AIBU to need your opinion?

[Lostsoul21]

Have NC for fear of outing and flaming! AIBU to want your genuine opinions….?

Been with DH for 30 years (since teens) he’s very career driven, confident, dominant. Thinks that mental health is a total sign of weakness, he can be quite opinionated but he sees this as a strength, which perhaps it is. He is also very likeable, funny, charming and popular. I have been going through the menopause, have felt very vulnerable and I do suffer from anxiety, which I try to hide from DH. I became friendly with a colleague at work about three years ago (a man) who was having a bad time at both work and home, we both found chatting through our issues helpful. We became close but as platonic friends. I have never been in anyway physically attracted to this man, but we would talk a lot and I kept it from DH as I knew he would go mad if he found out. DH new him anyway from sports out of work. The man left the company but we kept in touch via texts and phone calls. My DH found my phone bill and went mad. He accused us of having an affair etc. He went round this guys house and hit him. This was two years ago. The man had a facial injury but didn’t press charges. I offered to leave if DH wanted me to but he didn’t want that. He said he wanted us to try again for the sake of our son and everything we have together over the past thirty years. I agreed. Things have been tough, but we have tried to put it all behind us (or so I thought) but recently DH has been what I can only describe as spying on me. For example, he pretends to go out, leaves the car down the road and appears back in the house, presumably hoping to catch me on my phone. This morning he said he’d lost his phone while on his run, asked me for mine so he could find it and went off with it. When he got back, I looked at it and he had opened literally every app I have, all my photos, emails, messages, social media etc. I feel really violated but I know I did wrong with having what I suppose I admit was an “emotional affair” with the guy at work (more than two years ago now) but AIBU to want to put it behind us or is this what I should expect because of what I did? Please be kind as I genuinely am in a state. Thank you for reading.

Leave. The trust is gone and the respect has gone. You don't sound like you like him, do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Your DH is a bully & you've had an emotional affair, not a great marriage by anyone's standards.

Did you have an emotional affair, or did you have a male friend? Two very different things.

I have male and female friends, and if DH went mad over me having a male friend I'd think he was controlling and a bully. But an EA is different and harder to define.

If you both genuinely want it to work then stop lending him your phone and get some counselling. But I can't tell from your post whether you actually do.

Thank you. I just want a peaceful life! I guess just looking here for some opinions for some clarity as I’m feeling very mixed up and afraid.

If you had been upfront in the first place this would never have happened. He can't trust you.

Are you happy with him? Do you love him? Only you know the answers.
He clearly has trust issues.
Would counselling be worth a shot, even to help you find yourself.

Good wishes.

You're fully entitled to have males friends without having to be under constant suspicion.

Having a male friend doesn't equal having an emotional affair. Do you really think that's what it was or was it a genuine friendship with someone who happened to be a man? Only you can answer that.

There was no doubt a very strong reason why you kept this friendship from your husband, either because you were having an emotional affair or because you suspected he would automatically assume you were and react in the way that he reacted when he found out about your friendship and how he's reacting now.

Tbh, you husband sounds like a bully who has the potential for violence, never a good mix.

I would second the idea of getting counselling, just for yourself at this stage, and then decide how you want to proceed.

Finding yourself a 'peaceful life' might very well involve ending your marriage.

I spent most of my married life wishing for 'peace of mind' and 'contentment'. I only found them when my husband left and we were divorced.

You hid it from him so you have to ask why and then likely reason is because you knew it wasn’t appropriate or what your DH would be happy about.

It sounds like your marriage won’t come back from this. In some ways emotional affairs are harder to move on from than physical ones.

Once the trust has gone its really hard to maintain a relationship.