Am I just an ungrateful cow?

[LearningToDo]

I don't know how to feel about this or whether I'm just being horribly ungrateful as I know it's not the worst thing out there.

My husband owns a successful business. He has worked really hard and I'm really proud of what he's achieved. This has also given me the opportunity to spend lots of time with our DC and have a very part time job of a few mornings a week.

The thing is, I feel like my husband talks about nothing but work. It dominates every single aspect of our life. I can handle the working late or working weekends but even when he's here it's all he talks about. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that didn't somehow turn into something about his business. He's always showing me things that he's doing, bringing new projects home for me to look at etc.. and whilst I know he's proud of what he's doing and I am proud of him as well, sometimes I just feel like saying 'I don't care right now can we just talk about something else!?'

It saddens me sometimes that our DC will be laughing and playing and instead of engaging he'll be looking at something work related on his phone or similar. A lot of the time it's not even necessary, he just likes looking at the stuff they've done that day.

I feel so ungrateful. All of my friends and family tell me how lucky I am. He is kind and good around the house, he is never tight with his money or anything like that and, when he does stop for a minute, is good with DC who adore him too.

But I don't know ... I love him so much but sometimes I just wish we could go back to before he started this when we used to have actual conversations and spend quality time together.

He can have animated and engaged conversation about his work 24/7, but try and talk about anything else and whilst he will feign interest, you can just tell he isn't present.

I am just regularly going out now to see family and friends, because it's the only time I get to actually speak to another adult about something that doesn't involve work. I feel really sad that I just don't find time spent with my husband enjoyable anymore.

Oh love, you're not being ungrateful. To be honest, this'd frustrate me too - your DH's kind of single-minded thinking is really wearing after a while.

It's the same regarding anyone with an obsession that you don't share, but when it's a work-related obsession (particularly when it's a business they've started up!), you feel bad for being bored of it because they're bringing money in, and are generally good partners in other ways.

I really wish I had some constructive advice, but I empathise totally.

Tell how you feel.If he doesn't know,he can't change.Go in gently though I've a feeling you'll hurt his feelings otherwise.
Can you start some interests together?a dance class?a sport or club?so he takes a break from work and you have a shared interest to discuss.
When you do talk to him,have something constructive you can suggest,as above.
💐🌈good luck

sometimes I just feel like saying 'I don't care right now can we just talk about something else!?'

YANBU, but have you actually talked to him about it? Tell him!

Or why not say sometimes, when you're out for a meal for example, that no talking about work or kids?

It sounds like he doesn’t have a life outside work. That’s increasingly common in these Covid times when people are still scared to socialise and some hobbies are still closed. He needs to get out a bit.

You aren’t being ungrateful. You are simply showing a nice characteristic, which is that you are less interested in his job, money and success and more interested in deeper chats, quality time together and having him present in the moment with you.

He sounds great in other ways though, so it sounds like it will be easy to fix with some very pointed communication, Does he know how much he does it? He might not even realise! Perhaps you could have a rule of ‘no work talk’ over dinner / past a certain time in the evening etc? The problem with crashing bores is that they think everyone is as interested as they are and they’ll just go on endlessly unless they are kept in check.

I've no advice but my husband is similar about his business. I'm so incredibly proud of him but I wish he'd have more time for "us".

It's good that he loves what he does. Much better than slaving away in a job you're not enthusiastic about.

I specialise in a couple of areas I'm very passionate about, and would be passionate about even if I wasn't lucky enough to earn a living through them, and I can get very, very nerdy about them and talk fairly endlessly about them. However I'm mindful that I don't want to lose my all-round chat (and DP is quick to point out when I've rabbited on about nothing else for an hour).

I think in your position I'd try to use a bit of humour to change things - gently take the piss about your husband's chat getting a bit one-note. But also have your own topics of conversation ready to go - talk about what's in the news, what your friends are up to, what films/TV you want to see, ask him about these things. Chat isn't something you passively receive, you can steer it where you want it to go.

Thank you! Feeling less horrid!

He's never been much of a go outer or into socialising. That's always been his personality really so I highly doubt I'd be able to get him doing a hobby with me or anything like that but I'd have said the same before all this too! But more outings just us or us and the DC would be nice, we used to do that more. He's very tired nowadays which I appreciate but I know we end up a little neglected (of his time) as a family sometimes because of this. I don't know what the right balance is, allowing him to rest from work but also wanting him to spend some quality time with us sometimes.

I think PP is right, I'm worried about hurting his feelings. I know it sounds ridiculous because he's obviously an adult but it feels like a kid bringing you something they've made and you saying you're not bothered if that makes sense 🤦‍♀️ he's so proud of everything he does and I am too but that means he has a tendency to think everyone else wants to hear about and see it over and over again.

He has actually said it himself before in passing conversation, that he thinks I'll probably end up bored of him because all he talks about is work. I assure him it's not like that but that I would enjoy some more time together not work focused but it doesn't really change.

I can't get past the fact you have called yourself a cow.

Fgs please don't.

Something to do with health and fitness would be a good 'hobby'. I have found that it sort of becomes a necessity rather than an opt-in pleasure as my OH and I have aged. Hips don't lie and we're currently trying to get our weight down and our muscles back on track to stop the hip stiffness. Could that be something you suggest? Maybe you want to focus a bit on your own fitness and would appreciate his support and so go to badminton sessions, or yoga, or book a tennis court...
Not sure if it's just my OH, but talking about things has never, ever fixed them long-term. He's a lovely man, but it has always taken decisive moves like, for example, booking canoeing sessions, to get him away from his working environment. I'd also not want to hurt his feelings, so I've found sneaky little ways to pull him out of himself over the years.
Good luck, OP - he sounds lovely and you just need to find a way of managing him!

@stepupandbecounted

I can't get past the fact you have called yourself a cow.

Fgs please don't.

better than calling yourself a twat. (which caused a poster to get banned once, for calling HERSELF a twat. ) Classic.

Just ask him to pick a few days to take off. No "if", no "can't", he must pick them.

If he was in hospital, you were in hospital, he was in a meeting, he wouldn't be anything else anyway, so everybody CAN take time off work!

And tell him that your outing must be work-free.. He can at least try to find something else to speak about, and it's much easier when you are actually travelling, visiting some place...

Of course you're not being unreasonable, its understandable that if he works hard and it's a big part of his life that he wants to talk about it but if that's literally all he talks about then that's actually quite rude, why should his interests take priority.

I'd speak to him but less along the lines of 'I think you're boring' but either 'do you think I'm boring, as you appear disinterested in talking about any of my interests or in general conversation with me' or 'I'm worried about your mental and physical health when you concentrate so much on work and I'm not sure continuing it into the evenings and weekends is going to be good for you long term, everyone needs a break even from things we love so shall we have a no work on Sundays or 2 evenings a week etc rule'

I think twats are infinitely more interesting than cows personally eighty

We've long had house rules about work talk - mainly because we both often need to offload.

1 - when we are both home we spend 20 minutes in the Moan Zone, usually outside with a bottle of beer.

2 - inside the house no work concersations are allowed

3 - Phones get put somewhere else after 6pm (my mistake my official hours end at 6.30!)

4 - there are no exceptions unless you declare important stuff in the Moan Zone - like he is waiting for confirmation of hotels r I have a landlord needing to talk to me

5 - the exceptions take place somewhere else. The living room is never used for work.

We've had a version of this in place for over 20 years and it works well, if you both honestly commit to it.

I’ve said YABU if you’ve not spoken to him about this. About how it makes you feel. About how you feel he may only be interested in talking about work. He probably doesn’t realise he’s doing it. Honestly, if you see it from his side, perception is an amazing thing. And he from your side. Sit down and have a talk. I’m super proud of your work and achievements and commitments. But the kids want their daddy and I want my dh bsck. Can we agree no work talk on the weekend / after dinner or something similar.