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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum commenting on my weight

15 replies

Callisto88 · 04/08/2021 16:25

This is possibly a weird complaint to have, but I'm really struggling with my mum constantly commenting on how 'skinny' I am.

For backstory, she's always been obsessed with weight and dieting. She's one of those people who is always either 'being good' or fallen off the wagon and promising herself she'll start again tomorrow. When I look back on my teenage years I can now see how damaging that was to grow up around, and I did have a messed up relationship with food and body image for a long time (I have a much healthier outlook now thankfully)

Some examples of things she did - when I was about 17 she gave me a pair of her jeans and asked me if I wanted them. I said I didn't, and she said 'can you try them on anyway? I want to see if you're skinnier than me'

Another time, recently she dug out our old Wii fit from about 12 years ago. She logged into my account, checked what my weight was back then, then infront of other family members started saying 'Can you believe you were 10 stone back then?? There's no way you're that heavy now!' (This was infront of other family members who are definitely heavier than that so were probably very hurt by this. And also, not that it matters, but I am at least a stone heavier than that now!!)

Anyway, so every time I see her I can see her immediately checking out my size, telling me how tiny I am. (Not that it matters, but I'm 5'6 and size 12-14, so totally average sized. Definitely nothing worth commenting on!). She'll ask me what my 'rules' for eating are, she'll ask the size of any new clothes I buy, she'll make comments about the weight of other women around us, she'll only order dessert in a restaurant if I am. When I told her I was doing an exercise class she said 'why?? You don't need to lose weight'.

With covid I haven't seen much of her recently, but I'm going to see her again this weekend and I'm already dreading the comments. I really don't want my children to be so exposed to diet culture like I was.

AIBU for thinking she's inappropriate? And any tips or advice on how to shut her down?? She's very easily offended so I think I'm too scared to say anything direct.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:30

She's very easily offended so I think I'm too scared to say anything direct.

Sorry, op, but it's time to grow a backbone. Your mother reacts this way in order to control you, and it's clearly working. Tell your mother firmly yet kindly that from now on, you will not entertain any discussions about weight, diets, food, etc. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable and it needs to stop. How she reacts to a respect request like that is not your problem.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:31

*respectful

Cookiebox · 04/08/2021 16:34

Grow a back bone Hmm you obviously haven't got experience of mums like this.

My mum has always had issues with food and weight subsequently I have a really unhappy and unhealthy relationship too.

My mum constantly makes digs and comments about my sister and my weight. We're 40 and 37 respectively.
If we stand up to her there is tantrum and tears. We've learnt not to let it get to us but we have each other to support us.

Sorry I can't suggest something better. If you have an allie it really helps x

PanamaPattie · 04/08/2021 16:39

Feel free to offend her by telling her just how fat her arse is every time she mentions your weight.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:39

Grow a back bone hmm you obviously haven't got experience of mums like this.

Actually, I do. My mother is exactly like this and has been my entire life. I refuse to pander to this nonsense because how I feel matters too. If my mother has a tantrum, that's her choice, and one I'm not responsible for. It's also your choice to live with hurtful, derogatory comments every time you turn around, but I couldn't live that way.

Odile13 · 04/08/2021 16:48

Urgh, this sounds really annoying. Personally I think you should say something. “Mum, I don’t want you to talk about my weight anymore” and keep repeating it each time.

Thelnebriati · 04/08/2021 17:11

Its not fair of her to be both easily offended and rude. How would she react if you said 'you dish it out but you can't take it'?

Original poster
Callisto88 · 04/08/2021 17:48

Thanks all, some good points here. I do know I should stand up to her more, but it's hard because she thinks what she's saying is a compliment, and I suppose to some people it would be, but to me it just makes me feel uncomfortable. So if she told me I looked skinny and I told her to stop commenting on my weight she would genuinely not understand why I was annoyed.

It's hard work being around her - We had world war three on a visit before when I asked her not to feed my 2 year old chocolate at 8am and to save it for later in the day. Full on tears, screaming, storming off, not speaking to me for a week!

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 04/08/2021 17:51

She is not entitled to pass her issues with food and weight onto you or your children. Address her concerns directly and sensibly:

What are your rules for eating?
I don’t have rules, I just eat a balanced diet.

Why are you exercising? You don’t need to lose weight.
I’m staying fit not losing weight.

Look at that fat woman.
That’s rude, and none of my business.

She clearly has issues. You can only do your best to rise above it.

Drivingmeupthewall · 04/08/2021 17:57

Her relationship with food is fucked. Her behaviour, insane. And now she can see that you’re healthy and have a great relationship with food, it’s really triggering her. So much so, it sounds like she’s trying to derail your relationship with food. I expect she’d love it if you piled weight on…

You have to say something to her or distance yourself from her.

FinallyFluid · 04/08/2021 18:04

My mother used to constantly reference my weight, one day I looked her in the eye and said time for a new bra mother, your boobs are looking decidedly saggy., you won't get much action looking like that, not even from Dad always presuming he can still get it up.

She recoiled and told me I had overstepped the mark and I had no right to be so bloody personal.

I countered with, not a whole of difference between that and your comments on my weight.

She never mentioned it again. Grin

myusernamewastakenbyme · 04/08/2021 18:32

I have a friend who is aways banging on about 'being good' when we are eating out....it drives me mad....sooo bloody childish....just eat what you bloody want.

Odile13 · 04/08/2021 19:57

@myusernamewastakenbyme I have a friend who does the same. She’ll also tell me I’m ‘being good’ if I order certain things and I have to stop myself from making a defensive comment because I only eat what I enjoy, not to ‘be good’. It puts me a bit on edge when I’m ordering food in front of her.

Oneborneverydecade · 04/08/2021 20:05

@myusernamewastakenbyme

I have a friend who is aways banging on about 'being good' when we are eating out....it drives me mad....sooo bloody childish....just eat what you bloody want.
It sounds like you have a healthy relationship with food and your friend doesn't. I think they deserve some sympathy, I'm sure he/she would love to be able to eat what they want and not carry all the emotional baggage
dottiedodah · 04/08/2021 20:07

I would say to her that you Don't want to discuss weight any more especially in front of your dc . Tell her you are happy as you are and it's better to have a healthy diet with fruit and veg and lean meat and fish .can't see how she could get upset at this really

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