Lack of community after losing faith

[Purplelemon7]

Hi

I grew up in a religious community but I no longer hold religious beliefs. I find myself really struggling with the loss of community. Many people I grew up with are no longer part of my life because I can’t be open about what I now think. I find myself sometimes wishing I hadn’t lost my faith but I know there’s no turning back now. I think having children is making me feel it even more. Although I appreciate that my children will not grow up with many of restrictions I had as a female in a conservative community I do feel sad that they won’t have a community growing up. I think it’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t grown up in that sort of environment. Does anyone here understand?

Yes. I left religious community and it is hard. They are still very open to me returning but my faith has gone and it feels inauthentic to pretend. Funnily enough though it was their frank discussion about their own faith that led me to really evaluating my own and really questioning for the first time ever what I beleived. Also fairly impossible to have a conversation about it with them as they feel like my problem is my lack of faith, whereas I am fed up with that being the constant bottom line. It's hard enough being human without that constant feeling that I 'should' believe something that I don't. Your children will, in my opinion, thank you for your ability to question and follow your own truth. I appreciate it is lonely and hard, but it's so important to listen to what feels right within us. And surely that is the basis of faith in itself.

@coffeeisthebest So good to hear from someone else who has experienced this. I do believe that my children (especially my daughter) will be better off in many ways but the loneliness really gets to me. I grew up surrounded by so many people and we now have very few people in our lives. I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere any more.

I get it.

I'm catholic, but don't have much of a community, but I know people who attend other Churches that do. Their whole non-work lives are taken up with Church related activities - coffee mornings, children's play groups, food banks, church committees, choir. Literally, everyone they know is in some way connected to the Church. Need a babysitter? It's someone from the Church. Car need fixing? It's the brother of the pianist?

Maybe you need to focus on creating your own support network of likeminded people eg friends, volunteer groups, hobbies or neighbours.

I don’t have any personal experience but just wanted to say it sounds really difficult, you’ve known a certain way of living for a long time and it can’t be easy to cut that cord even though you did it for the right reasons. But your children will still grow up loved by you, they’ll make friends, they’ll carve out their own relationships and links. But It’s ok to feel the loss.

It's weird. I was just thinking this and then I saw your thread. I too have largely left my Christian faith as it was and the church I was part of. And I even realised I was just going for the community and contact, and losing that was hard.

All I can say is for the moment I have found a much smaller alternative LGBT everything friendly which is part of the contemplation tradition. There are people there like me and I can be honest about my sort of faith/largely lack of faith. I go occasionally. But it is still difficult as it is something I have been part of for twenty years and more. It feels like unwiring your brain sometimes. Good to read someone else's experiences.

Might a Sunday Assembly be a way to develop community without faith?

Community is really important, that is why churches and religion are so popular. You can have community without faith but it is hard to find and takes effort to build.

I am in my 40's and have been searching for this, I belong to a number of groups where I am part of a community. We have a community which is centred around a sport that my children and my husband play, school communities can be really supportive, my eldest son has a group of friends, mostly first borns which is interesting in itself, and as we navigate parenthood, we have formed a supportive community to bounce thoughts and ideas off, we are lucky that our sons have chosen friends with parents who share similar values and interestingly, they come from very diverse religious backgrounds. Now that my children are more independent, I have found myself reaching outwards to find my own community, fellow hikers, cold water swimmers and more recently, womens support circles.

Have you kept any friends from your Community that you can meet up with for play dates, dinners etc? . I am part of a church but remain friendly with people who have left and just interact in different ways like house visits, walks etc. It doesn't matter to me if they come to church or not..l like them for who they are. Maybe that's not possible.

Unfortunately in the community I am part off people are brainwashed into thinking that anyone who leaves the community is a ‘bad’ person and religion has a huge impact on day to day life from the way you dress to the prayers you teach your children. I suppose I could try to see people and not disclose my lack of faith but it might feel inauthentic.

I may need to look into non-faith based communities but I feel skeptical about how well these would work. I’m kind off hoping when my children are old enough to have friends there will be an opportunity to develop some sense of community again with parents off their friends.

That's very sad and not a great reflection of their beliefs. Church is not meant to be like that

Could you look into volunteering, there are many community groups looking for volunteers. Maybe something based around your interests, youth, families, food banks.

Many years ago I attended church for a while and it was the sense of community that I really appreciated, so I can begin to imagine your loss.
There are other communities out there though, maybe not as close knit, but where you will find friendship and kindness. Shared interests are at the heart of most. Be it a sport or hobby, a voluntary group of something with children - Guides and Scouts offer a lot of wider friendship opportunities. Find something you enjoy doing - maybe something with your children or perhaps some voluntary work if you can spare the time.