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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter doesn't want to see her father

23 replies

Couchpotato09 · 04/08/2021 23:24

My daughter who is 12 doesn't want to visit her father and I feel absolutely awful sending her. We moved from Scotland to England 5 years ago. Her relationship with her dad has never been much of one and she's never wanted to go when she's had too. But since moving she sees him two weeks in summer holidays and we take turns at Christmas. In these past 5 years he's never once came and picked her up or met us half way, nor asked how she's getting to Scotland and back. He's visited once for an hour the whole time we've been here and it's only because he was staying at a friend's in Birmingham for the weekend. I just feel at a loss and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Daydrambeliever · 04/08/2021 23:25

Why doesn't she want to go?

Cheesypea · 04/08/2021 23:30

Your taking her to his house? I'd stop op.

Original poster

Couchpotato09 · 04/08/2021 23:35

She said that he's very strict and always shouting at her. I know I need to sit down with her and find out more as to why she doesn't bit for as long as I can remember she's never been interested in him although I used to send her to her dad's fortnightly before moving but even then she still didn't want to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

Couchpotato09 · 04/08/2021 23:36

Yeah I drop her of at my dad's then he collects her from there.

OP posts:

kaleidoscopeheartless · 04/08/2021 23:39

I wouldn't be sending her at that age her decision. On the other hand you did move so should be making the trip up once or twice a year.

Cheesypea · 04/08/2021 23:39

doesn't sound like overnight stays are doing her any good. Whats your relationship like with him?

AppleT · 04/08/2021 23:42

I think you should have a sit down with her and get more details. In the meantime, if she doesn't want to go, my opinion is that you shouldn't let her. She's at the age where she should know whether she feels comfortable there or not.

Original poster

Couchpotato09 · 04/08/2021 23:43

We get on ok and do our best to co parent

OP posts:

seensome · 04/08/2021 23:43

Just leave it, she's old enough to make her own decision, she doesn't want to go that is enough.

Original poster

Couchpotato09 · 04/08/2021 23:44

That's what I thought but he's having none of it and basically she's a child so has no say untill she's at least 16

OP posts:

Daydrambeliever · 04/08/2021 23:47

Yes. A really good chat about what's going on for her at Dad's is necessary. Don't comment just listen. Your OP was really about what you think of him ...and that's totally valid for you. But when it comes to her and his relationship she needs to not hear your opinion. It sounds like he's doing a good enough job of alienating her. Although my kids might at times day I'm strict and shouty, they don't get a choice but to live with me. Strict and shouty is subjective, but it doesn't always mean bad parenting.

If you have a half way decent relationship with him, how do you think he'd react to a conversation where you gently and respectfully 😁 let him know that she is having a wobble about coming because she feels like he shouts too much. Or how would he react if she told him that?

R0tational · 04/08/2021 23:48

My daughter has been like this for 5 yrs. I am finally stopping. She is also 12. It has been horrendous. Ex has just seen sense but had forced her to go fortnightly for years. Horrible man.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 23:48

You co-parent? He hardly ever sees her and does nothing to facilitate it. I'd be telling him she doesn't want to go and he can take you to court if he so chooses.

Daydrambeliever · 04/08/2021 23:51

And for those saying ”if she doesn't want to go don't make her” - do you have the same attitude about school? Her relationship with her dad is important. Where I wouldn't make her go, I wouldn't encourage her not to.

PinniGig · 04/08/2021 23:51

Don't send her or make her feel she should go. She's 12yrs old so more than able to think for herself which should be respected. If she doesn't want to go she should not go and if her Dad has an issue with it - it's his issue.

If you and your daughter are both on the same page and don't feel happy with this carrying on you're right to be worried and need to dig in and not be swayed or pressured by him.

Daydrambeliever · 04/08/2021 23:53

@Aquamarine1029

You co-parent? He hardly ever sees her and does nothing to facilitate it. I'd be telling him she doesn't want to go and he can take you to court if he so chooses.

Court does nothing but increase conflict, increase stress and increase financial hardship. None of these are good for your child.

AppleT · 25/08/2021 22:27

@Daydrambeliever

It's essential for any parent to have a sit down to find out the reason. However, there are things that could be happening there that she hasn't shared with her mum as yet. If it was school, then surely her mum would need to find out why she doesn't want to go.

It's essential to listen to kids and hear their point of view. Then the adult can make the decision.

Hankunamatata · 25/08/2021 22:29

Compromise. Would she stay with grandparents and do days out with dad?

Goawayquickly · 25/08/2021 22:32

@Couchpotato09

That's what I thought but he's having none of it and basically she's a child so has no say untill she's at least 16

Yes she does

Hapoydayz · 25/08/2021 22:34

At her age the courts will finally listen to her. Doesn't sound like he's made much of an effort with her but has an expectation she should with him.

TartanJumper · 25/08/2021 22:35

Nobody listened to me when I was that age and didn't want to see my father.
Please listen to your daughter.
It's your ex's responsibility to facilitate a relationship, not your dd's. It's on him to make her want to see him.

cheninblanc · 25/08/2021 22:39

I cajoled mine to go for a few years, however once turned 15 and 13 he decided they were disruptive and hasn't bothered since. I wish I'd let them stop when they were ready rather keep it going as I thought it best. Keep communication open that's all you can do

HarrietSchulenberg · 25/08/2021 23:00

Is the contact court ordered? You could tell him she doesn't want to go so you won't be taking her. He would need to apply to court for contact at which point your DD's views would very much be taken into account.

Is your ex a reasonable person? Could she stay with your dad for the 2 weeks and your ex take her for days out and return her to grandad's in the evenings?

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