Go back to work earlier than planned

[SS1983]

I have 6 month old twins who I adore. However, I am exhausted and feeling so down. A lot
of this is due to anxiety I have over one of my twins (lack of eye contact, passive etc and such comments too) that I am constantly watching and almost testing.

I’m really struggling everyday to enjoy my maternity leave and I adore them with all my heart. I’m due to go back to work after a year , but considering going back earlier as I feel going back will actually allow me to enjoy my babies more (as silly as that sounds) rather than constantly watching for things and the worry it causes me. Having twins means I really can’t leave them with anyone and getting to classes etc is difficult so I really don’t get out much.

AIBU to return to work a couple months earlier. I’ve also considered keeping the year and sending them to nursery for one or two half sessions staring a couple months before I go back to work AIBU here too

YANBU to return to work earlier or put them in nursery.

YANBU at all. Do what works best for you.

I think you should address your anxieties rather than using work to hide from them. You deserve to be able to enjoy your babies and enjoy your time with them.

Have you voiced your concerns? Do you feel listened to? Are you generally anxious? It is normal to worry about your children , everyone does but PND can heighten anxiety to a point where it is unhealthy. So maybe discuss with your midwife.

I can imagine twins is exhausting so well done for being a fab and attentive mum.

YANBU if you want to return to work because you are ready not to be a SAHM and it is a healthy choice. YABU if you are doing so to combat anxiety, it wont work.

Thank you, that is really helpful and supportive to read

@LEMtheoriginal thank you, you are right, and I am taking steps to talk to someone. I would say I am a worrier, but generally pre pregnancy was not overly anxious. Pregnancy made me a lot more anxious... my pregnancy wasn't smooth as such with things coming up in my 3 month scan, what felt like a long wait for the 20 week scan to get more clarity, and other things coming up near the end. I ended up giving birth 6 weeks early (which was fine) and was in hospital for 11 nights with the twins - I found this really tough, and then just being home with such tiny babies was hard for me. I don't think I have had any harder experience than a lot of other ladies of course, just wanted to give some background.

I really don't want to go back to work to combat anxiety, although I can see why it looks like that. I realise I do need to talk about that. But I admit I am not ready to be a SAHM and maybe 10 months is enough for me to get back to work and some routine. I do feel that keeping busy with work vs being at home with the twins all day would help me enjoy them more rather than just watching for things which might or might not be there. But generally, just not being able to get out much is making it hard for me.

YANBU at all. Have no guilt.
Being a parent means you need to make sure your babies are loved, cared for, and provided for. How that is best achieved is down to you, it doesn’t have to be you doing it all.
Do you have to go back full time straight away? As an early but slow return might help you.
Putting them into nursery for a few sessions before you go back to work is a good idea to get them used to it and also to build immune system up (typically they will get a lot of colds/random bugs when they first start nursery) though remember a lot of nurseries have a minimum number of sessions a week.

You don’t mention a father/other parent. Are they on the scene/do they help? With 2 of you getting out should be much easier. And even a half hour walk alone at a weekend can help a lot to reset - are you getting that? (And if not start insisting that you do!)

@newmumwithquestions i really appreciate your kind message. I do feel guilty especially when I speak to other NCT mums etc

I have a husband , and he is wonderful. I’m very lucky in that respect. He has been working from home, but needs to go back to the office soon , and he should go. He tries his best to pop out and help me, see the babies etc , but his job is demanding so I can’t expect too much. He makes effort to take them out on their own for walks and take us all out on weekends. I really can’t complain. It’s more that I am struggling myself even with the support i do have. I also struggle to leave the twins with anyone on their own for longer periods .. my husband or parents as not sure they can cope , which is understandable

I plan to go back to work for 4 days a week for the first year, and atleast one day wfh. I work for a large company and they are supportive, but sometimes doing 3 days a week doesn’t work out well financially and you end up staying late on the days you are at work.

The nursery have said they can offer me 2 or 3 half or full day sessions for the periods I require. I wanted to do 2 half sessions and then maybe build up to full time a few weeks before I go back to work so they are used to it and can settle whilst I am still around at home.

My mum went back to work early after having me 😄. A good friend came back to work after 3 months because she was going insane at home alone with a baby (her words).

YANBU to do the best thing for you all, which in this case may well be going back to work. Perfectly reasonable.

Yanbu at all if that’s what you want but I would say that I hated the first six months of maternity. It was awful. But months six to nine everything changed and I actually wound up taking a year (had originally planned to take 9 months as on stat mat pay) because I was loving it so much by the 8 month mark! I think my DD just hated being a baby, once she could move and was eating she was much happier and a joy to be around, really. Prior to that she was the grumpiest baby, no wonder I hated it so much

Maternity leave isn’t for everyone and I can’t imagine how hard it is with twins, but the final 3 months of my maternity year were such a joy, they didn’t compare at all to the first six months. So things may change.

I've got twins, I skipped into work after my mat leave finished and I would have gone back earlier if I could have. The first year is just Groundhog Day with very little reward. I always say I wish I could have taken my mat leave when they turned two instead.

Going back to work made me a better parent, I enjoyed the time with them rather than resenting it.

My twins are teenagers now but I remember the early days where leaving the house was a job in itself and all the lovely baby groups are near on impossible, it’s lonely. If you can I’d really recommend starting them in nursery for 2 half days and taking the year. This will give you some reassurance as you will see them interact with other children snd will also give you some time to just be you

I went back to work when mine were 4 months and 5.5 months. I am a far better parent for not spending all day every day with my kids. Do whatever works for you!

I really appreciate the responses here and am so pleasantly surprised that other ladies understand and can relate as opposed to any mum guilt

I really do feel like I will be a better parent if I am not with them 24 / 7. I really don’t have the maternity leave that I see others have especially in my NCT group of going to fun classes etc as it’s just sometimes so hard trying to get out and manage 2.

It’s really helpful to see other twin mums here who felt somewhat the same to me about looking forward to going back to work !

I’m definitely considering the other option of starting them in nursery 2 days a week and then building up before I go back to work and keeping my mat leave

Had a bad evening with the twins with my son waking up screaming after an hour of putting him down - it made me so sad to see him so scared. Not sure why he is doing this :(

It was a welcome surprise to read the supportive responses this evening after that