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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this gaslighting?

16 replies

Chacha1988 · 04/08/2021 16:22

Hi! I'm so upset and confused about my MIL and don't know what to do.

She's recently been very obviously tired of our two kids. She's complained a lot, which we can cope with, but recently she's started to openly ignore them. One day we were there she didn't say a word to DD the whole time we were there! We thought it was a coincidence, but next day she ignored her again. A few days later we bumped into her when we were out and she nodded to me, but completely ignored the kids.

When this happened DH messaged her asking why she'd behaved like that, and she shouted and swore at him, denying anything was up and that she always gets this from him. She hung up on him and texted him "I'm extremely disappointed in you, you should know better". DH didn't respond to her, but I sent her a message asking why she talked to him like that, as we had both felt she'd been weird around the kids. To my text she replied "I'm heartbroken and bewildered by your text".

She's shouted and swore at DH a few times. For example, a couple of months ago it was her birthday and they were having a party. SIL told us about it, but never said what time it started. DH rang MIL to ask when the party was, but MIL responded with shouting and swearing at him. Saying things like "I never wanted this party, everybody's forcing me to arrange it" in a very angry voice, as well as actually swearing at him. After DH hung up he was in shock and said "I only wanted to know when the party started".

DH and I both feel so uncomfortable. She's made us feel very guilty, but at the same time we can't deny she's really upset us. Such a confusing situation. Have we actually been mean to her, or is this gaslighting?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:26

This is 100% gaslighting along with her other abuse. You really need to ask yourselves why you are bothering at all with this horrible woman. The way she treats your children should be a deal breaker.

HollysBush · 04/08/2021 16:29

Mmm. Sounds like you need to see a lot less of her!

RedHelenB · 04/08/2021 16:31

Has she always been like this? If its only now could be the start of dementia, a urine infection?

Original poster

Chacha1988 · 04/08/2021 16:36

Thanks for your replies. She's always been like this. DH says she'll never apologise for anything, never admit she's wrong.

I've struggled with her since day one. She always makes me feel like an idiot and that I can't do anything right. I just recently feel I've had enough and literally can't cope with her anymore

OP posts:

PieceOfString · 04/08/2021 16:39

It happened, she is trying to deny it and push the blame onto you for asking about this thing that 'didn't happen'. Classic gas-lighting.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2021 16:41

@Chacha1988

Thanks for your replies. She's always been like this. DH says she'll never apologise for anything, never admit she's wrong.

I've struggled with her since day one. She always makes me feel like an idiot and that I can't do anything right. I just recently feel I've had enough and literally can't cope with her anymore

FFS, op, make a stand and absolutely refuse any further contact with her. If your husband wants a relationship with her, fine, but he can leave you out of it. You will be SO much happier.

PanamaPattie · 04/08/2021 16:43

Yep. Don’t see her and that way you don’t have to cope with her. If she is ignoring you and your DC - that’s the perfect reason not to visit.

spitalfielding · 04/08/2021 16:45

Dementia onset??

RunningFromInsanity · 04/08/2021 16:47

I would love to hear her side of this.

Original poster

Chacha1988 · 05/08/2021 09:52

Thanks for your replies. And yes, I’d never stop DH from having whatever relationship he wants with her. And if she wants to see the kids I’d never stop that either. Just feel I have to step back.

OP posts:

Potpourri23 · 05/08/2021 11:32

Have you been taking the kids to see her a lot? You mention being with her on two consecutive days, maybe she just needs a break? Do you rely on her for childcare at all?

The party thing sounds like someone who's feeling overwhelmed! I think this struck a chord with me because I'm currently feeling overwhelmed with other people organising social events which will inevitable involve me, which should be a nice thing but sometimes it can feel like a lot of pressure, especially if everyone thinks they'd the only one doing it and in reality it's coming from several different directions!

I realise that PPs have agreed that she's gaslighting, and I'm probably projecting, but... To me she just sounds like she needs a break from all her social obligations!

kaleidoscopeheartless · 05/08/2021 11:36

How often are you seeing your MIL?

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2021 11:38

Why would you facilitate a relationship with your children? This woman is nasty, inconsistent and abusive.

Why WOULDN’T you stop her seeing your children?

Getawaywithit · 05/08/2021 11:51

Agree with the poster who says dementia onset. It's very much a possibility. How old is she, OP?

Original poster

Chacha1988 · 05/08/2021 12:13

Thanks for your replies! We don’t see her much at all. The two days in a row was because they bought a trampoline for their garden and DD wanted to go on it. We did rely on her for childcare a few months ago as I took a temp job in a cafe. I had to leave after a month because she couldn’t cope. I’m absolutely fine with that, but from September we’ve sorted all childcare ourselves, not relying on her as I’m starting a job in the CS. That made her mad as well, as she wanted to have them! But I can’t leave another job because she can’t cope!!

As for dementia, I’m pretty sure that’s not it, as DH says she’s always been like this. She wants to be a saint and a victim - do everything for everyone, but at the same time being a victim as it’s too much and people take advantage of her.

As with the party, I totally agree with her being overwhelmed. Other family members pressured her with it. But the problem is that we get her anger about it, even if we had nothing to do with it. She’ll never shout at anyone else like that.

Sorry, feel like I’m complaining a lot. It’s just been seven years of this. And yes, there is her side to the story too, which is why I brought up the situation about her ignoring the kids - as regardless of how she feels about DH and me, that is still wrong. We have about a hundred stories of her being mean to us, but when it’s aimed at the kids it’s different

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/08/2021 12:21

I’d definitely see her a lot less. Good job you aren’t relying on her for childcare any more as she’s obviously not able to cope with this.

She probably isn’t able to cope with too much time around kids, but wants to convince herself and others t that she is.

Basically she’s probably a very mixed up woman, but it’s not a problem for you to solve or paper over. I’d just withdraw as much as you possibly can.

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