Disappointed by my mother for not helping me. AIBU?

[Samafe]

So, let's start with 3 notes:

• English is not my mother language, sorry for any typo :)
• My mother is high risk population for Covid but she is now double jabbed, and me and my husband as well. 2yo son is not.
• We live ca. 2 hours far away

Covid hit my mother very very hard from the psychological POW. My mother has some previous unresolved psyc. issues but always refused psychotherapy, and Covid was really bad for her mental health.
My mom is 62 y/o and recently retired. She is active, mobile and with a modern mentality (at least before covid)
I have a 2y/o son and currently pregnant with DD in my third trimester.
For a series of reasons, I needed help and support few times in the last months, and she used covid as the reason why she could not help me, always in a very vague way like "oh, I would love to help you, but you know, it's a difficult time with covid…."
I needed to spend few days in bed at the beginning of my pregnancy due to an injury, she did not even bother come visit once. "Covid makes things difficult".
I got very sick last week, and even after testing myself with PCR test 3 times, she claimed that maybe the test was not accurate and she preferred not to put herself at risk, even after I cried on the phone telling her I desperately needed help (and I am the type of person that always says "no no, I got it").
On the phone she said she was heartbroken because she could not help me, even if she wanted to do it so badly. (FYI, tomorrow she leaves for the seaside, which is 6 hours away from her).
This was the last drop...I feel selfish because I understand covid is a big deal for her, but I am honestly starting to feel disappointment and resentment toward her.
There are many ways to support a person, and if she would "balance out" the lack of in-person support with another type of support (e.g. sending me cards or organizing grocery delivers or whatever) I would maybe feel better, but the only thing I keep hearing is "If only I could help you I would do it". Last time she visited me was Aug2020. In the meantime I visited her a little bit less than once a month.

AIBU for feeling resentment? Should I try to understand more her side? Do you have any suggestion how to deal with this?

Thanks a lot!

I don’t think you’re being unfair on your mother, at all.
I also do not understand Mumsnets belief that being a decent parent stops at 18.
In the scenario you describe my mother would be there without question. So would my MiL for that matter.
I do agree that caring for your family is primarily your partners responsibility BUT my DH works 10 hours a day and if he doesn’t we can’t afford our house, our car or food. How is he supposed to do both?
If your mum is fit and well and apparently ok to go on holiday then it’s hurtful that she can’t find it in her to come and help out for a couple of days.
I completely understand why you’re upset and feeling let down.
Getting out of her house and coming to see you and her grandchild might actually be good for her mental health.

@Gooseberrypies

Why do people have kids just to completely fuck them off once they're an adult disgusting if you ask me

why do people have children and expect their parents to look after them?

She isn't expecting her mum to look after her kids. She needs some help, temporarily, not least because she has been unwell. It's not an unreasonable expectation that a newly retired parent, who can go on holiday, would want to help her own child.

YABU. At 62, your mother is more vulnerable to a severe dose of C-19, than you or your husband. And it's 2 hours for her to travel. Where is your DH in all of this?

COVID has been difficult for everyone - and we are all emerging to a different kind of new 'normal' at different speeds.

I don't think you can suddenly demand that your mother set aside her concerns, just like that.

Are people deliberately ignoring the fact that her mum is happy to go away, a 6 hour journey, on holiday???
If she’s capable of this why not a 2 hour trip to help out a poorly daughter??

@Smartiepants79

Are people deliberately ignoring the fact that her mum is happy to go away, a 6 hour journey, on holiday??? If she’s capable of this why not a 2 hour trip to help out a poorly daughter??

because she doesn't want to, because it is her right to say no, because it is a MASSSASSSSIIIIVVVEEE ask, to take on two children that are not hers, aged 6 and 3 and one has special needs. That is not something trivial, that is not something to be guilted in to. She does not automatically acquire the knowledge, skill, motivation, desire and vocation to do it with the title "Grandmother" you know

But she does acquire the knowledge, skill, motivation and desire to support her daughter with the title ‘mother’.
In a loving, mutually supportive relationship this kind of help is what families do for each other.

It’s her right to be unhelpful, but really sad and a real loss for her.
Of course most reasonable parents would help. I can’t imagine most parents not moving the earth to try and provide support. We do it for their dogs, let alone any future grandchildren.

Do you have anyone else who could help? An aunt, a mother in law, a neighbour? What is happening when you go into labour?

I think it’s very sad that your mother either can’t or won’t help you.

Mumsnet has a weird kind of hive mind attitude that no mother of small children should ask for help from their own parents, ever, but of course in real life families who love each other usually go out of their way to help each other when needed. So it feels hurtful if you don’t get the help you’re desperate for from your own mother.

I think all you can do is either accept she’s not up for helping and stop asking (but remember when she asks you for something....), or you have an honest conversation with her where you spell out how hurt you are that she can travel for 6 hours for a holiday yet chooses to leave you floundering when you’re desperate for help. Of course, this risks offending her, but then at the moment it’s you who’s offended and she seems ok with that.....

I think yabu. Where is your dh in all of this? Your being ill or having a difficult pregnancy was always a possibility so your dh should be stepping up first and foremost. Whether he work or works long hours for example would not be an excuse, he could take leave, paid or unpaid to support you. If you can't afford that then can you really afford another child? You could use a babysitter to get a few hours rest from your 2 year old. Do you have any friends nearby that could help? What about getting some ready meals so cooking isn't an issue. You could consider a cleaner to help out.

Your mother is 62, so not young by any means but not ancient either. It really depends on how she feels and whether she would be capable of taking on your 2 year old, cooking and cleaning for you so you can rest. As for ordering your groceries online I don't see why you can't do that yourself, even on strict bedrest I managed too.

What I do find difficult to understand is not reaching out to your own child when they have asked for help no matter how old they are. My mum lives further away from me and if I asked for help would always give it and vice versa. I hope I would do the same for my own children. Yanbu to be upset that she didn't help you when you asked and I can understand you not wanting to be there for her potentially if she needed you. She has sent a message loud and clear that she cannot be relied upon. It is a shame really.

@Smartiepants79

But she does acquire the knowledge, skill, motivation and desire to support her daughter with the title ‘mother’. In a loving, mutually supportive relationship this kind of help is what families do for each other.

for the first 21 years or so. Until they are an adult.

I would feel disappointed, dejected and rejected too.
I am not that much younger than her, but I would be there in a shot for my DDs, for much less.
But it does sound like her mental health isn’t great. I think I would just stop asking her for help. She won’t help and you will just feel terrible to be turned down.
Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy!
I had 2 under 2 with no help as we moved country. Consider getting some paid help to help with the children if finances allow.

@Menora

You have a husband, it is not your mothers job to care for you now you are adult. I agree it’s not nice feeling this way but it is the way it is. If you need support with your kids or health your husband should meet those needs

Exactly this. Your mother did not ask you to have children

for the first 21 years or so. Until they are an adult.

Not in my family. We help each other. Because we care about each other and it would feel mean to ignore somebody we love who's in need.

I help my parents when they need help and I'm able to, and they help me when I need help and they can. I remember as a child my grandparents would help when something big needed doing - my grandad would help my dad to decorate or move heavy things, my grandmother came and stayed to look after us when my mum had an operation, etc. On top of baby-sitting and taking us on holiday.

I'm not the only one - I know others who help their adult kids and vice versa.

I had no idea it was so common for people to be so unhelpful and stingy with their loved ones till I joined MN!

6 hours travel to go on holiday, when you can do what you want when you get there; you might not have to cook, you won't be cleaning or doing childcare, can crash in the afternoon, sleep late etc, versus 2 hours travel to then deal with someone else's household, so laundry, cooking, cleaning, childcare, grocery shopping, ironing etc. I know which I would choose in my 60s.

I get really tired after working a full day at 55. Add another 7 years to that of aches and pains and the picture looks different.

Dear all, thanks for your messages! It is helping me put a little bit of perspective.

I saw a recurrent theme in your messages, that it is my DH responsibility to help.
I am very lucky and I have a supportive husband and MIL. I receive a ton of help from them.
My husband took unpaid leave during my injury.
What happened last week was unfortunately bad timing.
I got sick while my husband had to attend a series of mandatory trainings he could not skip. SIL little one had surgery, MIL was helping SIL. Daycare closed for summer break. Neighbor and "go to" baby sitter on holiday. Overall just bad bad timing. My husband was doing everything he possibly could - but he had to be away for work during the day.
I had to take some additional medical tests to understand if the virus was impacting organs and baby, the only thing I needed was for my mother to sit next to my kid while I was away during the day for medical tests. I would have been fine with them watching TV all day long if needed.

I will never ask my mother to raise my kids, or to clean or cook for me because I know already is not her forte and not her responsibility.
Mine was a temporary request, 3 days top, with nothing to do a part from sitting with my kid while I was at the hospital.

I solved the situation with the help of a friend and of a colleague, who both took time off to help me.

Reading your comments I understood what is the real deal for me.
If she would just say "look, I am finally retired, you have your life, time for me to enjoy mine" I would understand, and not ask her for help because I know where she stands.

But this is not what she says. She says "you can call me anytime, I will jump on the car for you" "I am so heartbroken I cannot help you" " I would love to be there with you" "next time please call me and I will be there", and this never ending cycle of promising and then refusing is what is really making me sad.

Thank you for your word, I guess the only way to go is to just consider that she will not help and I cannot have her even as last resort.

Dear all, thanks for your messages! It is helping me put a little bit of perspective.

I saw a recurrent theme in your messages, that it is my DH responsibility to help.
I am very lucky and I have a supportive husband and MIL. I receive a ton of help from them.
My husband took unpaid leave during my injury.
What happened last week was unfortunately bad timing.
I got sick while my husband had to attend a series of mandatory trainings he could not skip. SIL little one had surgery, MIL was helping SIL. Daycare closed for summer break. Neighbor and "go to" baby sitter on holiday. Overall just bad bad timing. My husband was doing everything he possibly could - but he had to be away for work during the day.
I had to take some additional medical tests to understand if the virus was impacting organs and baby, the only thing I needed was for my mother to sit next to my kid while I was away during the day for medical tests. I would have been fine with them watching TV all day long if needed.

I will never ask my mother to raise my kids, or to clean or cook for me because I know already is not her forte and not her responsibility.
Mine was a temporary request, 3 days top, with nothing to do a part from sitting with my kid while I was at the hospital.

I solved the situation with the help of a friend and of a colleague, who both took time off to help me.

Reading your comments I understood what is the real deal for me.
If she would just say "look, I am finally retired, you have your life, time for me to enjoy mine" I would understand, and not ask her for help because I know where she stands.

But this is not what she says. She says "you can call me anytime, I will jump on the car for you" "I am so heartbroken I cannot help you" " I would love to be there with you" "next time please call me and I will be there", and this never ending cycle of promising and then refusing is what is really making me sad.

Thank you for your word, I guess the only way to go is to just consider that she will not help and I cannot have her even as last resort.

I think that's very sensible. I haven't got very available/helpful parents/PIL either. They're OK and the closer ones do do the odd day of childcare, but they have their own lives and commitments. PIL have lost a lot of confidence over Covid. They listened to so much scary news and it really panicked them. Looking after really little DC is also a skill set that people lose quite fast. The idea of nappies etc panics them!

I don't think any of my relatives would have done 3 days at short notice (I would do it but.it would be tricky with work). For a genuine emergency like this one I'd ask a friend, as you did. I could also pay them back in kind at some point so it'd sit better with me. Emergencies definitely show you who your real friends are!

Once the emergency is over, you would be well advised as well to look for childcare that runs year round and/or holiday clubs rather than term-time only. Try not to compare yourself to friends who have family that can drop everything at a moment's notice. Everyone's different.

I think it's really sad that she wouldn't help you under those circumstances.
I would remember that if she ever needs help.

Speaking from experience, there may be additional things going on with your mother that you are not aware of. She may genuinely want to help, but for whatever reason not be able to.

A while back, our FIL was helping us organising/managing a major house project. He is super knowledgable, great contacts, experience in this area. He lived 90 mins away, his help gradually dropped off, it caused a lot of problems for us, but since then we found out that he was undergoing medical tests, investigation, treatments. He did not want us to worry and add to our stress. Thankfully everything looks positive.

Many years ago when I moved back to our home city with three young kids, I was hoping/expecting some support from DSis, since I'd helped her a lot in college days. Even though we were 15 mins walk away, she almost never stopped by, never engaged or helped with kids. I was disappointed, and at times a little upset. It turned out she had been a victim of stranger rape, there was police investigation, medical follow up, counselling, etc. She only told the rest of the family about it a few months later.

Hopefully there are not behind the scenes issues, but you never know.

this never ending cycle of promising and then refusing is what is really making me sad

Your post is contradictory. You say you’ve lots of help and it was this one off issue but then say it’s a never ending cycle which makes it sound like you’re constantly asking her to take your kid. Which is it?

I don't think YABU to be disappointed in your Mum. On another current thread the consensus seems to be that it's unreasonable to expect an older grandparent to provide regular child care but that most grandparents would be supportive in an emergency.
When I read that your Mum had travelled 6 hours for a holiday but would not travel to you it was clear to me that YANBU.
I agree with the comments that caring for your children doesn't stop when theyare 21. It's foras long as you can.
It's wrong to expect more of a grandparent than they can manage but in this case YANBU

Op I am sixteen years into accepting that my parents are just not interested.

My best advice to you is get some serious hired help in if you need it, start researching a good, reliable and kind childcare option and ensure your dh is stepping up when needed. You need to protect yourself with plan A, B and C when you are ill/injured or in need of a break because it looks to me like your mother has no intention of being involved with your life or your children's life and does not want to help. Covid will morph into another excuse at some point.

It is far better to accept this as fact than to feel sad and resentful. It is disappointing when the people that are supposed to love and support us do not seem to care, but we can not force others to help or insist they care. It is your mother's choice.

But it is also your choice after years of being ignored whether you choose to having a loving and close relationship with her, or whether you choose something else. It is your choice whether you actually respect and indeed like a person that does not respond to their own children with love and care. It is your choice going forward how much time you spend with her. My parents were only interested in the 'fun' parts. The christenings, the parties and the good times, when someone was ill/in hospital or otherwise in need they were nowhere to be seen.

It is a shock when you realise your own parents are quite selfish, but you get used to it.

Your mother may change once she feels better about covid, maybe she is really scared, but if she doesn't I suggest you build a solid network so that you never need to ask her. You are then free to live life comfortably with the security of help that you do not need to beg for.

If a person has offered help in the past, and actually not delivered on the offer of help, then it's a pattern and YABU to expect them to help now. Their behaviour won't change.

However, if you did receive dependable help in the past, but not now, then it is possible that their circumstances have changed. I'd always dropped around to DFs to bring coffee and scone on early Sat morning, and do some tidy up around the house. But I don't recently, change in routine with partner means I'm never up before noon on Sat

What was her reason for not coming to help you? Was it valid?