AIBU to ask my working husband to contribute/respect the work around the house?

[Sasha91]

I’m a stay-at-home mum with 2 kids. I’ve been at home since my youngest was born, almost 6 years. I was working before his birth and will be returning to work in the near future.

We are not the tidiest of people but as part of being the stay-at-home parent I took on most of the home duties. One of the frustrations I have faced is that I have asked him to help me by facilitating me to make chores easier.

One example (of quite a few) is the washing up. He will pile (and occasionally do a load of washing up) everything in the sink and the mountain of items will be as high as the taps. To access the plug, you must navigate this pile and sometimes he will have left a load “soaking” and the next day you have congealed grease/sauces/oil to wade into to pull the plug. My request is to use the side to pile dishes (a few in the sink is fine but if you have reached the point of dish Tetris to fit it in then it is time to do the load yourself or stack on the side). I have repeated this request, I have stressed how upsetting/heart-sinking it is for me to encounter the full sink. My requests are usually dismissed or diminished. He will invariably counter with a complaint that is more important or a number of “smaller” issues that would ultimately be more significant in his eyes.

I feel ignored, disrespected, and minimised. It feels as if he thinks as the sole bread-winner that my contribution is not worthy of respect and my opinion on how I want dishes stacked, clothes hung up on a hook, shoes put away when you get home or dirty clothes put into a hamper (when they are dumped on the floor literally next to the hamper) is a trivial nothing and the continued ignorance of these issues and also I have enough time to complete these tasks and others and there is no reason our house couldn’t be tidier.

I agree it could be tidier (and I could do it better) but I don’t believe that it is all a 1-person role. I see the children dump their clothes and shoes and worry that they use his example as a reason not tidy up. I worry that they think less of me as they see Daddy going to work and providing for us. I worry that when I return to work, I will still be doing everything I do now.

He works hard and is the sole breadwinner and I think he feels that pressure, particularly as there have been some difficult and stressful work situations, including losing jobs that he enjoyed. I’ve listened, supported, and comforted through these discussions and any time I’ve brought up my issues he doesn’t want to listen, and I feel he thinks he is being attacked.

I have tried different methods of approaching it and it always ends up with him minimising or outright dismissing my concerns and highlighting what I haven’t done or how he has been affected (by the issue at hand or something completely different). It also often ends up with a conditional situation (If you do this then I’ll do that) but never any acknowledgement that I have a valid concern. I frequently comment to him that I appreciate all his hard work, but I don’t feel he respects mine.

He’s a great, hands-on Dad and we share bed/bath times equally and I don’t doubt his love or commitment to the kids. He spends a lot of time with the kids and doesn’t do nothing around the house, he also often gets the shopping on the weekend.

He does have a poor memory and uses it as a reason he forgot to do these things I have asked but I’ve never seen any attempts to mitigate this poor memory or acknowledge any wrongdoing at all.

I don’t like confrontation and after all this time I don’t even bring it up anymore, but I know each time I’ve picked the same pair of socks from the floor for the 50th time, hung up that wet dressing gown, unplugged a greasy full sink a part of me realises that my contributions are not respected and my opinions on other parts of our relationship and parenting are not given an equal weight. I feel unappreciated and unmotivated.

I often think I am over-reacting and need to move on from it but something about it stops me, so AIBU to expect my working husband to respect my house duties and assist me?

Thank you for reading this long one!

Op I could have written your post and ime they do not change.

I am very cheered and surprised by the response you have had on here, because I thought you would be subjected to the usual negative response that sahms receive. (I know you are planning to return to work.)

I don't know what the solution is but I am interested to hear that several posters on here have left their dps or dhs because of this issue. I didn't know that was "allowed" if that doesn't sound too ridiculous . What I mean is, people would understand leaving because of an affair or gambling or something, but housework isn't usually seen as a serious enough reason. But I have always disagreed with that view and think it is. And it is becoming more and more of an issue now more women are working ft.

I have been living with a messy dh for 20 years plus and it has really got me down to the point of depression. As you say op, it is not the mess so much as the lack of respect. And things haven't changed even after I went on strike, which resulted in the house getting not only messy but disgustingly dirty too . And now I am in the process of sorting it all out again.

Sorry to ramble on. My dh has been away with teen DC this past week and it has been a revelation to me how much housework I have got done in record time and how lovely things look when I come in the front door because no one has messed it up!

Sending you much sympathy and support

I don't know what the solution is BTW, just that it might be am idea to return to work earlier than planned and buy a DW and employ a cleaner. Best of luck!

GoodallsFolly I read that as buying a 'Dear Wife' rather than (presumably) dishwasher and thought that sounded like a brilliant idea .

@Goodallsfolly I know exactly what you are saying. I've gone on silent strike and the increase in general mess was noticeable and nothing changed, just more for me to do when I went back.
They went for a few days away with in-laws and I really cleaned up and the place was really tidy and within a fortnight it had returned to the old and if I'm honest I think a part of me gave up putting in the big effort after that.
@TheCrowening I fear that might be happening.

Thanks again for all the responses. We don't really have space for a DW but maybe we need it anyway. The idea of a cleaner, particularly when I return to work is excellent. But as I said before the clear, honest communication is the main thing from here and if nothing changes then, well it is a bigger issue. Big girl pants on.

My solution is ongoing, but generally improved. , He leaves his clothes in a pile on a chair in the living area....So I throw his abandoned clothes out of the window, (we have an enclosed property) if he doesn't care, then why should I ?
I clean & tidy, he methodically shits on my work.
He is a builder, I say, "if I came & walked all over your freshly levelled cement & you had to start again, how would you feel ?"
He used to always leave his coffee cup in the sink, rather than put it in the dishwasher or rinse it. I hid the cups.
He has a tendency to put dirty things on the draining board, along with the fucking clean stuff... I put them in the bin.. (when he is looking) things like the carving knife... I say "better watch that when you take the bin out, you might cut your limp dick off"....
He is learning as I say.... he is 65.

It is agressive, the EXTRA work is totally unnecessary, he is lazy & entitled, (there are other things he does to dominate too) but I decided not let my children become like him.

Who does he think would do the housework if he lived alone?

The washing up might mean buy a dish washer and just load as you go. Yes they cost, but for you it would cut out a problem.

I think this is a bit of a red herring. He's not going to load it if he can't be bothered to stack the dirty dishes.

It's all about not really caring, seeing this as trivial even though it upsets the OP

Maybe write out a flow chart on the fridge with instructions.

Do dishes need washing Y/N

If Y

You have 4 choices

1. Be and adult and wash the dishes

2. Stack the dishes so someone else can wash the dishes

3. Stack the dishes in the sink so that someone else has to remove them, clean the sink and then wash them making the job twice as long because, well no reason

4. As 3 but add water and leave to soak, so the person you are supposed to care about has to put her hands in filthy slimy water to get the dishes out, stack them before washing both her hands and the sink, before doing the dishes and belittle her if she asks me not to disrespect her in that way by making her life both harder and unpleasant.

@sueelleker He wasn't tidy when we met (and I was only slightly better). It was more the periodical big tidy up. Not dishes, that was pretty good but general tidying. But kids bring double to quadruple the mess and this is where my desire to have some system (and support to honour that system) kicked in.
I know if he had come around to the idea himself it would happen (and he'd get annoyed if I wasn't following it) but as has been mentioned by others he clearly doesn't think it merits consideration (of me or the mess).

I think the disrespect is the core issue, not the actual untidiness. If he respected you then he would make changes at a small rate and eventually things would improve. But you ask for small changes that would require very little effort from him, and instead of him trying to work with you, he argues that you are wrong. This suggests the problem is really that he feels he is your boss in the home, because not only is he not willing to make small changes to help you but he disapproves you even speaking up for yourself and contradicts your very thoughts on the matter. If he wants to pile dishes in the sink he should be able to do that and you should obey. If you ask him to do things differently, it means you have autonomy over your work instead of having to do your work in a way dictated by him, and that is not okay with him. In that way, he can control your behavior even when he isn't there. So I think that is a big problem.

The dishwasher isn’t the answer. I have one and my DP and DCs still leave things on the side above the dishwasher rather than put things in it.

The article linked at the start was what made my DP realise I was serious when I told him how disrespectful I found it. He’s still shit at loading things into it, but does at least now unload the clean dishes and bring out dirty cups, rubbish and bowls from the lounge when he leaves, so it’s not as bad as it was.

I also employed a technique I read about on here. When you see someone leaving something on the side tell them to say “Fuck you ShitShow - you do it!” My lot didn’t realise that this is how it comes across but by making them say it out loud they will notice just how often they are leaving things for you to do for them.

“Fuck you Sasha (or I can’t be bothered mummy!) You do it” every time he leaves a job for you.

Some jobs (rinsing out the recycling etc) they just don’t care about. I want it to be clean as I don’t want the workers at the recycling centre to have to deal with gross mouldy rubbish, but he thinks “it’s just rubbish, who cares?” But other things like wet towels on the bed, they don’t know how annoying it is to get into a damp bed because you’d never be so inconsiderate. Start being inconsiderate!