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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really want another baby... but sometimes can't stand even having one

25 replies

Lilycakes · 07/08/2021 04:06

Whats wrong with me? I have a 14 month old who I adore. And I really want another one. We have embryos on ice so we're thinking about having another.

But I'm so anxious as some times I just love being a mum, and other days I just miss who I used to be. Really have no idea how having two changes your life.

I am super wrecked with just one baby. Let alone two.

Husband also very reluctant to try again.

Should we try again? Any words of wisdom or caution?

OP posts:

ajja2021 · 07/08/2021 04:08

I would enjoy your 14 month old for a while longer.

midsummabreak · 07/08/2021 04:26

There is no right or wrong decision, only what is right for you and your husband.

Take the pressure away and delay the decision while you are both unsure.

Can you focus on seeing what you miss the most about the previous you that you were?

Do something kind for yourself today.

What self care things could you do to help you feel more nurtured as a person?

bluewanda · 07/08/2021 04:54

“Can’t stand” is a very strong statement. I would think seriously hard before having another if that is really how you feel. Especially as your husband is reluctant.

Lemonsandlemonade · 07/08/2021 05:47

As a an IVFer myself with embryo in freezer I couldn’t contemplate going through it if I wasn’t in right head space as it takes so much out of you (well it did for me ).

I would enjoy your 14 month old a little longer if you can.

Billandben444 · 07/08/2021 06:03

If you're both undecided it might help to sit down and have a practical talk about the future - jobs, where you live, lifestyle etc and that might help you decide whether to stick at one child or go for another. Delay the decision too long and having another may be disrupt your lives again with the first one at nursery and you getting some valuable me-time back. Perhaps decide with your heads and not your hearts? Good luck whatever you choose.

PurpleOkapi · 07/08/2021 06:08

Your DH doesn't want another, and half the time, neither do you. This should be an easy decision.

sofiegiraffe · 07/08/2021 06:12

“Can’t stand” is a very strong statement. I would think seriously hard before having another if that is really how you feel.

I agree with this - this choice of phrase really stood out for me from your title

TheGumption · 07/08/2021 06:24

Agree with pp. "Can't stand" is pretty extreme.

HealthKick2021 · 07/08/2021 06:39

I found going from 0-1 the hardest thing ever but 1-2 a lot easier. Number 2 just slotted in with our routine.

Whatamuddleduck · 07/08/2021 06:54

I have a 3 year old via IVF and am now expecting our second (frozen embryo). I felt a real pressure when DD was about 18 months to try again. To the degree that I had a real argument with the clinic about trying whilst breast feeding. I think it was my hormones deciding I was physically ready for another baby!
I’m glad I waited now. There is so much pressure with IVF and it isn’t like you can just try to be relaxed and see what happens.
Only you will know if there is a right time to try again and when that is but if you have doubts maybe wait. The frozen embryo isn’t getting any older and so there isn’t necessarily the time pressure to worry about.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 07/08/2021 06:55

Doesn't sound like you are ready. It is only now that DS is 5 that I am ready, sometimes it takes time.

Twotinydictators · 07/08/2021 06:57

Your DH doesn't want another, and half the time, neither do you. This should be an easy decision.

Agree with this. Everyone's experience is obviously different by my first child is sweet natured and cooperative and I enjoyed being a mum. The second is (very loved but) much harder work and I have enjoyed parenting less. If you are not sure atm, I'd definitely say wait. The instinct to reproduce can be very strong but the decision is obviously irreversible!

Blippibloppi · 07/08/2021 06:57

Couldn't have even considered it at 14 months but was set on another by 2yo.

Blueskyemily · 07/08/2021 06:59

14 months is still really young. We didn't properly consider it until DD1 was 2.5. I'd say wait a little longer and see how you feel then.

BuffyFanForever · 07/08/2021 07:15

I’m in same position but mine are younger. Have heard many friends say that getting the baby stage out of the way makes the following years nicer. It’s also nice not to have a massive gap in ages between the children. However having a frosty takes the time crunch for you personally away which helps. IVF is such an immensely stressful situation that perhaps you want it over with and having that embryo transfer at least finishes it off and stops having it hanging over you? Take a breath and have a think. Wishing you all the best x

ehgust · 07/08/2021 07:46

@HealthKick2021

I found going from 0-1 the hardest thing ever but 1-2 a lot easier. Number 2 just slotted in with our routine.

See I heard this a lot, I felt similar (ish) to you OP. Loved my first but sometimes hated being a parent and couldn't for example wait to get back to work after my year off and have a bit of myself back again. But everyone said going from 1-2 is so easy, they just fit right in and going from 0-1 is much harder. This was completely wrong for me. 1-2 was really hard, where I enjoyed my Mat leave most of the time with number 1 (as I actually had plenty of time to do things once we were out of the newborn stage and I was only trying to keep 1 child happy) my Mat leave with number 2 was really hard work. Despite number 2 being a much easier baby in some respects. The juggling act of keeping two kids happy whilst trying to survive on not much sleep left me with severe insomnia and PND. None of which I had with my first. This was despite number 1 still spending some time in nursery and having a very supportive and helpful husband. Ultimately I just wasn't in the right headspace for it.

Rosiiiiie · 07/08/2021 07:50

I’d give it more time. 14 months is so young and you might just not be a fan of the baby stage. You might change your mind and start to really enjoy parenting once it gets older 😊

CurlyWurlyTwos · 07/08/2021 08:01

That’s the nice thing about having embryos on ice! You can afford to wait, you don’t have to worry about your ageing eggs - they are already in the freezer.

I have 3 waiting for when I’m ready, I feel no pressure at the moment!

I am older (38) but feeling good that I wait for my 37 year old embryos to go back when I’m 40 if I like!

Then only still pregnant, not even had baby yet! Planning on having two, this worked on 3rd attempt, so assuming it’ll take all 3 to work again!

Needapoodle · 07/08/2021 08:04

What's the rush? Do you feel like you have to use the frozen embryo?

MinnieMountain · 07/08/2021 08:11

Having 2 is not compulsory. You can change your mind.

Janaih · 07/08/2021 08:13

Everyone I know with 2 seems very stressed all the time. And many posts on here about how hard it is coping with 2 especially in holidays. So I'm sticking with one.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 07/08/2021 08:14

Why not just give it some time? 14 months is still really young.

DisappointingAvocado · 07/08/2021 08:20

I agree with above poster who found 1-2 very hard work. It was easier in some ways - I didn't feel any of the anxiety of having a first baby and having to keep them alive etc - it was just constant bloody hard work with no break. Lockdown hit when #2 was 3 month's which obviously didn't help. My age gap was 23 months and we thought having a smaller gap would pay off in the long run but to be honest I'm still waiting for that. It's exhausting trying to balance everyone's needs and sometimes with two you have to accept that it's literally impossible to meet them, and respond to who cries the loudest. So I wouldn't go into it unless you are sure. I'm glad I had my two when I did but it's been harder than I imagined.

Hardbackwriter · 07/08/2021 08:35

My youngest is only 6 months so it's still early days for us, but I've loved going from 1-2 (and I found 0-1 very hard) but we have a bigger gap - DS1 was 2.5 when DS2 was born, and I'd started trying in the assumption it would take longer than it did so that was the minimum gap I'd consider. I've seen friends with 2 under 2 and although I've heard all the stuff about how it pays off longer term I wouldn't have wanted to cope with the early days of that.

Oogachuckachopsy · 07/08/2021 08:55

It’s moot all the time your H doesn’t want to.

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