Struggling with daily life - how can I improve?

[freshstart20211]

I’m currently exhausted after sleeping four hours last night thanks to one too many glasses of wine (it often gives me insomnia).

DH has come down with a nasty bug so he’s in bed sick.

I don’t feel well either (shattered) but will need to look after our lively toddler when he wakes up for 4-5 hours until bedtime.

House is a constant mess as I never get time to clear up and clean properly due to toddler and work. Bedroom in particular is bad with loads of dust and piles of clothes all over the floor.

I was teetotal when pregnant but my drinking is creeping up since the birth - I have several glasses a night to unwind after toddler has gone to bed, which I enjoy, but it always make me feel crap the next day. It also means I get less done in the evenings.

DH and I constantly snipe and snap at each other these days over silly things like loading the dishwasher - we’re both tired and stressed a lot of the time. Our love life is non existent.

Am totally disorganised and feel like I lurch from one hectic situation to the next and am never prepared. Had to make a mad dash to the shops this morning in torrential rain to buy a last minute birthday card for example.

Beating myself up as I constantly forget to give toddler the daily multivitamin they’re meant to have.

Just feel frazzled, ill and tired, on top of my usual anxiety and generally feeling miserable.

I did call the doctor about my anxiety last month but they had no appointments and asked me to ring back the following week. It took a lot of working myself up to call so I found that hard and didn’t call back.

I’m dreading getting through the rest of the day and can’t face another like this.

How can I improve my life?

No advice op as I'm in the exact same position but your not alone I'll be following this thread.

Knock the wine on the head either completely or just have a couple on one weekend evening.

You’ll be clearer headed to deal with life and I’d expect after a few weeks your anxiety will lessen dramatically, you’ll sleep much better and with that, have more energy during the day.

I get it, I love wine but too many/too often does take a massive toll on life.

Get sober. Knock it off completely.

It makes you feel like crap and effects not only you, but your partner and child the next day. You need to find something else to relax with/do in the evenings and you'll feel better and more energetic in the day and it'll be better for your DC.
Put your child first op before the wine.

It sounds like your trapped in a viscous circle, particularly with the wine. You have a few glasses to help you relax, but it makes the next day worse, which leads to another few glasses to relax. Alcohol is also terrible for exacerbating depression.

Could you start off with baby steps. Don’t drink for 2 nights. See if that helps at all.

Multivitamin- not really something to overly worry about, but it might help you feel like you are making progress if you can remember it. How about if you put it in the bathroom next to the toothbrushes to help you remember?

As for the clutter, usually that’s a symptom of depression as well as exacerbating it, but if you can manage then get some bin bags, set a timer for 30 minutes, and just bag up the clutter.

Got the Dr, could you write a note to say how you are feeling, and that phoning is difficult, then drop it off at the surgery? Or ask someone (DH?) to phone for you?

Slowly, slowly. A tiny step at a time.
Today, ignore most of the house. Ignore it. You can't do it now, so let it go.
Every time you get a 'beating myself up' thought, respond with 'No, I'm doing my best.'
Put some water in the fridge to chill, and make some ice if you can. Iced water will replace the alcohol and you won't notice. Especially if you have some sparkling water.
Give your attention to the toddler.
When it's supper time for you, send out for takeaway. Just this once.
When toddler sleeps (if!), get a shower, wash your hair, do whatever used to be your routine - eyebrows, nails etc.
If DH vacates the bed (and if you sleep in the same bed, don't bother otherwise) change the sheets so that you can be extra comfortable when you sleep.
If you get some sleep, you can get up and start some domestic stuff. Not so much. Focus on the kitchen and if you have time, the bathroom. Another day, kitchen and bathroom will be five-minute jobs, and you can focus on other rooms. Fly lady and all those people will tell you.
There. Another long answer from @Doing. People want to block me. I think they are able, and welcome, to ignore.

Ok I totally get the wine. Maybe limit it to weekends? Get some of the more pressing housework done in the evening like the washing, cleaning bathrooms and floors and then dust when you can. My mum always said never go upstairs empty handed, tidy as you go.
Get a great big bloody calendar and write everything on it.
Distract the toddler with tv or iPad to give you a little bit of down time.
And honestly, it really does get easier, I promise

It's hard, but do not drink. Don't sit down, tidy up your living room, have a cup of tea or something, then go to bed with a book. Don't even sit down in front of a movie, it will be harder to resist wine.

Then the following day tidy up your bedroom.

Then your kitchen

Do gradually over a few days. Don't drink.

Organise evenings when your partner can look after your child and you can go to they gym or a class or something,

You’re both absolutely right about the wine - I think it might be the root of all my other problems. I just really look forward to that treat in the evening.

Another thing I forgot to list is that I waste far too much time on my phone scrolling through random sites. I need to cut back massively, it’s a huge time drain.

@Babyg1995 and to you

Maybe delete the apps? I scroll aimlessly so I delete them every now and then for a couple of months. :) Also maybe try sholder? I can't spell it but it tastes like wine but isn't... it's a good substitute for now. Good luck OP you can do this and you'll be thanking yourself you did.

Baby steps, so you're not too overwhelmed. If you try to get organised in small ways you'll find that life does become somewhat easier and you become less frazzled. Otherwise it's just a vicious circle.

Ok so you've had to dash out to buy a birthday card, how about sitting down for half an hour with your calendar or diary and making a rough count of how many birthdays you have in an average year. Add a few more occasions like new baby, new home, get well soon.
Go to the Card Factory and buy the cards, while you're there get some plain wrapping paper too.
Have a specified box or place to keep it all, with scissors and sellotape. I bought an ottoman in Dunelm, £20, it all fits in there along with a few generic presents.
No last minute panic.

Missed the other replies - thanks very much for the advice. It definitely feels like a vicious circle that I need to get out of.

Toddler not interested in TV at all sadly but will look at an iPad for 10 minutes if I’m lucky.

@freshstart20211

You’re both absolutely right about the wine - I think it might be the root of all my other problems. I just really look forward to that treat in the evening.

Another thing I forgot to list is that I waste far too much time on my phone scrolling through random sites. I need to cut back massively, it’s a huge time drain.

@Babyg1995 and to you

I am a deinker and pretty chilled but even I can see that you need to not drink. It's affecting your life. Find something else to do and look forward like a face massage foe example.

Stay focused app for the phone issue

Plan! Write down what needs to be done then break it down into small chunks and do 2 every morning and 2 every afternoon. E g dust bedroom for 5 min while toddler naps.

Set app timers on social media. 20 mins per day or whatever.

Get a babysitter and go do something nourishing with DH.

Can you get a deep clean done to reset?

Write down worries - the things you can do something about is your to do list. The ones you can't are the ones to let be.

each time you go upstairs (to the loo or whatever) go in your bedroom and put two items of clothing in the wardrobe or in a drawer by the end of the week you will be able to see the difference , and as others have said cut down on the wine alchohol covers up the problem for a time but dosent solve the basic reason you are drinking , get into the habit of loading the dishwasher straight after dinner takes five minutes set it off and means in the morning you get up to clean dishes that just need putting away and wipe down the worktops makes the kitchen look tidier so more incentive to keep it that way, have a big box in the corner of the lounge and when toddler goes to bed lob all the toys in the box these are all little jobs on their own but make a home look tidier and give you a reason to keep it that way

I keep vitamins next to the kettle, first thing I do in the morning is make a cup of tea so it makes sense to have a vitamin at the same time.
While the kettle is boiling I unload the dishwasher, yes it's a boring job but I'm waiting for the kettle anyway. To unload the dishwasher of a morning means it's always put on last thing at night, that means never going to bed with dirty crockery left lying about. So I make sure that's one of the chores I do before I sit down and relax.
If I sat down first, with wine and Mumsnet, then I'd leave everything and end up cross later when the mess is still there.

It's all about getting into a routine, if things become a habit then they don't take as long because you're kind of on auto-pilot. Everything is easier with some music on or a podcast.

Op it’s so tough with a toddler - in the same boat here.

Somethings that have helped.

1. When I find a shop that does nice cards, I buy loads, for all occasions. Then, when a birthday or thank you comes up I just open that drawer. I keep stamps in my wallet to help with this too.
2. I am not a naturally tidy person at all. Mary Kondo has a show on Netflix and a book about tidying. It changed my life. The key thing was that everything needs a place to live. And that you should only keep things that take you happy. Over a few months I pruned every thing in the house, in a specific order - clothes, papers, books, kitchen and bath and then sentimental items. I’m still working on it but it helped a lot, both psychologically and practically as I have had to get tidier since having a kid.
3. DH - get structured. We have specific realms of tidying - eg he does all the laundry - I do all the putting clean clothes away. Can you sit down with the house tasks and share them out so less thought is required and you aren’t spread too thin? If you can afford it, her a cleaner in to help you blitz it once as it’s much easier from a tidy start, or a very anal friend! I have mates who LOVE sorting clothes or organising cupboards and I swap dinner for their help as I am not naturally good at this.

• Fly lady and the organised mum method are both meant to be good options for getting on top of housework.
• Have a look at some of the getting / staying sober threads on here. I was a heavy (borderline problem) drinker for a while; it messes with your sleep and mental health.
• Can you get the toddler out for some fresh air this afternoon?
• If you have an iPhone you can set screen time limits for different sites and apps. I have both Facebook and mumsnet limited to an hour a day to avoid endless scrolling.

I would add up your monthly wine spend and see if that would cover a cleaner: it might be easier to go cold turkey if every time you think “wine” you can go “or someone else to clean all this crap up, yay!”

For the phone, I slip back into this all the time. I find the Forest app helps stop me or at least show me how reliant I am on it. And rereading old favourite books reminded me how much I preferred reading to scrolling.

Toddler will survive without the vitamins.

For birthdays: a drawer in the house with a bulk order of cards, wrap, stamps. List of birthdays on the fridge. Big wall calendar. Lots of this stuff is about doing the job once, like the birthday list or the bulk buy of cards (once annually). It’s not about being especially organised after that initial action.

Thank you everyone, such helpful tips!

Have a look at some of the getting / staying sober threads on here.

Where can I find these threads? I think I need to join one.

When I drink ( two glasses of wine ) the next day is a wash out. I spend the day feeling tired and desperately waiting for bed time.
If you stop the drinking I’m sure the rest will get dealt with.

@freshstart20211

You’re both absolutely right about the wine - I think it might be the root of all my other problems. I just really look forward to that treat in the evening.

Another thing I forgot to list is that I waste far too much time on my phone scrolling through random sites. I need to cut back massively, it’s a huge time drain.

@Babyg1995 and to you

use your phone as a timer instead. Set it up for 20 minutes and don't stop until it rings. You'll be amazed at home much you achieve.

I’ve just got the Forest app, it looks really good. I was going to put off tackling my drinking until next week, but this thread has been the kick up the backside I needed to start from today. There’s no time like the present.

A few positive actions already: gave the kitchen a quick tidy and it looks much better. Started the dishwasher, emptied the bin. Feeling exhausted but am going to force myself to take the toddler out for a blast of fresh air.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4220600-The-Freedom-Thread-for-those-embracing-a-life-without-alcohol
This is one, but there are plenty of others in the alcohol support topic. x