So i recently returned from a short holiday with two of my best friends. One of the friends has been having a rough time recently and as a result has become quite angry at the world (Friend 1) However, we have all been supporting each other through the pandemic and have listened to each others problems etc. One of the friends lives abroad (Friend 2) and as she was coming home for a few weeks, we decided to go away to the the dales for a few days. We rarely get to spend time together, and we were all really looking forward to it. In the time leading up to the trip, i found out i was pregnant, amazing news! However, i had the most difficult pregnancy the first time with hyperemesis and perinatal anxiety. The Hyperemesis kicked in again and i was miserable, i even had to go to hospital for a day as i had damaged my neck from wretching. They gave me some anti-sickness meds which were a godsend, they didnt stop the nausea but the vomiting reduced dramatically which i was grateful for. I tearfully confided in my husband that i was worried about going away and feeling so bad as i felt like i would ruin the holiday, not be able to keep up or just want to wallow in sickness. I felt a bit more confident once the drugs stopped the vomiting, and my husband reassured me that i would be with Friend 1 & 2 and they would support me.
I hate that pregnancy means i genuienly can do alot less as i feel so grim and i hate that vulnerable feeling, or feeling like a burden, so i tend to lean on my husband a lot. I am normally a very strong and independent person so i find it hard that it hits me so hard, and makes me very anxious about what people are thinking i should or should not be able to do. I have only met a couple of people who have had sickness and mental health issues during pregnancy as bad as mine, and ive always felt a sense of i should just 'put up with it' and its 'just pregnancy'.
My young son (2.5yrs) is like a normal toddler and gets bugs from time to time. He has had a cold for the last 6 weeks or so, or it seems like that long! a few weeks ago he developed a decent cough and we got him a PCR test. This came back negative so he carried on going to nursery and about our lives as he wasnt unwell in himself. I video message with my two friends most days and this had come up a few times. I even jokingly mentioned 'he's gonna pass it round the whole family!" I admit that my dad did get a bit of a cold, but nothing to write home about and only for a few days.
Fast forward 3 weeks and my son is doing fine, long recovered, but still has a bit of a sniffly nose and a cough, just cant seem to kick it. Or i just put it down to toddlers always being a bit snotty! Friend one and i arrive for our trip with our children, hers are alot older, 11 and 8 and mine is still a toddler. From the moment i arrive, i sense that something is wrong. Friend 1 is being characteristically cold, stand offish and passive agressive. She just doesnt relax, wont sit down, constantly sniping at her kids and making comments under her breath about doing the dishes. She snipes about EVERYTHING, even micro manages how they play. She makes little comments about almost everything, even me wanting to get some sliced bread (cant we just make do?!), me mentioning that my son has a thing about plasters and he likes to keep them on for ages as they make him feel'better' (snipey- it heals quicker if you leave them off- of course i know that) me feeding my son a little travel pizza (they are full of sugar) constantly tidying and huffing and i even caught her cleaning the windows. She made me feel like one of her kids and in my current pregnant anxious state, i just became worried and walked on eggshells trying not to upset her. She just makes me feel like i was irritating her and my anxiety levels start to spiral. What could it be? Is it because i dont feel well and i cant keep up with the things she wants to do with her older kids? She seems so wound up by the tidiness, could it be that i cant keep my toddler tidy, lets face it, toddlers are messy, so i start constantly worrying about his mess and trying to keep things to her standard. I feel so sick i just want to relax in the cottage and deal with my son, but Friend 1 has very regimented ideas about the things they should acheieve on the holiday. If i say i'll sit it out because my son cant go as fast and i feel rubbish, it is taken that i dont like the idea and im annoyed they are going (im not, i was glad of the relaxing atmophere)
Friend 2 arrives after a couple of days and we go on a walk with the group and i confide in her that friend 1 has been very snipey and wont relax and is generally creating a bad atmophere and i feel super anxious that ive done something wrong. My son takes this moment to have a huge meltdown on the walk, and friend 1 and her kids have stormed ahead, with no attempt to include us as we are a different pace. I get upset at that moment as i am grateful to have a shoulder to cry on and my son wailing and causing a scene just all gets too much for this emotional mama! Friend 2 reassures me and we take it at our own pace and go back to the house, relief washes over me and i feel better.
Then as im coming down from putting my son to bed, i hear Friend 1 bitching to Friend 2 about how I am irresponsible for bringing my son on holiday when he is 'symptomatic' and she wouldve like to have been given the choice. She knows he has had a negative PCR test, and is not unwell, but is really being OTT about it. But talking about me in a real 'mum-shaming' way as her way is always the best way. Friend 2 tries to say maybe she just needs to slow down a bit, and friend 1 launches into a bit of an attack saying that i dont think of things to do and i'm just a 'void'. I stand there and listen to her spew bitterness about me, and this is the first i have heard of her feelings. At this point im so anxious after the previous few days, i wait for her to see me standing there, and say 'Hi". To be fair she did have a look on her face like her a*se had fallen out. I confronted it immediately and said i didnt know that she felt that way, and that i knew something was wrong. She immediately went on the defensive and saying i was irresponsible, it was HER week off next week and SHE didnt want to get a cold. I ended up getting tearful at this point and just felt unwelcome as she said she wanted to keep her distance. I was very upset. She came upstairs straight away and apologised and said she is sometimes selfish as she just has to look after herself and kids and can be quite cold. However i found it to be veiled as i wasnt ready to speak to her at that point, i was too upset, and she said things like "i know youre finding it hard without DH, but i feel like that every day" and "I dont know why youre worried about keeping up with us, we havent DONE anything" and other non apology type language. I told her that she needed to control everything and that i needed to be allowed to be imperfect, and that i was having a tough time. We had a hug, but the rest of the eveneing i just felt awful, however i put on a brave face as i didnt want to spoil the atmosphere- something she didnt seem to be bothered about. I felt betrayed she had bitched behind my back, and not spoken to me about why she was annoyed, instead decided to make microagressions for 3 days and make me go crazy trying to figure out what i had done wrong. Pregnancy makes me very anxious and i just felt like i couldnt relax around her after this, and i would constantly be worrying if she was judging me or going to talk about me later. In the interests of my mental health and this was supposed to be a relaxing holiday, i decided to remove myself from the situation, and the unpleasantness the next day. I warned Friend 2 i was thinking about it the night before. Friend 1 came down early the next day and i told her i was thinking of leaving as i was still feeling really anxious about it- she absolutely blew up at me at this point, 0-60 anger really quickly and said i wanted to leave to make HER feel bad and to tell HER she was a nasty person. I just couldnt deal with the negtivity in my life at this point, and it cemented my decision to leave. My first pregnancy damn near killed me, and all i needed was an ounce of compassion from my friend, but instead i received active hostility and mum shaming. It was supposed to be a precious time and she chose to create drama and negativity in what was supposed to be a nice situation. I am sure i would not have reacted as anxiously or emotionally if i was not pregnant, but i am pregnant, she knew that, and she knew what it was like last time. I feel like she thinks that she wants everyone to suffer and bring everyone down to her level- its just not what i need from a friend!
I know some people have germ anxiety, and i know that she does. It is the WAY that she behaved that really bothered me, just not like a friend....I have now asked for space and i am going to take a step back for a while until she finds her way again. However, in her view, she apologised, so i should be able to shirk it and move on, and now i a being cruel. I just cant help that i found the atmosphere very distressing and i am still finding it difficult to deal with, with all of the other things going on. Plus i cry every 2 seconds! I'm now second guessing EVERY mum decision i make and have lost my confidence that i am a good mum and its really hit me to my core.
YANBU- I was sick, anxious, feeling vulnerable and pregnant and felt unnecessarily criticised and I left to protect my own mental health and remove myself from what i perceived to be a toxic situation.
AIBU- I should have stayed and toughed it out, made up with the friend and dragged myself through the last bit when all i was doing was worrying, going into my shell as I was worried about how she would react, when i just wanted to get home to my husband and go to sleep. Have i been too harsh? Will she be bitching about me saying im pregnant and hysterical, and not giving her another chance?