My BF of 18 months is in a band, and his ex of several years is in same band (they split in 2018).
During our early weekends together she would ring literally every day I was with him – sometimes when he wasn’t in the room so I’d have to awkwardly holler that she's calling, again.
After pointing out that this was annoying, he thankfully ensured it stopped. He later moved into mine just after first lockdown began, when I discovered he was having sneaky calls with her while walking round the block, + lied about doing so when caught bc didn’t want "to hurt my feelings”.
I resolved that it all would be less of an issue if I could just meet her, which he agreed to. Few weeks later he says he's driving to hers 70 miles away in London to collect some of his stuff, but I can't come for a quick meet-and-greet as it “would make her sad”. Few months later he invites her to my house and town, to take her out for the day as her mum was badly ill. Again, I'm not allowed to join them at any point, as “it’s not a good time for her” - never mind my own mum had died a few years ago so I’d have been well placed to offer some support/advice.
6 months later, when another obvs opportunity isn't given to me (he spending another day at hers and I'd be out with friends just down the road) - by then, after 17 months, the ship had sailed in my eyes, and I was no longer interested in meeting.
Final straw: she's a permanent presence on his FB, liking/commenting on most his posts, and one night I noticed she’d responded with such speed that I mentioned to BF it’s as if his profile was permanently open on her screen, + she never responds to my posts tagging him in, even if it's about his band, which she'd definitely see as his other friends & another bandmate do. BF immediately defends her, saying what can he do, and that I should just get over it.
So...AIBU? We are compatible in many other ways, and our relationship's mostly been great, but the ex situation is inescapable..