Am I being selfish?

[GemGEmGemster]

My sister stopped talking to me 2 years ago. We fell out after our DF died, it was an awful time, and the house sale and everything else was tricky and neither of us could agree on anything to do with it. Matters came to a head and she declared that our relationship was toxic and hasn’t spoke to me since.

I have been utterly heartbroken. She’s blocked me on everything literally everything and short of turning up on her doorstep which i’d never do, I can’t get in touch with her. I am so hurt and devastated. All I want is to say sorry even though I don’t know what I’ve done wrong exactly. To be cut off like this is so hard.

She has young children and so do I. She has said via her partner that she is happy for the cousins to see each other but she won’t be a part of it. I feel I should see the children and let them have a relationship with their cousins but it’s so awful knowing what they think of me. I’ve tried seeing them but I come away so distraught that it affects me for days. It feels so unhealthy. Should I persist, for the sake of the children or just accept it’s over and move on?

That must be so hard, I'm sorry

Why couldn't you turn up on her doorstep? X

If you come away distraught and it's impacting your life, you need to just move on. Kids don't need their cousins. It's a nice to have. But they do need a mum who isn't distraught, every time they see their cousins.

I think you should try to move on from it and accept she doesn’t want a relationship with you

Allow the children to see each other. She sounds decent to be honest so I can't imagine the children know what's happened.

DONT turn up at her door. Respect her boundaries.

You are not being selfish but I would continue to give this time and space. It may be that she's reacted entirely unreasonably to a minor issue, possibly exasperated by grief, or possibly this has been brewing for a while and you are just incompatible personalities.

Old fashioned perhaps, could you post her a letter explaining how you feel, saying you'd like to just chat to her, and perhaps meet for just a coffee somewhere (I'd suggest neutral ground). Leave that with her, see what happens. Even if she declines or doesn't reply, you've given it an honest shot and perhaps will find a little peace with it anyway even if she decides not to respond, as you've tried?

And no, I don't think you're being selfish for wanting to repair a relationship with your sister, partly for your children's sake as well as your own x

Agree with pp suggesting a letter letting her know how you feel and that you want to repair- you may not get the response you want, or any at all, but you will be able to feel like you did what you could.

Two years is a long time to let the dust settle. I would write to her, tell her how much you miss her and apologise for any hurt caused at what must have been a very difficult time. Say you'd love to see her and then leave things.

It's either come to terms with her not wanting a relationship with you and have one with your NS, or cut off that side of the family. We can't say if she's right or wrong in her analysis of you. You seeing her children might have been a test in her mind. If there was genuine live for her children then you wouldn't be thinking of cutting them off. But you seem to struggle to operate within someone else's boundaries. Will your children not ask what's happened to their cousins?

maybe the message about the children meeting is an olive branch?