16 year and drugs

[sensiblesometimes]

I have looked on his phone and he has taken ketamine, LsD , weed and alcohol, he has sometimes mixed . He has only taken a handful.of times, but I think weed is regular .
We have curfew of 11pm but he has slept over at friends 3 times this summer , he always tells us where he is going and who he is with . I have stopped his allowance and cut up his debit card he is furious and has punched wall
What should I do ? He is now angry and resentful, particularly about me looking on his phone ,
Was I wrong to give consequences

Not only that! But don't you lose brain cells!

I voted YABU just because your reaction will not help anything. He will continue to do drugs and will just hide it from you now.
As someone who did a lot if drugs in my youth (E, MDMA, coke, ketamine, etc etc, pretty much everything but heroin) I feel like the better option would be to talk openly and honestly with him. Highlight the risks (show him some of the stories where kids have died even) talk about risk management (only do drugs with people you trust, who will look after you if it goes wrong ) and let him know you will be there without judgement to help if he needs it.
This approach saved my friends life. She got really sick after taking ecstasy at a party when we were 15.. no one would call anyone to help for fear of consequences but I knew I could cally dad, he came, got us to hospital, only thing he said was thanks for trusting him.
I'm now in a very professional role, good mum to two kids. So I also agree with posters above that experimentation doesn't always =addiction.
I know you're in a difficult position you didn't expect to be in but just try to keep lines of communication open.

I can understand why you’re worried, I would be too, but going apeshit indiscriminately won’t help. Much better to split up the problem and deal with one thing at a time.

Alcohol: he’s going to be exposed to this for his entire life so focus on what’s important. What is a reasonable amount to drink, how do you get home afterwards, and what do you do when someone has had much?

Weed: daily or regular heavy smoking is undoubtedly A Bad Thing but a lot of people smoke it often with few ill effects. Bottom line is ensuring it isn’t killing his ambition or damaging his mental health. Conversations should be about how much is too much, and how to know when to stop. I’ve smoked a lot of weed in my time (but have now quit) at the same time as doing well in my career and committing in a serious way to time consuming, physically demanding hobbies. But I’ve also known people to ruin themselves with the stuff. My top tip is don’t smoke in the day (ask yourself, if this was booze would I be an alcoholic?) and don’t put loads in each spliff. If you sprinkle it lightly you can smoke a lot more spliffs before your body says ‘no more!’ (which it will, and when it does you must listen otherwise Bad Things happen).

Ket: yup this is worrying. I’d rather my child smoked 100 joints than have one ketamine session. Steer him towards safer intoxicants.

LSD: I gather it’s all in the dosage. A little bit is not the end of the world. Too much could change him forever. Encourage him to microdose and see what happens, and warn him of the perils of trying to be macho by taking loads at once.

Having calm and well informed conversations with him in which you can help him put relative risks into perspective, and equip him to handle problems that may arise, is the key to keeping him safe and keeping open lines of discussion.

Alternatively you can lose your shit and teach him to take drugs in secret, navigating this dangerous land alone.

I used to be a regular weed smoker in my late teens and early twenties and I now have teenaged DDs. I have been honest with them about my drug use (and alcohol abuse, I have been in recovery for alcoholism for many years) and they are free to ask me questions about my experiences and for advice, and they do. We have a very open relationship, and at the moment, they both feel that they don't want to try drugs right now, but the older one may be interested in trying edibles when she's older. I think that my history of alcoholism (and that of my Father, and both of my Grandmothers) has shown them a family predisposition which both of our DDs feel strongly about avoiding, and so are planning to have a very tightly controlled relationship with alcohol (although DD2 has always said she never even wants to try it).

I wouldn't be socked or horrified if either of our DDs tried drugs or alcohol, but I would be surprised if they didn't tell me about it afterwards. They both know that they can call me any time of the day or night, no matter how drunk or high they are, and I will always be there to pick them up and bring them home. They know I wouldn't shout or scream (or cut up their debit cards), but would instead listen to them, and advise them on how to stay safe.

@sensiblesometimes, I think that once you have calmed down, you should go and knock on you DS's bedroom door and apologise for losing your temper. Explain to him that your anger was simply a result of the shock, worry and sheer terror you felt at finding out that he had been using drugs. I think you need to also apologise for going through his phone. At 16, I think he is entitled to expect privacy in this regard and you should reassure him that you won't do it again.

I would expect an apology from your DS for his (over)reaction in punching a wall - violent behaviour (even when aimed at inanimate objects!) is never acceptable.

I would hope that from these apologies, an open conversation would follow, and your DS might be able to talk to you about how his experimentation came about. With some more knowledge, you should be able to set some new ground rules with him, particularly in reinforcing a curfew, agreeing that he needs to let you know where and importantly, with who, he will be when he goes out. I also think that letting him know that whatever sticky situation he gets himself into, you will always come and get him, will reassure him (and you).

I know it's a scary situation for you and that it must have been a HUGE shock when you first found out. I know you want him to be safe, but if you can get him to open up to you, you are much more likely to be able to influence his choices into more sensible ones and knowing that he can tell you things without you stopping his allowance and cutting up his debit card(!) should encourage him to be more frank.

Go and give him a hug.

Not everyone who smokes a bit of weed ends up a drooling junkie... but this sounds like rather more than "a bit of weed", and there are more dangers than just addiction in getting mixed up with the drugs business. Its big business, there is a LOT of money at stake and silly little teenagers at the bottom of the pile are VERY expendable.

@TuesdayRuby

OP you will undoubtedly get lots of comments from the anti-drugs brigade on here who have no experience of ever taking them but are convinced anyone who smokes a spliff is going to end up a heroin addict.

In the real world, drugs are everywhere, from schools to universities to workplaces. It already looks like he’s experimenting with his friends. You’d be much better off having an educated chat with him, explaining to him the risks, background to where drugs come from etc and your concerns with him experimenting. Coming down heavy handed and snooping on his phone etc will only alienate him further.

Like PP have said, the vast majority of people experimented in their youth and turned out just fine. Keep an eye on him and support him when he needs you.

This. Talk to him and explain the risks and pitfalls. This is very normal at his age It doesn't mean he will be a drug addict or it have any negative impact long term on his life.