To think I've fucked up my children. Feeling really down.

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

I don't know where to start really....Split up with DH over a year ago. Was miserable for a while, about 5 years, him about 3...we were ticking along ok but he just never talked, drank too much, never helped with the kids, obsessed with work..I did everything along with working full time and I'd become resentful and miserable. We both agreed it was over and he was more devastated than me, but we got on with it, he moved out a year ago and he's been dating, me too, but the kids have never known that. He's been happy when dating but miserable when not. He's ok with the kids but doesn't really know how to deal with them. Ok for 24 hrs but can't cope with doing anything else when he's got them.

I've stayed in the house, to be honest not much has changed for them except they go to him two nights a week, he has a nice rental and we are gradually working through the legal stuff. I still do everything for the kids pretty much and work, plus I've got money worries on top of that but I'm still happier, he's been a better dad now he has to be and we are amicable, I bite my lip a lot to make everything ok for them and put myself out for them, things like doing all pick ups and drop offs as he doesn't drive, making sure they have nice days out and little camping breaks as he won't take them away, I am a teacher so I do all holiday childcare etc, he won't take time off so he sees them weekends during the holidays.
On the face of it we are all coping well.
But...DD is 11 and her mental health is shit. Anxiety, she thinks she has ADHD, she's said she thinks she's gay, bi, non binary, trans, all of it, changes every week, none of it is demonstrated in her clothes or who she seems to like, it's all a cry for help I think. I've tried getting help for her, counseling etc which we are waiting for, talking, telling her I love her regardless, doing nice things with her.
DS is 6 and the school recently asked if they could refer him for maybe ADHD or possibly ASD, he has awful trouble sleeping, they both do, I've only just sat down after getting them both to sleep, he has tantrums over the tiniest things, I'm doing what I can to help them but getting anywhere with it all is taking ages. They're both very clingy and attached to me, not surprising really as he was very distant with them, probably still is.
DD started self harming a week ago, I've chased counseling for her and contacted the GP, we've talked about ways of helping her anxiety and sensitivity to noise etc, confiscated her phone as she was talking with a friend about doing it and they were encouraging each other, and I'm trying to set up some control over it as I feel social media etc isn't helping. We've had a great week, baking, painting, camping, took her shopping and to get her ears pierced today, it's been lovely.
But they both just couldn't sleep tonight, it's always bad after they've spent time at their dads, worse as they are there two nights in a row as he won't have them during the week as it's the holidays. I'm exhausted and am trying to keep on top of DIY jobs on the house, getting work done, cleaning, plus days out so we aren't stuck inside.
I just think that if I'd just sucked it up, stayed with him, we could have maybe worked things out. I wouldn't be happy but they might. I spent Saturday at a barbeque with the guy I'm seeing, who is wonderful...had a great time, but there were kids there the same age as DD and DS and I just kept comparing them, thinking if my two were there they'd just be clinging to me, wouldn't interact etc.. there was a girl there the same age and she was so confident, so happy...I don't think DD will ever be like that.

I think I've basically fucked them up. Either because I put up with DH and his sullen, stroppy, disinterest in them and leaving it all to me, or because I got so sad and angry and exhausted because I did it all, or because I wanted out and now their lives have changed and they have to be without him, or me, for several nights.
I just can't see how things will improve, I feel like there's never going to be an improvement. I'm so much happier without him and with my BF, we've been work colleagues for 11 years and we get on so well and he's so patient and wants to eventually be a part of their lives, but I can't see a time when he will be able to, as there's no way I'm introducing anyone to them within the next year or so of course.
I just feel a bit hopeless really, sad my kids have become so anxious and sad and it's my fault. I don't know why I was so selfish to think I could do this, splitting up their family, and us all to come out unscathed.

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

@Theghostofchristmasarse I spent Saturday at a barbeque with the guy I'm seeing, who is wonderful...had a great time, but there were kids there the same age as DD and DS and I just kept comparing them, thinking if my two were there they'd just be clinging to me, wouldn't interact etc.. there was a girl there the same age and she was so confident, so happy...I don't think DD will ever be like that.
I could say the same, think the same, but the truth is part of that would be who they are more than anything else. My DC are never going to be like that, it simply isn't who they are. They're variously Autistic, anxious, have panic attacks.

If it's not already what you're waiting for, I'd be getting DD referred for CBT. That has really helped my 10 year old DD with her anxiety. She's doing a lot better now. Her brother is Autistic, he will most likely never feel comfortable in unfamiliar places or with unfamiliar people. He struggles with busy environments and has sensory issues with noise and touch amongst other things. It's who he is. We have the unhappiness and resentful marriage and DH can be very short tempered and moody, none of that helps. While the right supports can help make life easier for them, if they are Autistic or have ADHD or are shy and anxious by nature, to a large extent they are who they are.

I'd push for diagnostic assessments, if your daughter has ADHD or is Autistic but undiagnosed that may be effecting her self esteem. Girls tend to present differently to boys, often get diagnosed later and can end up struggling to fit in and struggling with friends. Especially the older that get, girls often mask well and copy social interactions without really understanding. As they get older and social interactions become more complex it gets harder and harder to copy and mask.

It sounds like they both have sensory issues. A lot of Autistic DC do. Would she wear earmuffs? There are things that can help with anxiety and sensory issues. Getting support and diagnosis (if they apply) and going on putting them first as you've been doing and living in a non resentful miserable environment, all that can help them and you.

With the sleep, that can be a very big contributor to anxiety, sensory issues and lack of emotional regulation. None of it will go away, but it might well reduce a lot with more sleep. I'd see your GP about that, something like melatonin might help.

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

Sorry didn't realise I typed so much 😊

[Mushybananas]

You sound like an amazing a caring mum. It’s wonderful that they feel close to you and that they’ve been able to turn to you for support. I totally understand how you feel and my DD suffers with anxiety. Ask to speak to pastoral support at her secondary school, to make sure they can look out for her and that she’s under their radar. It’s natural that they should react to a separation. With your continued support they will be fine. Make sure you look after yourself too. You’re doing a great job and really good that you have a lovely partner.
Just keep taking the next step in getting the right support for all of you.

[Dancedancedancedancedance]

You sound like an amazing parent who gets zero adult support from her ex! Plus - TWO camping holidays !

Def read more re girls on the spectrum. The ‘otherness’ autistic ppl can feel does sometimes feel like you’re in the wrong body…

Can you get DD in the queue for school counselling?

Have you looked at kooth for supporting teens?? School recommended this to me re anxiety.

With your support your children will thrive. You’ve got this. Also - have you got friends / parents to lean on IRL?

[LatentPhase]

You sound like an inredible mum. An absolute legend. And you’re a legend in their eyes.

I’m so glad you’ve a lovely new burgeoning relationship. Something to nourish you and support you.

The LGBTQ issues for children has become an enormous and very much every day issue. Same for self harming. Well done for controlling social media use while you still can. I have been where you are with the self harming and it’s a gut wrenching horrific feeling which makes you feel so ashamed. But it doesn’t say anything about you as a mum at all. You’re quite literally wonderful.

I wish you well

[Recessed]

So sad that mums who put their everything into parenting their DC are filled with guilt and remorse for "fucking them up" when it's often the bloody useless father's fault they're struggling. I bet their crap dad doesn't give his actions a thought, I bet he doesn't lose sleep agonising about his role in your DDs struggles. Makes me so cross. You categorically haven't messed your DC up OP, you sound like a wonderful mother and if your ex had given you the support you deserved things may have been different. Your DC may still have struggled if ASD is suspected but another involved parent would have mitigated the stress and pressure on your shoulders.

You're doing a wonderful job, keep going and try to push as hard as you can for extra help/support I'm glad you found a lovely BF too, you deserve some happiness!

[CallItLoneliness]

The noise sensitivity, sleep problems, fluid sexuality, resistance to headphones...could your daughter have ASD too? She sounds like me, and I am on a diagnostic pathway as an adult.

[EarringsandLipstick]

I think you might be conflating the issues your DC have with the separation.

I'm sure there is a reaction to the separation (I'm a separated parent myself with a useless ex) but in the main, it sounds like what your DC are experiencing is separate to that? That it would be the case even if you'd stayed together.

The school is asking about ASD / ADHD assessment for DS & your DD is having some similar challenges.

You sound like you are doing everything you can & getting the necessary support for your DC.

The issues with your DD are quite serious & of course you are worried but you are seeking help.

The hard thing about being separated in a situation like yours is that all these worries become magnified and without support from the other parent, the burden feels very heavy.

Try to focus on addressing the possible diagnoses and know that a committed steady loving parent, which you are, is the most important thing for your DC. 💐

[Mistyplanet]

Maybe they shouldn't be staying overnight at their dads if they are clingy and unsettled after. 11 year old stuff sounds like usual hormonal stuff which could have happened anyway even if you were not separated. Hopefully you'll be able to ride it out with them.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

I’m not qualified to really comment on your kids as mine didn’t have SEN and I split when they were much older, but I wanted to say that…

You sound like a seriously fabulous mum, and your kids will know and remember how much time and love and energy you’ve spent on them/ with them. Keep doing what you’re doing.

💐💐💐

[Vanishun]

I'm autistic and am certain my dad is, possibly my mum too.

You're worried that your divorce has hurt them - well, my parents stuck it out when they were miserable OP, and that messed me up too.

You were absolutely right to look after yourself and to model good relationships. Don't second guess yourself there, please

[Geriatric1234]

Couldn’t read and run.

You have done the exact opposite of f**king them up. You are supportive and present and you love them unconditionally. You’re an absolute legend.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

Lucky kids You are there for them in every possible way.

Have you tried wax earplugs? Much more comfortable than the rest. Saved my sanity when I had noisy neighbours.

Noise sensitivity can indicate a greater need for magnesium in the diet:
psychcentral.com/blog/living-with-extreme-sound-sensitivity#3

[ifigoup]

I understand why you don’t want them to meet your boyfriend yet, but apart from you and their dad are there other adults who are invested in them? Grandparents, aunts and uncles, older cousins, godparents, youth leaders etc? It’s such a burden and a pressure on you having to do it all, but if there are others around who love them and who they can go to if they feel they can’t talk to you (which might be helpful especially for the older one over the next couple of years), that might help them and you.

It sounds like you are doing the absolute best you humanly can, and you’re right, it is exhausting.

[Elleherd]

You sound like an excellent if deeply stretched parent who's actually managed spectacularly well.
The sense that no matter what we did manage and achieve, when things go wrong must be down to what we haven't managed is not a new thing.
For some stupid reason many of us do it.

The one thing I can say as a piece of hard learned wisdom, is stop comparing your children to others!

Comparison is the absolute thief of joy, and this is never more true than when it comes to children, especially if you are raising ones with AN's in difficult circumstances!

You also have no idea what that so happy, so confident child, from that apparently so well functioning family may be masking.
I've been sailing and bailing a leaking broken boat for an awfully long time in the midst of many who seemed to have everything working so well, but time sadly has shown that appearances can be deeply deceiving.

You are almost certainly doing so much better than you realize.

[RickOShay]

@Theghostofchristmasarse
You are on the right path. You may not feel it, but you are. Believe in yourself, this is where your strength comes from. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you made the right choice to separate for both you and your children. Think about why you feel guilty about staying in the house? How is that helpful for you? Is it real?
You cannot save anyone. You cannot save your ex dh. Do not take him on board emotionally, distance yourself.
I agree with @EmeraldShamrock. Your children are the arrows from your bow, they come from you, but they are not you. And that’s ok. They have their path to walk and it’s your job to support them, and you ARE doing that, so rest easy.
It will be ok

[Mummadeze]

I worry about my anxious DD too. She is 12. I look at her and wish she was happy, confident and carefree like she was when she was little all the time. I also sometimes wish she had the outlook of other children her age because all her problems seem to make her life worse, not better. And to be honest, I am putting up with a not ideal relationship with her Dad and haven’t separated. So that often makes me wonder if I am fucking her up too! There is no right or wrong and you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Just continue to be loving, nurturing and supportive and getting her professional help. And stop beating yourself up. You sound like a v good parent.

[milkieway]

This isn't your fault - sorry it's so hard at the moment.

The way you've described your daughter it might be worth looking into autism assessment?

Whilst your waiting for Camhs are there any other sources of local support ? Some charities offer mental health support within schools or locally in other ways ?

www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/supporting-others/childrens-mental-health/

[Whydidimarryhim]

Hi op your doing a great job with your kids. You ex sounds useless.
How is he with them - would he make sure they got to bed on time - that maybe why your struggling with them getting to sleep.
I wouldn’t get back early for your ex - it’s your weekend - what time is he expecting you back?
Are you in the uk?!
There are organisations ie Childline - it maybe in your country - your daughter could talk to them when she is feeling distressed. It may help in the short term till she can get regular counselling.
Have you any family support? It’s tough doing all this by yourself.
I see your children may have SN - but children require “one good enough parent” to fair well in life - I think a psychoanalyst Winicott said this.
You love them, you attend to them and you look out for their needs.
💐

[Isthissteangeitfeelsweird]

had a great time, but there were kids there the same age as DD and DS and I just kept comparing them, thinking if my two were there they'd just be clinging to me, wouldn't interact etc.. there was a girl there the same age and she was so confident, so happy...I don't think DD will ever be like that

so happy...I don't think DD will ever be like that.

I think I've basically fucked them up. Either because I put up with DH and his sullen, stroppy, disinterest in them and leaving it all to me, or because I got so sad and angry and exhausted because I did it all, or because I wanted out and now their lives have changed and they have to be without him, or me, for several nights


just feel a bit hopeless really, sad my kids have become so anxious and sad and it's my fault. I don't know why I was so selfish to think I could do this, splitting up their family, and us all to come out unscathed

First of all, you havnt fucked them up and you need to stop telling yourself that you have. You sound like a lovely caring mum and it's clear you love your children and want the best for them.

With you saying theyd be clinging to you at a BBQ, some kids are just a lot shyer than others! Me and my friend took our children to a dance class last week. Her children have grown up with mum and dad living together, lots of family and friends coming around, lots of positive vibes ect

My children have grown up witnessing DV a few years ago, have just me raising them these past few years, no family visits, I only have 2 friends and my kids have school friends. I'm a stressy mum far stressed than I'd like to be

Who do you think from the above was sat under the table crying holding their mums legs? The 2 children with a safe stable upbringing or the 2 children who'd not had the best time? My 2 kids were in the middle of the dance floor proper enjoying themselves going for it, my friends children were sat crying next to their mum hiding. Some kids are confident, some are not. I dont think you can blame yourself for your children being reserved or shy, it's their personality

Selfish? How are you selfish? For wanting to be happy? Give over!!

I felt selfish for leaving my ex, I still feel bad they dont have a dad ( court ordered him not to contact or communicate with any of us) was worried about splitting up the family

But staying somewhere where I was sad and unhappy would of just shown my children the wrong sort of love, yes it's been hard yes I wish things were different, yes it affected the children for a little while

But their so happy now.

Stop blaming yourself OP, you sound so lovely,

If you had a friend in this situation what would you say to then X

[redbirdblackbird]

Hi, I don’t have much to add but just wanted to say that my son is also undergoing assessment for adhd and asd. Until very recently I totally blamed myself for his behaviour, I thought it was because I had worked full time when he was little etc. It’s been enlightening for me to realise that his behaviours are nothing to do with my actions, this has been helped by the school ep etc.

[Whydidimarryhim]

That’s a great link milkieway.
Thanks I will use it.
I really struggle to get him to talk!!!
I can see there are conversation starters on there.

[dottiedodah]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have only recently separated from dh and it takes time to work through. Your dd is at a difficult age ,however .you are there for her and she would not have been happy if you and dad had stayed together. It rarely works just staying for the children. Just allow yourself some time to breathe! Get help for dd and ds ,have a good time with bf as well. Obv don't introduce atm . You are doing well

[TheFoundations]

For what it's worth, my Mum and Dad stayed together, in a shit relationship that didn't make them happy, and I had issues as a kid. If my Mum had left like I wanted her to (and taken me and my brother with her), I would probably still have had the same issues (because I'm me), but I would have had a happier adult life because I would have been set a better example of how relationships work. I followed their template of 'If it's shit, you stay. And you try and you try and you try.' If she'd left, I would have had the template 'If it's shit, you leave', which would have saved me a whole bunch of shit relationships as an adult, and some very expensive counselling to get my head screwed on right in my 40s.

I think it's really important to support them in their troubles (which you clearly do), but also not to take their troubles personally. That will detract from your ability to support, and will put the focus of their troubles partially on you, which is exactly the opposite of what they need if you're talking about 'cries for help'.

Do you feel like your parents messed you up, by any chance? Do you wish you'd had a better childhood? I'm just wondering if there's a distant root to this feeling you have, that might help you make sense of it and dismiss it.

I honestly feel like giving you a hug, and I've never written that on MN before! You did right to leave, and that fact that you're worrying about the impact on your kids just shows how much you love them. It's just a bumpy patch; families of all shapes and sizes have them. You'll all come out the other side ok.