

Eventually you could drop a "MIL do we need to get your eyes tested, you seem to be seeing everywhere in places that I wasn't"

I think I would make a joke about all the things they say and do,in fact I know I would, as I tend to joke and make fun of peoples foibles. I think that a certain amount of people, do spend their lives noticing, and making comments about all and sundry. Maybe they are just that way inclined, or that their lives are just a bit boring at home. and what others are doing, gives them plenty to talk about, and some of this talk can be very critical of others., so best ignored really.

Following on from what a pp said about hobbies - I would be sorely tempted to respond to the next intrusive stalking comment with something along the lines of “PIL, we’re worried that you must be so bored and unfulfilled in your lives because all you ever seem to do is obsess about what people are doing and where they’ve been. It’s really not healthy. We think you would both benefit from taking up a new hobby and wondered if you’d be interested in x y z” and then present them with brochures or links to any courses for retired people you think they’d be vaguely interested in.

Any further ridiculous comments about yours or your DM’s daily lives, say “Did you think about those hobbies we suggested? It’s not normal or healthy to be so obsessive about what other people are up to all the time”

And repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

And if that doesn’t work, move.

Looking at it from another angle, it’s potentially useful in giving you an opportunity to consider what boundaries you want to put in place for when dc was born. Like you I found certain PiL behaviours more challenging than before whilst pregnant. In the early days of dc arrival you’re going to need dh to have your back and be on the same page so do talk it through together beforehand and make it clear what will/will not be acceptable. These are his dp and so he needs to stop enabling or normalising things that are stressful or cross boundaries.

After a while, I found parenthood made it a lot easier to be direct about what was acceptable and also to totally ignore stuff when needed (so you get to choose when you send pics of your garden/children and any other damn thing in your life - you only need to share/respond as and when you choose, not as demanded). Their commentary sounds really irritating and your dm sounds great but, lordy, this isn’t fair to her either. Depending on what you feel comfortable with, either the breezy ‘you don’t have to concern yourself about dm/me/dc, it’s all good’ or something more direct will mean that by the time dc arrive you’ll be able to shut down their nonsense quickly and crisply. They do it because, at the moment, they feel entitled to and are currently allowed to - but you and dh have the power to re-draw boundaries so that it’s clear that this isn’t ok.

You need serious boundaries before the baby arrives. They would drive me mad.

the only real solution is to move