To ask you how to be confident?

[pinkbubblebath]

I have always been a bit of a timid person outwardly.

I was the sort of little girl who got bossed around by far more outgoing sorts at school and never stood up for myself.

As an adult, once I get to know people I feel comfortable with I am more outgoing and chatty, and with family/my DH I don't have any problem sticking up for myself or voicing my opinions.

But at work, with my in-laws, with more vocal or confident friends or acquaintances I am a bit of a pushover and a people pleaser and find myself wishing I had the courage not to be.

I recently had a dc and now I suddenly feel like I don't want her to see this as an example. I want her to be confident and have all the courage I never did as a child/adult. I want her to look at me and think I'm brave and speak my mind. So I've been trying... but old habits die hard. It's like its such a long ingrained habit that I don't even notice I'm doing it until after the situation has passed and then I'm kicking myself.

Any tips or helpful suggestions gratefully received, there are a lot of strong women (and men) on here that I admire

sounds like you are on the right path already, and working on it. It won't be overnight, it will be a slow change.

Just fake it until it becomes natural.

And maybe reflect back on some situations in which you think you acted like a pushover and think about what you would like to do differently in a similar situation in the future.

Have a look at assertiveness training. There's lots around. Good luck.

Go into every negotiation knowing what you want and your walk away point.

What you say about ''kicking yourself'' - don't do that. Be purposefully very self-compassionate in your approach to yourself because it's proven to make you more resilient and more confident in time. But you have to start with self-compassion.

What would you say to a much loved friend who told you she was a bit timid and wanted to be a bit more confident? Make sure that whatever tape is running in your head mirrors that pep talk and not a more judgmental kind of talk.

I seem confident but when I'm challenged, ie, when a scapegoating covert bully tries to eject me and only me from a group while love bombing everybody else around us, I feel it very deeply. Not sure I'll ever have the confidence to hack that 100% though.

First of all before working on bravery, work on self-compassion and self-acceptance because althoguh to me it seemed like deliberately lowering the standards I'd held for myself to avoid sinking too far below the bar, it actually did make me more resilient. I've had a few rejections lately and just dealt with them like little mosquito bites, nothing too catastrophic at all.

I enjoyed listenig to both kirsten neff and chris germer's audibles about self-compassion on audible.

I'm going to work on bravery when I've finished the last one. I do want to be braver and more confident but only when I trust myself not to be ''kicking myself'' for holding back if I'd planned to step forward, ykwim?

Yes, agree with @PearlFriday - confidence goes hand in hand with resilience.

The most confident people I know can bounce back from failures quickly, take feedback constructively but trust their own minds.

@PearlFriday thank you that's really interesting about self compassion coming first, I'll look into it for sure

I always think “what’s the worst that can happen” and providing it’s not too bad, just go for it!!

It's what my psychotherapist told me. I went in to her about 18 months ago and said ''make me stronger, make me more confident and make me control my emotions better''.

I had resisted being compassionate to myself because I had seen that as a lowering of standards! and I felt I needed to push myself hard (and harder!) because I was far from a high achiever as it was...

It took a while for the penny to drop but the psychotherapist was right. A year + of focusing on self acceptance and self compassion and it turns out that I can handle the rejections much better. So because of that, I have applied for jobs left right and centre this year. I didn't used to feel able for that because each rejection would hit harder. So I held back on applying and taking those risks. But this year i've felt a lot stronger even though at first, I thought ''how is this going to help me''. To begin with when the psychotherapist would interrupt my self-pep talk, to ask me if I thought I was holding myself to a very high bar there, I would think ''how can going easy on myself help me?'' but it turns out she was right. As side effects of the self-compassion that I've been working on this last year, I finally feel that I have a bit more resilience and confidence.

Take a deep breath and pause before answering. Check internally if opening your mouth and saying, Yes, of course I will. No problem. (or similar) makes your heart sink.

If it does, pause, gather your thoughts and say instead, I'm afraid I won't be able to do that. Or even I'll have to check and come back to you on that. I may be busy.

Pausing, thinking and deciding whether you actually want to do this is really useful if you are a people pleaser and tend to automatically agree to tasks you don't really want to do.

Copy what confident people do. Take mental notes.

Remember that people are fundamentally self-absorbed and won’t be taking much notice of your behaviour. No-one except you is lying in wait, ready to police your level of confidence.

Fake it til you make it and all that jazz

Take small steps, when you say your a pushover say no to something you don’t want to do.

I used to overthink that and come up with some big speech/ text now I just say sorry I can’t as have plans

Be kind to yourself and start putting you first

Fake it till you make it!

Or... feel the fear and do it anyway

The other thing is don’t agree to anything straight away - stock answer ‘let me get back to you on that’ and the n have a think before you approach the subject again.

Or text me the details …. Gives you thinking time.

This is definitely a fake it until you make it situation.

I like to ask myself what a man would feel or say in my situation

Thanks so much for all the lovely responses, I have taken on board all your advice and am even more determined!

This is going to sound a bit odd, but try talking to yourself. You know those conversations where you wish you'd said something but you didn't? Practise them while you're on your own, in the car, the shower, and one day you will hear those ready made phrases slip out naturally when you need them to.

Also, try to think, what is the worst that can happen? That you upset someone and they don't like you? It's not the worst thing in the world.

Yup, I use the "would a man say yes to this" test too.
If the dudes aren't doing it, it's a clue that you shouldn't be doing it either.

Applies to:
Meetings
Staying late to tidying up
Running about last minute to solve other people's problems
Emotionalising feedback
Accepting terms on contracts that are stacked
Taking on a too-big workload
Allowing yourself to be talked over
Etc

I think it starts with accepting yourself for who you are. I'm a fairly quiet person and used to wish I was more vivacious. Then i realised there were some benefits to my personality: I'm thoughtful and considered in my aoorach to things, I dont jump in feet first, I rarely put my foot in it or upset people, I'm a good listener and take time to understand situations and people. Once I stopped feeling negative about myself and saw the strengths that were the flip side of my own perceived weaknesses, my confidence grew so much. I'm actually a very resilient and robust person and I always was really, I just misunderstood what 'confidence' was and was too busy berating myself when I shoukd have been trusting myself more.

Hi OP, I was also very shy and unsure of myself…suffered from imposter syndrome when I became a lawyer and was at a top firm. Always checking myself and fearful of saying or doing the eying thing. I took a good few years out of work. and had 4 kids. I didn’t notice any change in my confidence during my time at home but being a mum has clearly done something because I recently returned to work and found that I couldn’t care less what people think of me! I know I’m good at my job and a professional and feel no compunction in putting forward my views. Maybe it’s also just part of getting older…I feel I don’t have the time to really care anymore.

Thanks again everyone, all comments taken on board. Hope this is the start of something

I was a painfully shy child and teenager. I’m now an academic who teaches to hundreds of students. I wouldn’t call myself inherently confident but I can definitely fake it!

My DD8 is also a painfully shy child and I’m not stressing because I feel like making a thing about it (like my DM did) will make it worse. She will likely find her confidence over time like I did. I just tell her she’s amazing all the time and if I see an opportunity to push her outside of her comfort zone without her noticing then I go for it.