To think I've fucked up my children. Feeling really down.

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

I don't know where to start really....Split up with DH over a year ago. Was miserable for a while, about 5 years, him about 3...we were ticking along ok but he just never talked, drank too much, never helped with the kids, obsessed with work..I did everything along with working full time and I'd become resentful and miserable. We both agreed it was over and he was more devastated than me, but we got on with it, he moved out a year ago and he's been dating, me too, but the kids have never known that. He's been happy when dating but miserable when not. He's ok with the kids but doesn't really know how to deal with them. Ok for 24 hrs but can't cope with doing anything else when he's got them.

I've stayed in the house, to be honest not much has changed for them except they go to him two nights a week, he has a nice rental and we are gradually working through the legal stuff. I still do everything for the kids pretty much and work, plus I've got money worries on top of that but I'm still happier, he's been a better dad now he has to be and we are amicable, I bite my lip a lot to make everything ok for them and put myself out for them, things like doing all pick ups and drop offs as he doesn't drive, making sure they have nice days out and little camping breaks as he won't take them away, I am a teacher so I do all holiday childcare etc, he won't take time off so he sees them weekends during the holidays.
On the face of it we are all coping well.
But...DD is 11 and her mental health is shit. Anxiety, she thinks she has ADHD, she's said she thinks she's gay, bi, non binary, trans, all of it, changes every week, none of it is demonstrated in her clothes or who she seems to like, it's all a cry for help I think. I've tried getting help for her, counseling etc which we are waiting for, talking, telling her I love her regardless, doing nice things with her.
DS is 6 and the school recently asked if they could refer him for maybe ADHD or possibly ASD, he has awful trouble sleeping, they both do, I've only just sat down after getting them both to sleep, he has tantrums over the tiniest things, I'm doing what I can to help them but getting anywhere with it all is taking ages. They're both very clingy and attached to me, not surprising really as he was very distant with them, probably still is.
DD started self harming a week ago, I've chased counseling for her and contacted the GP, we've talked about ways of helping her anxiety and sensitivity to noise etc, confiscated her phone as she was talking with a friend about doing it and they were encouraging each other, and I'm trying to set up some control over it as I feel social media etc isn't helping. We've had a great week, baking, painting, camping, took her shopping and to get her ears pierced today, it's been lovely.
But they both just couldn't sleep tonight, it's always bad after they've spent time at their dads, worse as they are there two nights in a row as he won't have them during the week as it's the holidays. I'm exhausted and am trying to keep on top of DIY jobs on the house, getting work done, cleaning, plus days out so we aren't stuck inside.
I just think that if I'd just sucked it up, stayed with him, we could have maybe worked things out. I wouldn't be happy but they might. I spent Saturday at a barbeque with the guy I'm seeing, who is wonderful...had a great time, but there were kids there the same age as DD and DS and I just kept comparing them, thinking if my two were there they'd just be clinging to me, wouldn't interact etc.. there was a girl there the same age and she was so confident, so happy...I don't think DD will ever be like that.

I think I've basically fucked them up. Either because I put up with DH and his sullen, stroppy, disinterest in them and leaving it all to me, or because I got so sad and angry and exhausted because I did it all, or because I wanted out and now their lives have changed and they have to be without him, or me, for several nights.
I just can't see how things will improve, I feel like there's never going to be an improvement. I'm so much happier without him and with my BF, we've been work colleagues for 11 years and we get on so well and he's so patient and wants to eventually be a part of their lives, but I can't see a time when he will be able to, as there's no way I'm introducing anyone to them within the next year or so of course.
I just feel a bit hopeless really, sad my kids have become so anxious and sad and it's my fault. I don't know why I was so selfish to think I could do this, splitting up their family, and us all to come out unscathed.

[spoons123]

I didn't comment but I remember this thread. Good to know you are feeling happier. Hope it all gets easier with your kids. I'm sure you're doing a great job!

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

I'm coming back to this thread after 4 months...I'm not sure anyone who commented will remember but your comments were so helpful. I hadn't even considered ASD, but convinced my ex to pay for private assessment after she had a more difficult time of things at secondary. They've diagnosed her as autistic and while things have got worse in some ways (horrible aggressive meltdowns, refusal to go to school a few times) we at least have some answers now. So much of her behaviour makes sense now, as does my exes. I think maybe he's realised that too.
I'm feeling a lot happier but still exhausted and still beat myself up a bit too much. Kids are both sleeping better now though and the routine of term time helps as they see dad regularly and I've stopped doing so much for him. I'm very clear with him about my boundaries about not asking me to sort stuff out to suit him etc. He's still a bit useless about contact about the kids, especially when with his girlfriend, but I do get a proper break twice a week, BF makes sure of that bless him. He also listens to me endlessly bang on about the kids 🤦without complaint.
Kids have met him a few times in a larger group as a friend and were suitably not interested at all 😂 we are hoping he might meet them in the new year, once I've broken it to ex...it's been 2 years at this point and he's on his third girlfriend I think so he can just stick it frankly 😂
I still feel very guilty for the break up but I do keep reminding myself it wasn't just me, and I'm slowly realising that the way my kids are is not their fault or mine. DD is starting therapy after Xmas to help with self esteem and understanding the diagnosis, she's already read a couple of books that have helped, plus we've had 2 near meltdowns which have been diffused with humour and me being calm and just letting her get on with it (Also two that resulted in hours of screaming and broken glasses but hey, I'll take it 🤷). I think we are beginning to realise her triggers, plus the week before her period is hideous, so knowing that helps too.
Just reviving the thread to say thank you all again, I did have a little cry at all the responses remembering how down I was feeling then, but it's helped to look back and realise I've done two terms of work, lots of DIY jobs are done, we've had lots of lovely days out, I'm still skint but managing ok, and we're doing better. When I close my door at night and it's just us three, it's so lovely. No stress or sadness or resentment because I'm putting the kids to bed alone, or putting up with his drinking. He's slowly taking a bit more responsibility for them on his time too, with gentle prodding from me. I can manage the not getting them to have a bath or whatever once or twice a week though, I can make up for his shortcomings, they're safe there and they enjoy the time, he's toeing the line about DD and internet access too, so things seem to be improved in that area a bit. I'm keeping an eye on the trans stuff and very much just making it the least exciting thing ever...I'm hoping as her self esteem improves and she comes to terms with the autism, that might become less of a worry.
I'm blethering on now as I'm tired and have one more day left at work before we break up for the holiday, but I'm looking forward to relaxing and spending time with my two oddbods.. but thank you all again and merry Christmas!

[DeflatedGinDrinker]

They both sound like possible ASD op you are not a fuck up. My ASD son would have been clingy to my leg too begging to leave, he hates people and noise it's too much for them.

[ArabellaScott]

You definitely don't need to answer everyone. Away and have a cup of tea and stop adding jobs to your list.

[QueenCremant]

I haven’t read the whole thread but you absolutely have not fucked them up. I totally understand how you feel and it’s way to blame ourselves but try not to go down the guilt rabbit hole.
Since splitting with xh my dd self harmed. It’s absolutely rife in teens/preteens sadly. She used it as a release from the emotional pain. Things we were recommended to try when she wanted to self harm were:
Putting an elastic band on her wrist to flick that instead
Playing with ice cubes
Getting a red marker pen and drawing in the place she considered cutting
Distraction-exercise, reading, drawing etc

She does seem to have stopped now but it was so upsetting at the time and she still has some scars.

Social media is definitely a pressure on kids but not found she was more anxious taking it away from her because of FOMO.

Covid has also really fucked kids up IMO as they were stuck indoors and could only use phones etc to communicate.

It sounds trite but be kind to yourself. I’m glad you’ve got the support of a new bf and get a bit of a break. Can xh step up at all? Holidays should be shared.

[PrincessNutella]

OP--Kids are complicated little bastards, aren't they?????
All you need to do is keep trying.
You obviously love them and care about them.
They are lucky.

[Bryonyshcmyony]

I always think if I win the lottery I'd open a riding stables giving free lessons and horse experiences to children and adults with SEN or MH issues. It would be my absolute dream.

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

Thank you all so much, it's really helped reading your comments. I'm generally quite upbeat and resourceful but I just get so low some days. Sent DD off for a day out with another family today, set up monitoring on her phone and had a good talk to her about it, also heard back from the mental health team and they've referred her to CAHMS so that's something, they said to go back to the GP and demand a referral for possible ASD or ADD, they said the school have to then fill out the forms. DS has gone to my parents for a few hours, they're a great support and she spends time with them a lot, also she does scouts which is really good for her, I'm going to try to get her back to horse riding, it's so expensive and stopped due to covid but hopefully now she can go, even if just a couple of times a month.
I'll try to go through and answer everyone, but I just need to crack on with sorting out the house today while I have time, BF is coming over to help me paint the bathroom and sort out these bloody mice getting in somewhere, so that'll be positive. He's so upbeat and cheerful its such a comfort to me, I wish my kids could get to know him as they'd love him and I think he'd be another adult they could get lots of support from, but it's going to be a very long time before that can happen.
I'll contact her dad again today and try to pin Him down on when he's having them over the holiday, plus update him on her referral, although he's not bothered to ask at all.

Thank you all again, I really appreciate it. I'm going to call the GP, iguess then I might need some advice about how I get them to actually listen to my concerns...they suggested a bloody glitter jar on the phone call earlier this week, as if we are at that stage 🤦

[Dobbyisahouseelf]

I just popped on to say you have a lot on your plate but you are doing a fantastic job as a parent.

I have limited experience of SEN but I agree that social media can be a real problem and you are right to limit phone use at this age. I used to randomly check my DD's phone from the age of 11 - 15 and occasionally this would lead onto a discussion. I found that my DD liked to run through difficult scenarios when she started secondary school.

Try to be kind to yourself OP.

[beigebrownblue]

I second watching 'Motherland' on Netflix...
Puts a lot of things in perspective as well as hilarious x

[RiverSkater]

Oh, and I'm from a family where my parents stayed together and that toxicity had affected me and my siblings and was a terrible example of relationships so yes, I'm in a terrible relationship myself!

But this thread is actually inspiring me to get out, not stay!

[RiverSkater]

Hand holding here and just to say you have not caused any of this, in fact you are in a better is a better position to support your children now than in an unhappy marriage. You deserve to be happy.

Would you try EFT Tapping therapy? There is an App called The Tapping Solution and a Facebook group and quite frankly it's been amazing for my DC who suffers from anxiety.

You sound like an amazing mum.

[InPraiseOfBacchus]

Your DD sounds exactly like me as a teen in almost every detail. I was a right state for years after a very troubled teenage life, but I'm now 32 and doing wonderfully.

I patched things up with my parents... they were imperfect people, just like everyone else on Earth, and we've all made our peace with that. Sometimes life doesn't go smoothly, but that doesn't have to define our existence. I now work full time in mental health myself, and loving life.

I will say one thing - comparing your DD to others is a recipe for misery, both for your DD and yourself. I know your impulse is coming from a good place (you want a good life for your DD and you're trying to decide what that would look like), but the most important thing is to make sure your support for your DD (and your own self-worth) isn't in danger of becoming conditional, i.e. based on how close DD comes to an ideal. She needs your support right now, just as she is.

My recovery didn't look like anyone expected it to either!

DD will find her strength and happiness eventually. Can't hurry these things, but it will happen.

You're doing just fine. The fact that you care so deeply about your children says it all. Please be kind to yourself.

[Bagforlifeandthelifeafter]

Only yesterday I was wondering if I was messing mine up by staying with their dad! Nothings really that wrong but I’m not happy and I’m sure he isn’t. We just plod along being like room mates but who get on each other’s nerves. Kids don’t know any different but I wonder if they’d be happier with us separated. They’re all teens now with the youngest 14. They must see we are not lovey dovey.

[RedHelenB]

It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate. I wouldn’t worry too much about bf/DIY right now, concentrate on the children.

[AgathaAllAlong]

I don't know if this will help but my parents "stayed together for the kids" and my sister also had many of the problems you describe in your daughter, and that was with two caring and involved parents rather than just the one.

Try and reframe it OP: you are doing amazing. The problems they are facing are not your fault, but how they are managed are down to you, and you're doing great. Perhaps your kids are neurologically diverse, and would have been regardless. Think of how much you're helping them by being the way you are! Think how awful it would have been if both parents were like your ex-DH! You are doing exactly the opposite of fucking them up. You are parenting the kids that you have, with the individual difficulties that they face, in the best way you can for your family.

[ArabellaScott]

Also found this article on sleep/sensory issues, might be of use.

What I've found is that my kids' emotional issues have a massive impact on their sensory capacities. And probably vice versa.

www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/10-year-old-cant-relax-and-sleep-meltdowns-from-noise-lights

[Wisewordswouldhelp]

Look up flare audio calmer for your daughter for her sound sensitivity.
My daughter sounds like yours. She is currently being referred to the paediatrician for an autism assessment. Has she seen an occupational therapist they can help with sound sensitivities? Unfortunately when you have SEN kids you have to push for everything and also suggest what you think it is. My daughter's school never mentioned autism until i did. As others have said autism presents differently with girls. Also with melatonin see if you can get the amount adjusted. You are not alone there are so many of us out there with the same issues x

[impossible]

Lots of practical advice on here but I wanted to add (as parent of young adults) that childhood years, especially teens, are bound to be rocky, whether you're separated, divorced, single or in any other caring situation. Sometimes you just have to put as much in place as you can and just hold on tight.

You told your dd that Tik Tok doesn't reflect real life but you should remember yourself that neither do the smiling parents you meet with 'perfect' family lives. All sorts of stuff will be going on behind the scenes.

The best advice I can offer is keep close to your dcs and when times are difficult tell them (and yourself) when times are difficult that things will not always be this way. And listen to them without jumpin in. My biggest mistake I think with my dcs was always trying to fix their problems rather than just shutting up hearing them out - it sounds as though you are already good at that.

You have not fucked up your dcs. You are doing fine. I think the world is particularly difficult to grow up in but you are right there beside them.

[coffeeisthebest]

You did what you needed to do. Your marriage was intolerable. Your kids have lived with your unhappy relationship and are now, perhaps, showing their own scars as a result of their experiences. There was/is no way you could have shielded them from all of this, they have lived this with you. Have you had any counselling as you appear to not be able to see your own strength, or you certainly write like that? I think you need to get on board with how much you have going on and have got through and perhaps rethink how hard you are on yourself. Also maybe rethink not introducing new stable bloke to your kids, he sounds like he might be a welcome addition to their lives. Please find yourself space to vent though, as you can't keep this much pressure up, you may explode at some point.

[stayathomer]

OP please read your post impartially as a reader. There is no way you could ever say anything to this person except they are an exceptional person who has done everything they can.

[hettie]

Nah, you're not to blame ...loads of people would (from the outside) think we've got those happy confident achieving type kids.. DC 1 has cried ranted and hit and kicked furniture in distress over school work (dyslexia) clicks, taps (and taps and taps) (attention focus hyperactivity issues).. DC2 has been so anxious that they've vomited (several times). DH and I have a rock solid relationship so go figure ...

[ArabellaScott]

I think you need to do a bit of care and looking after yourself, OP. You sound exhausted by all you are doing. (And you sound like you're doing a fantastic job). You'll know the saying about putting your oxygen on mask on first, I expect.

First thing is - don't second guess why you've left their father. It was the right thing to do.

Splitting up from their father isn't a bad thing in itself, it will have an impact but it can be handled in a better or not so good way. What the children will need, I would say, is space to talk, vent, let out their emotions, to hear loving honesty and know that you are there for them. Active listening is an art - it can be tricky to let our kids talk, not least because it often brings up our own responses./reactions/worries. We hear our child say they are unhappy (or maybe even something about their anger, that htey hate us) and our first response is fear, guilt, maybe even anger, panic. What we need to do is allow our own emotions to background for a bit to let them work it through. In a way, we need to act for a temporary time as our child's therapist - which mostly means letting them know they are safe and allowing space and time for them to talk.

This book is good:

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

All the best.

[charliebrown59]

you did the right thing, miserable parents always transfers whether you stay together or not. My children have similar issues and they don't have divorced parents. It's a confusing time in the world to be a child - don't underestimate the impact of covid on their mental health too.

I agree you need to do something for you, that makes you happy, you need support.

ps the support for additional needs/anxiety/sleep issues can really help, I know it's a slog to get there but melatonin helped my DD so much. I hear ADHD medication is really effective too when you get the right combination. We found OT for sensory regulation hugely helpful too.

[RhonaRed]

Oh op I'd give you a hug if I could.