Domineering friend

[Tostig]

A friend has always been fairly bossy, but recently has become domineering. She has to have the last word, contradicts almost every remark, and tries to insist on everything going her way on a day out. I'm trying to decide if gentle teasing or confrontation is the solution. What would you do?

None of the above - she sounds like a bore. Distance yourself.

I definitely wouldn’t do ‘gentle teasing.’ If you want this to stop you need to stop walking on eggshells, not gently-gently try and get her to see it. I would just stop seeing her, seeing friends is supposed to be fun. If you want to keep seeing her, every time she tries to force her way, I would say ‘well I’d like to do x, how will we make sure we both get to do our thing?’

If you’re finding that you’re not enjoying your time with her or she’s causing you stress on what should be a nice day out, then that’s not what it should be like with a friend. I think I’d confront her and get it out in the open - not aggressively or nastily etc, but explain how you feel. She’ll probably act a bit defensive (most people do when criticised, especially domineering types) but hopefully will reflect and consider her behaviour in future. If she doesn’t, then at least you’ve tried.

Teasing is a daft way to try resolve something like this.

Address it directly, in the moment when it's happening, each time. You'll likely find it ruins your friendship but frankly it doesn't sound like one you'd miss.

Alternatively you could have a conversation with her about this, via message or telephone. Say what you've said here 'lately I've noticed that you do this, this and this. Is something going on to have changed how you behave socially?' and see what she says.

I agree, no vagueness or joking. Point out that it's both your day out and you get a say. My eldest is a social care manager and if allowed borders on treating us like service users. In times of stress she tries to put herself in control. We have to reel her back in. Her's is an anxiety response. For instance, she is a nervous flyer, so she's domineering in the airport, we just say 'your doing it again' and she tries to stop. An honest conversation needs to take place.

Tell her exactly how it makes you feel and ask her to stop.

If she can't accept this or adjust her behaviour you need to distance yourself.

I have a friend I've known for decades who is naturally like this and she's learned over time to hold herself back.

Some people find things like this hard and need pointers from others. If she's a good, empathetic friend, she will respond. If not, you can't be expected to tolerate behaviour you have made clear you find unacceptable.