To think I've fucked up my children. Feeling really down.

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

I don't know where to start really....Split up with DH over a year ago. Was miserable for a while, about 5 years, him about 3...we were ticking along ok but he just never talked, drank too much, never helped with the kids, obsessed with work..I did everything along with working full time and I'd become resentful and miserable. We both agreed it was over and he was more devastated than me, but we got on with it, he moved out a year ago and he's been dating, me too, but the kids have never known that. He's been happy when dating but miserable when not. He's ok with the kids but doesn't really know how to deal with them. Ok for 24 hrs but can't cope with doing anything else when he's got them.

I've stayed in the house, to be honest not much has changed for them except they go to him two nights a week, he has a nice rental and we are gradually working through the legal stuff. I still do everything for the kids pretty much and work, plus I've got money worries on top of that but I'm still happier, he's been a better dad now he has to be and we are amicable, I bite my lip a lot to make everything ok for them and put myself out for them, things like doing all pick ups and drop offs as he doesn't drive, making sure they have nice days out and little camping breaks as he won't take them away, I am a teacher so I do all holiday childcare etc, he won't take time off so he sees them weekends during the holidays.
On the face of it we are all coping well.
But...DD is 11 and her mental health is shit. Anxiety, she thinks she has ADHD, she's said she thinks she's gay, bi, non binary, trans, all of it, changes every week, none of it is demonstrated in her clothes or who she seems to like, it's all a cry for help I think. I've tried getting help for her, counseling etc which we are waiting for, talking, telling her I love her regardless, doing nice things with her.
DS is 6 and the school recently asked if they could refer him for maybe ADHD or possibly ASD, he has awful trouble sleeping, they both do, I've only just sat down after getting them both to sleep, he has tantrums over the tiniest things, I'm doing what I can to help them but getting anywhere with it all is taking ages. They're both very clingy and attached to me, not surprising really as he was very distant with them, probably still is.
DD started self harming a week ago, I've chased counseling for her and contacted the GP, we've talked about ways of helping her anxiety and sensitivity to noise etc, confiscated her phone as she was talking with a friend about doing it and they were encouraging each other, and I'm trying to set up some control over it as I feel social media etc isn't helping. We've had a great week, baking, painting, camping, took her shopping and to get her ears pierced today, it's been lovely.
But they both just couldn't sleep tonight, it's always bad after they've spent time at their dads, worse as they are there two nights in a row as he won't have them during the week as it's the holidays. I'm exhausted and am trying to keep on top of DIY jobs on the house, getting work done, cleaning, plus days out so we aren't stuck inside.
I just think that if I'd just sucked it up, stayed with him, we could have maybe worked things out. I wouldn't be happy but they might. I spent Saturday at a barbeque with the guy I'm seeing, who is wonderful...had a great time, but there were kids there the same age as DD and DS and I just kept comparing them, thinking if my two were there they'd just be clinging to me, wouldn't interact etc.. there was a girl there the same age and she was so confident, so happy...I don't think DD will ever be like that.

I think I've basically fucked them up. Either because I put up with DH and his sullen, stroppy, disinterest in them and leaving it all to me, or because I got so sad and angry and exhausted because I did it all, or because I wanted out and now their lives have changed and they have to be without him, or me, for several nights.
I just can't see how things will improve, I feel like there's never going to be an improvement. I'm so much happier without him and with my BF, we've been work colleagues for 11 years and we get on so well and he's so patient and wants to eventually be a part of their lives, but I can't see a time when he will be able to, as there's no way I'm introducing anyone to them within the next year or so of course.
I just feel a bit hopeless really, sad my kids have become so anxious and sad and it's my fault. I don't know why I was so selfish to think I could do this, splitting up their family, and us all to come out unscathed.

[Tal45]

Your description of your DD screams asd to me, asd and adhd are related along with dyspraxia, dyslexia etc so it's quite possible they have either asd or adhd or both. Teenage years can be really difficult without those extra challenges and it sounds like you are an amazing mum dealing almost single handedly with some big challenges. Goodness you should be so proud of yourself.

Self harming is rife unfortunately, even though it's been 25 years since I was at school I could tell you about self harming being a big thing at my school back then - a chicken scratch it was called and it was a way of trying to fit in and be cool.

When you get a moment and feel up to it I would read up on adhd and asd and write down a list of every odd, quirky, unusual thing both children have every done. Masking is extremely common in girls - write about the impact of this as well. Any evidence you can come up with at all right back from when they were toddlers/babies, add things as they occur to you or you remember them. Write a long detailed list and take it to school, GP etc

You really need to look after yourself as well though. I cannot emphasise enough how important that is. xxx

[maddening]

If ds is being assessed for ASD could dd be assessed for that also, I understand that girls often mask it and the identity issues also talk to that.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Why do you think it's you, it's far more likely to be his behaviour that has caused them stress.

[Hilda41]

Just want to echo what every one else said - you sound an amazing mum. Sounds like you have no time, but if you get chance really recommend the book "Never Let Go" by Suzanne Alderson to read or listen to,. It's a hugely supportive and gentle
book about looking after children with MH issues and she talks loads about the importance of self-care and how looking after yourself is one of the best things you can do for your children on so many different levels. 11 is a hard age anyway as pps have said. I wish you all the very best - and hope things get easier little by little.

[Bryonyshcmyony]

My dd was so clingy and anxious when she was about 10 that the school referred her to an Ed psych. I couldn't leave her with anyone.

I just did what she wanted and went everywhere with her. Wouldn't work for ebry one but also got her horse riding lessons which made a huge difference.

Anyway she's 22 now and the most sociable person I know with a lovely boyfriend and living away at uni

Just thought it might help to see they can come through it

[imip]

Chiming in with many other pp To say that you should consider ASD for your DD. I have 2 diagnosed girls and one beginning on the pathway. They can present v differently to boys (actually, not all boys, boys can mask also). Worthwhile doing some research on this. I think also as a teacher (I have previously been a TA) you are trained to think that autism ‘looks’ a certain way but do read up about autism specifically in females. This transition to secondary can be a challenge for autistic children, so good to try and get the help now.

[Quartz2208]

Covid has hit this age hard OP and along with the SM stuff especially TikTok what she is going through is sadly far more common.

What is the Secondary school she is going to like? DDs has a fantastic scheme alongside the local CAMHS and managed to see somewhere within days. Most of our local high schools have some kind of scheme in place but we may just be fortunate based on where we live. But it is worth a look

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

I don’t think you’ve fucked them up.
There’s just too much going on.

Teaching is bloody hard and stressful. You’ve all got to adjust to weird “dad days ” that are a day out not ongoing parenting. You’ve got a boyfriend. They’ve got their lives.

I think simplify.

[Lockeddownagain]

I have no care how people live there lives but I know that kids are so confused now about all the choices non binary guy bi pan.... we have friends who's daughters non binary but they think it's happened cos of their child's friend who is trans. You haven't fucked up OP you are amazing. Get her some counselling and try and rest these holidays xxx

[Bythemillpond]

As well as counselling could you also get an assessment for dd as all the things you mention could be attributed to ASD or ADHD.
Girls present differently to boys with these things and it is more subtle.
There was a YouTube video I watched by Jessica McCabe who talked about her childhood and even though I am decades older, from a different country and there were so many external differences in our upbringing it was like she was describing me growing up. Divorce or not will not stop a child having ADHD/ASD

Remember ADHD/ASD is genetic and if your dd was recognising signs and then later the teachers are asking for her db to be assessed then there is definitely a possibility that she could well need assessing. I don’t think a counsellor is going to change anything.
I would also look and see if you recognise signs in either yourself or their father and whether you, him or both of you need to be tested as well

[Howmanysleepsnow]

If, and it’s still an if, DS has ASD or ADHD that’s not because of anything you’ve done or not done.
Ditto if DD is confused over her sexual identity.
Self harming is endemic amongst 11/12/13yo right now. My (incredibly well balanced)14yo tried it once and once only at 11/12 and her HOY said over half her year had. Apparently it was a real problem at school as a couple of girls with traumatic backgrounds were very open about it helping them so everyone was trying it. In the vast majority of cases it didn’t indicate a deeper issue.
You sound a brilliant mum. Parenting is always hard and often relentless, but it’s clear from your post your kids love and are loved by you. That’s what matters.

[Christmasfairy2020]

The non binary is a trend at mo. My dd is 11 and her friends are same. I'm very much a strong feminist and she prob has my views so she hasn't as of yet started copying her friends.

She most likely had some form of autism get her assessed. But you haven't messed up. Also don't forget she starts comp soon and is most likely anxious

[TableFlowerss]

You sound like a great mum. Plenty of parents separate and some children don’t see their dads at all, or their mother moves in a new boyfriend who may have kids too.

It’s easy for people to place base on circumstances etc but some kids would behave like that, even if their parents were still together. If the child’s that way inclined (personality wise - without SEN) then there’s nothing you could do. If they do have SEN then it would likely be the same outcome regardless of the situation.

Sounds to me like DD is struggling to find where she fits in to society. There’s loads of girls in my DDs class that say they are bi, not binary, trans etc… is a cool tend at the minute!

I think you have hit the nail on the head regarding social media. It can rip away at a child’s self esteem if they don’t fit the ideal of what’s perfect, whether that be how they look, how many likes they get etc… it’s a fucked up world, even as an adult, so what chance have kids got.

Your ex sounds like a useless fuck. Don’t beat yourself up x

[beigebrownblue]

No you haven't fucked them up OP.
Otherwise you wouldn't be posting here concerned and worried about it.

As far as bi, trans etc is concerned at that age it is really as I see it an act of rebellion against many things...

Its been a pandemic, a totally shite time for young people and their parents as well as everyone else, school staff etc.

And you would be hard pressed to find a young person who didn't have mental health issues, I suggest. I feel most of us know that full well on mumsnet as we are at the sharp end.

This age group would be a challenge anyway without covid and it is very hard.

You will come out of it.

There are a few helplines around for kids nad parents who self harm. Waiting list for Camhs is shite and often six months.

Try to find a physical activity that they like. Hang in there Op. I'll try to find a few links to relevant helplines.

[beigebrownblue]

www.bing.com/search?q=help+for+kids+who+self+harm&form=ANNTH1&refig=889f469327134db0946b841bfef91c7b

[beigebrownblue]

ttps://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/f/eelings-and-symptoms/self-harm

Parents helpline etc

[HappySonHappyMum]

I think you're an amazing Mum but I can't help wondering why you are doing all the work to facilitate the relationship your DCs have with their Dad. Your are separated - his relationship with his kids is his to determine. You mention that your kids are worse when they come back from visiting him - do your kids realise contact is all because of you and if it wasn't for you there would be no relationship? Take the pressure off yourself - you can't control him, let him take responsibility for his own kids, if he fails you'll then become their ally and not the person that's making them go somewhere where they don't have a really good time.

[beigebrownblue]

Sorry if that came out a bit blunt.

I'm smack bang in the middle of last throes of legal stuff re divorce myself and a week before G.C.S.E results (which I know are going to be good)

so rather stressed right now too. Good luck

[beigebrownblue]

The thing about horse riding sounds brilliant. If you can afford it.

[Redlorryellow]

I was just like your dd (from what you’ve said) at that age when my parents split up and I jsut wanted to add my voice that no, you haven’t fucked them up. If there’s blame for be laid then it’s at the door of your inadequate ex H who made your lives intolerable. It sounds like it wasn’t going to get better for any of you and you absolutely did the right thing for your kids. They will be vulnerable now but just be there for them as you have been and show them they come first. My mum didn’t do this- she jumped into another r’ship, moved the guy in and had a baby within a year of the split. THAT messed us up even more. Please be kind to yourself and know that from your post it’s so obvious your kids are your priority and you’re a great mum. I wish mine had been more like you.

[Bryonyshcmyony]

@beigebrownblue

The thing about horse riding sounds brilliant. If you can afford it.

Yes it wasn't too bad when she was little but sadly for me it made such an improvement in her mental health that we had to continue for years!

I can't overstate how much it helped though so if it's even a slight possibility then it's worth considering

[nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome]

You have two VERY small children who have gone through a massive amount of upheaval in the last two years.

Not just the divorce, but Covid, isolation, home schooling, separation from their friends etc. It's not surprising their mental health is on the floor, the entire country's is!

You've raised two kids through out a pandemic, they're fed, they're loved, they're safe. How is that failing them?

Your DD sounds in a difficult place, but that isn't your fault. Does she have social media, by any chance? I've found kids on tiktok have ENDEMIC identity issues, their heads are mashed at finding a group to 'fit in'.

However, like we did with worker jeans in the 00's, they'll grow out of it and find their place. Keep an eye on what she is using/watching etc and continue to provide her with love and support as you wait for the counselling referral. Can she articulate why she SH? A rubber band sometimes helps with the urgency but I imagine the problem has come from a myriad of other things.

Do you believe she may have ADHD? The girls' symptoms are completely different to the boys' and very often overlooked. May it also be a cry for attention because of her brother?

DS sounds like he is struggling poor thing, it's good that school are on it though. Is he able to articulate his feelings to you?

You sounds absolutely exhausted and I don't blame you. All I can say is keep plodding on and be kind to yourself. Be lovely to yourself, because you deserve it. Is there a chance you could get help in at home to take off some pressure? A cleaner or a gardener once a week/fortnight? I know it seems paltry but every little helps.

[Phineyj]

You sound like you're doing very well in highly trying circumstances. I have an 8 year old daughter diagnosed with ADHD/ASD/PDA and it has made me question my parenting and put loads of pressure on my marriage - but on good days I know I'm doing all I can (I think my husband probably has the same diagnoses - he certainly masks).

I'm a teacher too - does your own school maybe have people and resources who could help a bit? My school SENCO has been so.kind and helpful and when I opened up to colleagues, quite a few had awful problems with their DC in the past that made me feel less alone. You could also call the Education Support partnership hotline. I don't know if they're any good, but they're free!

I have joined a local Facebook group for parents of kids with PDA and that has really helped with ideas, contacts and support (I found it via a listing on the PDA society website). Nearly all the mums on there (yep it's all mums) are single parents. Sadly it seems very common for men to give up when the going gets tough.

I have also found two books helpful: The Explosive Child and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child - they both have great tips on how to feel better as a parent and not blame yourself. The Autistic Girl's Guide to Periods is also useful -- can't get DD to read it, but I've learnt a lot!

You are epic just for the camping trips tbh

[1Endeavour2]

Sounds to me, as a professional in child psychology, that your ex husband could have some autism spectrum behavior. His behavior up to the separation points to that. This condition is highly genetic. Manifests itself in different ways in different people each generation. We have it in my dh family and it is powerfully transmissible. Can now see their great grandmother was at least aspergers. That saying, it is highly comorbid with ADHD. Would also explain their general sensitivity and light sensitivity and sleep issues and his lack of skill to manage them. (Also, you do need to listen carefully to them to ascertain that they are safe when at his house. All mothers need to check this). You are not responsible for genetics. Read up about how to manage spectrum kids and apply this if relevant. Remember autism spectrum disorders are highly connected with trans gender issues. She is trying to make sense of herself at a tricky age. Social media is a plague here.
Hormones don't help. Do they sleep better in winter? Regarding SEN, your children you love are the ones you got in the great lottery. Whatever the labels put on them you will carry on loving them for ever and helping them grow up. There is no normal anyway. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's not your fault. They need healthy role models. There are so many mothers with children with difficulties so find some and help each other. They will never judge. Regarding mother's of ' perfect' children. Time will tell. Pride always comes before a fall. Hope this helps. Good luck. Thinking hat on!

[Phineyj]

I meant to add (but my post was already too long) try not to compare. Your DC will be making progress compared to their previous selves. I know it's hard. My DSis bangs on about her children's academic achievements and so do some parents at DD's school. DD is unlikely to win any academic prize but she has achieved things in her own terms and so have my sixth formers with ADHD/ASD. I am very proud of all of them!