My soon to be 17 year DS has been very challenging in the last few years. Without going into too much detail I'm talking drug dealing, very violent and criminal behaviour, alot of police trouble and finally he has literally put holes in our walls, smashed my car windows while my other children were in the car narrowly missing my 2 year old head with a heavy object that was thrown through a window and most recently ripping several doors off the hinges in front of our younger children whom were terrified. Of course you will all think there are more pressing issues than that which I am posting which of course there are, and we have sought a huge amount of help from various professionals. He had some childhood trauma which has likely led to this and we have shown nothing but compassion, love and support but naturally there is only so much of this one can put up with and when the others are at risk it has led to us asking social care to rehouse him so we can support him wihh out him living with us due to protecting our younger children. It was a difficult thing to do and our whole family have been supporting the situation whilst offering him places to stay when things have become too much but he burnt bridges with both my parents after causing trouble when he lived with them, so supported living was our last option. We are dealing with this and he is getting professional help.
So that is the back story... So to the matter at hand presently...
His birthday is around the corner. We have often allowed him to get away with murder often not following through with boundaries and we feel we just have to be firm here and have finally made the decision much to his disgust, to not give him the money we had planned to give him for his birthday to repair the most recent damages to our home. The money we would have given him just about covers our losses so we can fix the damage. We have still purchased cards, a gift bag with smelliest and sweets and bought a cake, candles etc and have told him we will take him out for the say, doing any activity he chooses. We want him to know we love him and want to spend time with him but that he won't get expensive presents whilst he is this disrespectful. He has told family, who are now all anti my deicison. Problem is throughout his life they have always done this. Getting involved and telling him I am wrong for doing this. More or less talking badly of me behind my back and undermining my parenting decisions. Particularly my sister. I have him when I was very young and they have all been a great support but this is not supportive. So.. Am I being unreasonable for withdrawing his birthday present in light of what's going on?