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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that family heirlooms should stay in the family?

67 replies

siwsan · 05/08/2021 09:33

My husband’s family were historically middle class, think merchants and lawyers etc. As such, there used to be a fair amount of expensive 18th and 19th century silver, and fine jewellery. Think multiple rings worth upwards of £5k a pop.

My husband has one sister, and she has been given all of the family jewellery. She lives abroad and has one son. when she got married she changed her surname to her husband’s, who is very well to do.

Her son (my nephew) is about to get married, and dsis in law announced that any family jewellery would go to the new member of the family as a gift. What if they divorce?

AIBU to think that the family heirlooms should stay in the ‘direct’ line of the family rather than start branching out. My daughter has kept our surname when she got married, and knows that if she and her husband ever divorced, that his family furniture would go back with him.

OP posts:
Mandalay246 · 05/08/2021 10:29

Who cares? It's only stuff. Also it really has nothing to do with you, it isn't in your possession so you have no say in who gets it.

Proudboomer · 05/08/2021 10:35

I have some things that could fall into the heirloom category mainly China and jewellery and only have sons. I have already told them that when I am no longer walking this earth they can do what they want with my stuff. I don’t expect them to keep it all to pass on like some sacred artefact. They can sell it, give it away or take it to the dump as I will no longer be here to care.

ObviousNameChage · 05/08/2021 10:36

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

In your situation though, I agree it should be passed down the maternal line from mother to daughter, and if a mother has no daughters she should pass it directly to a granddaughter or blood related niece. Not to a biologically unrelated stranger such as a DIL.

Biologically unrelated stranger? Charming. Those biologically unrelated strangers are part of the family now, and kind of essential for continuing the precious 'direct line' Hmm

What about if there are adopted daughters in the family, are they biologically unrelated strangers too Hmm.

I was adopted. First female (not) born in that generation so following the rules there was a pair of earrings to go to me. My mother, a DIL looked after them for me until i was old enough. My aunt (married into the family) and uncle kicked up a massive stink because "not blood" and not "born". They're in my possession waiting for DD(who was also the first girl to be born) to grow up anyways. Grin
godmum56 · 05/08/2021 10:36

yabu, not your stuff not your choice

Namenic · 05/08/2021 10:39

Perhaps you could ask to buy one of the pieces of jewellery for your daughter - as a piece of sentimental value? Whether she does or doesn’t have your family name is irrelevant - her children may not have the family name or may change it on marriage.

NotWanting · 05/08/2021 10:40

I have my grandmother's engagement ring. I don't have girls and very unlikely to become a grandmother myself. If that were the case I'd give the ring to one of my nieces. Sentimental things are fine to keep in families. Other stuff - who cares. You will be dead.

Geamhradh · 05/08/2021 10:40

You can think whatever you want, but it's not your business is it?

Everydayimhuffling · 05/08/2021 10:44

It's none of your business as it's your SIL's belongings not yours. Also, your rules of who counts as family are odd and seem based on surname choices, bizarrely.

@ObviousNameChage that's awful. I'm so glad you got the earrings anyway.

MisterMeaner · 05/08/2021 10:47

I too have a husband with middle class heritage. His grandmother inherited two houses-full of antiques from her maiden aunt/parents, and these have now found their way to FIL and DH. All are treated as though they are the Crown Jewels. Consequently I live with a load of old junk that I'd never choose to buy. One or two pieces I could very happily accommodate but there's way more than that (partly because SIL has a small house so has asked us and FIL to hold onto her bits until she lives somewhere larger).

I'm dreading the day FIL goes, as we will then have all his stuff to find space for too - DH is reluctant to part with any of it, as he has had it drummed into him all his life how special it is. It's not special. It's old, but it's knackered and in many cases ugly.

So in my view, this venerating of old stuff only leads to hoarding and all its attendant misery. Sometimes I dream how wonderful it would be for the house to burn down while we're out, taking all its fusty old mahogany contents with it (except for the clock and the desk, which I like).

And fwiw, I have DH's great-granny's engagement ring. If we were ever to divorce I would not dream of keeping it. It would go back to DH or to our daughter. I think that's what most decent people do.

EdinaMonsoon · 05/08/2021 11:01

You are entitled to have an opinion of course but it isn’t your place to express it to SIL because you married in to the family. Simply put, family heirlooms are for blood-family members to decide upon only.

My DH has a similar background with many valuable family heirlooms & essentially I am in the same position as your SIL’s soon-to-be DIL. MIL gifted me several pieces of jewellery (at our wedding & when DC1 was born). I felt genuinely honoured that she did this. It felt like a wonderful welcome - so personal & special. Nobody else expressed any concern at that time. However, I found it unbearably awkward (& at times grabby) when extended family members began dividing possessions following the deaths of MIL & FIL (the latter in particular). DH, BIL & FIL gifted all MIL’s jewellery to me, except for a few things FIL wanted to keep. They felt that it was right as I was the only DIL to have had a relationship with MIL (BIL married 10 years after her passing). My SIL & other family members (most notably those who are married-in rather than blood) are extremely annoyed with the decision, even years on, & subsequently family gatherings can be awkward. You need to think carefully about how your opinion will impact on future relationships - whether you verbally express it or not, it will colour your interaction with the DIL.

Your opinion is also based on the assumption that this couple will divorce & she will do a runner with the family jewels. I don’t know what the legalities are but if I were to divorce DH, morally I would feel obligated to return those gifts or gift them to my DC. Either way, they are remaining in the family. Perhaps the DIL would do the same? But here’s hoping that they have a long & happy marriage!!

ObviousNameChage · 05/08/2021 11:02

@Everydayimhuffling

It's none of your business as it's your SIL's belongings not yours. Also, your rules of who counts as family are odd and seem based on surname choices, bizarrely.

@ObviousNameChage that's awful. I'm so glad you got the earrings anyway.

Their main argument was that is "born" isn't the rule anymore then it should go to my aunt as she married into the family first. Lots of bullshit. Meh, I was very young and generally unaffected by it.

The great aunt that had possession of them came to visit us , and gave them to mum. Not a lot they could do after that, except bitch and moan and bring it up every few years. They have a granddaughter now and it's reared it's head again. The old arguments, plus the fact that I live in another country and had DD here, and she has OH's surname and bla bla bla.

I don't care about the earrings to be honest, but I'm mostly being petty and spiteful because of their behaviour and rejection of me years ago. Plus it's a nice story and a link for DD to her heritage.. if she's interested in it.

SweatyBetty20 · 05/08/2021 11:08

We only have a couple of things - a victorian dress ring that's probably only worth around £750, but it was worn by my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mum (all strong wonderful women) and me. I don't have kids, so it will go to my cousin's daughter.

My grandad's second world war medals go to one of the boys with the surname.

sweetgingercat · 05/08/2021 11:46

Treating family antiques as the crown jewels is nice, but impractical. Keep the best pieces, either because they are most personal, sentimental, valuable or beautiful and sell off the others. Don't saddle your children (who in today's sorry society are going to struggle to find homes large enough to accommodate many items anyway) with these ancient burdens. Use the money to buy/have made something unique and beautiful that will remind them of you.

Because named things often go down the male line, then jewellery is often, but not always passed through the female line and this makes sense.

And OP once the valuables have been passed on to someone else in the family, they are no longer yours to argue about what to do with. In the kindest way I know how, you are coming across as grabby and manipulative. Let it go. Use all this negative energy in a positive way, earning money to buy something equally nice to give your own children.

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2021 11:48

@sammylady37

The sense of entitlement to other people’s money and belongings never ceases to amaze me. What an awful way to live.
It amazes me that anyone would give even a tiny bit of brain space to the question of who will/won’t inherit some old stuff that never even be,on bed to them in the first place. None of your business OP
Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2021 11:48

Belonged to them I meant

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:53

Kate has Diana's ring?

PheasantsNest · 05/08/2021 11:56

Your daughter sounds like she is already expecting her relationship to fail. Weird.

Etinox · 05/08/2021 12:00

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

It's just 'stuff'. Old stuff.

Divorce and families spliting can be devastating. Bringing 'stuff' into it is tacky.

Let people do what they want with 'stuff'.

Amen to that.
godmum56 · 05/08/2021 12:25

TheLightSideOfTheMoon
It's just 'stuff'. Old stuff.

Divorce and families spliting can be devastating. Bringing 'stuff' into it is tacky.

Let people do what they want with 'stuff'.

yup. Use things; love people.

godmum56 · 05/08/2021 12:26

@NotWanting

I have my grandmother's engagement ring. I don't have girls and very unlikely to become a grandmother myself. If that were the case I'd give the ring to one of my nieces. Sentimental things are fine to keep in families. Other stuff - who cares. You will be dead.
you will be as dead if its sentimental stuff
Laiste · 05/08/2021 12:57

Saddling your kids and their future kids with a load of ''valuables'' that they aren't allowed to sell - what the hell's the point?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 05/08/2021 13:20

Our family heirloom was a creepy doll. Head was china/porcelin but the body was stuffed with hair (boak). It didn't even have proper feet, just weird stumps.

It had a 'vibe'.

No one wanted it. Was supposed to go to the oldest female in the family but she didn't want it and none of the rest of us wanted it anywhere near our homes.

Was then offered to male cousin's wives and girlfriends. Still no.

It went to auction.

I watch a lot of horror and often wonder if it'll crop up in a movie.

VeryLittleOwl · 05/08/2021 13:59

I wouldn't be too worried about it. I have some of my grandmother's jewellery and will inherit more of it from my mother, along with hers. I'm already starting to pass bits of it to my niece now she's older (I don't have kids), but my grandmother died 10 years before my niece was born and she has no memories of her, so I've said she's absolutely free to sell it and do something exciting and memorable with the money if she wants, I won't be at all offended.

StoneofDestiny · 05/08/2021 14:12

If they married a family member they are family - surely?

Laiste · 05/08/2021 14:12

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Our family heirloom was a creepy doll. Head was china/porcelin but the body was stuffed with hair (boak). It didn't even have proper feet, just weird stumps.

It had a 'vibe'.

No one wanted it. Was supposed to go to the oldest female in the family but she didn't want it and none of the rest of us wanted it anywhere near our homes.

Was then offered to male cousin's wives and girlfriends. Still no.

It went to auction.

I watch a lot of horror and often wonder if it'll crop up in a movie.

Grin Eeek. Mine is a bloody great grandfather clock.

Not creepy - but huge and v.tall and rather takes over in a room.