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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to source a gift

13 replies

GiveMe2PinaColadas · 03/08/2021 14:24

My brother emirated about 10 years ago and he is now settled with a beautiful partner. It's her birthday soon. My mom would like to get a gift for her. She wasn't organised in time to go shopping and put a parcel together. So she asked me to help her with online shopping. My mom has no technology or Internet skills. She really doesn't know how to use this kind of stuff. She was showed before to text and she did learn but then she forgot it again. She really is useless.

I had a quick look online for gift shops in my brothers locality. I wasn't having any luck. I thought there was nothing wrong with a florist and sending a bouquet but my mom didn't want to send flowers. She wanted to send a gift but she didn't know what. I had a look for some gift shops and I failed to find anything suitable. The place really isn't set up for online shopping. Some shops have an online presence but other shops just had an information page online. I was failing completely at this task but this wasn't my fault.

If somebody asked me where to go shopping for gifts in my home village and city, I would be able to list of 6 shops and other shops too. I wasn't able to find much shops for my mom to browse. Especially considering she had no idea what to get. There were some online gift shops but there were more geared towards tourists with kangaroo and koala toys and other nick nacks. I don't think that would be suitable for a gift for a birthday to an adult.

To make all of this worse, work was very demanding and I was away all weekend with work. It didn't appeal to me to go home after a long stint in work with little time off, to go trawling the net with my mother. I knowy mom so well. If I did find anything it will be like:

  • I don't like that
  • That's not suitable
  • That's not right
  • That's too expensive
  • I don't like it

She did it before. My mom got me to spend hours every evening to help her source what she had in her mind. It was a headbanging stuff.

While I was away over the course of the weekend I got a free patch of time, I did find a shop online. I browsed at the products and I read the information pages on delivery. I was reasonably pleased. I left it for a day. I was still away on Sunday night when right before going to sleep, I decided to eliminate the shit storm my mother will make when I return home and I placed an online order of some products. I picked out what I thought were lovely gift items - a handcare set with hand-wash (thinking of the increased hand hygiene with covid), a candle, and a few more other bits. I added gift wrapping and a gift note at the end and added our two names and paid for delivery.

I did this to eliminate the stress and the headache my mother will make for me this week. I wouldnt mind so much if I worked a normal 9 to 5 type of job and if I had some evenings free and available but I don't. I really don't have time to sit down for hours every evening in front of a laptop and make some magic out of the Internet with online shopping for my mother.

I finally made it home last night from my stint in work over the weekend. I told my mom that I got a present sorted for the sister in law and I left both our names to the gift and I told mom that she doesn't have to pay me a half towards the gift.

I woke up this morning and my mom wasn't talking to me. I can only presume her issue is that she's not happy that a gifted has been sorted and dispatched in time without her having a say.

WIBU to get this job done. My motive was to eliminate night after night after night of my mother getting me to make magic out of the Internet.

OP posts:
kazillionaire · 03/08/2021 14:50

Tell your mum to join a basic skills class if she doesn't like the gift, my mum is similar and now we ignore her moans and go ahead anyway :)

Tibtab · 03/08/2021 14:59

Sounds like she wants to manufacture some drama, you did the right thing!

Wishingwell75 · 03/08/2021 15:19

It's a shame your mum isn't happy because at the end of the day a present has been chosen, gift wrapped and sent - exactly the outcome your mum wanted!
Do you think your mum was actually wanting a way to spend time together with you? Or is it more of a control issue?
Also, would Amazon not have been a less stressful (if you don't have ethical reasons for using it, that is.) option for finding gifts of all descriptions?

GiveMe2PinaColadas · 03/08/2021 16:09

Thanks for the replies.

Going by online shopping sit downs with her, I think it's a control thing. There was an experience in the past of her wanting me to do online shopping for her and it was a nightmare. I firmly believe it is a control thing for her. Like she knew for months in advance of her nephews wedding a few years ago. She wanted me to help her with finding a dress online. I ordered her a dress that she liked and when it came she didn't like it and I was left to return it. There was multiple scenarios like this. Then eventually she settled on a dress but it was out of stock. About 3 times a week she wanted me to check the shop to see if its back in stock. She had me doing that for months without a care in the world for my own schedule or stresses in my life. Its definitely a control thing.

I thought of amazon but the issue is my mother doesn't know what she wants to get. Where do you start with that? You need to have some idea for amazon. Also thinking about my sister in law, she's more of an organic type of person and that's the route I went on. I am actually very pleased with what I found and got for her and I think she will like them. If she doesn't she can return them or regift them at Christmas time or any other occasion but I am happy with what I got her.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 03/08/2021 16:16

I think it is a bit unreasonable to go ahead and purchase it without her approval. But I totally understand why you did it and might well have done the same myself!

GiveMe2PinaColadas · 03/08/2021 16:48

I knew if I conferred with my mother with what I found, she would find some sort of fault with what I found and then we would be back to square one. She would have me spending hours on any free evening or night trawling the net to find a gift when she doesn't even know what she wants.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 03/08/2021 16:56

@GiveMe2PinaColadas

I knew if I conferred with my mother with what I found, she would find some sort of fault with what I found and then we would be back to square one. She would have me spending hours on any free evening or night trawling the net to find a gift when she doesn't even know what she wants.
That’s why I totally understand why you did it! Your mum is really unreasonable.

If you had a “reasonable” relationship with our mum you’d assert boundaries about how much you’re prepared to do for her. She’d accept those with good grace and you’d never feel like the only way to avoid being corralled into an activity you really don’t want to do is to order something in someone else’s name without an okay from them.

But you don’t have a reasonable relationship. While I think your life would probably be a lot better if you could find a way to assert boundaries with your mum, I can see why you did what you did and I don’t think you should feel bad about it.

NumberTheory · 03/08/2021 16:57

*your, not our!

DeathStare · 03/08/2021 17:35

Your mum was setting you up to have done something "wrong" at some point in this scenario - whether it was stopping looking before she wanted you to not finding the right item, finding the right item but it was out of stock.... or this.

You got your SIL anice fift you think she will like (check). You saved yourself a lot of time and hassle (check). You're happy. Your SIL will be happy. Your mum was never going to be happy. So this is the best result you were going to get.

Wishingwell75 · 03/08/2021 18:17

Yeah it's not really about the online shopping. It sounds like you could really do with some boundaries but did you say you live with your mum? It must be difficult if she's ready to find fault with you all the time. Is it a permanent set up or just temporary?

Howshouldibehave · 03/08/2021 18:25

My mom would like to get a gift for her. She wasn't organised in time to go shopping and put a parcel together. So she asked me to help her with online shopping

Reading what you have posted about your mum, I would have said no to this and told her to send your brother’s girlfriend some cash to choose something for herself.

ViciousJackdaw · 03/08/2021 19:09

YABVVU to 'source' a gift.
YANBU to have bought one though.

Cryalot2 · 03/08/2021 19:26

It does seem a control / drama thing.
Sadly there are people like that.
You did your best .
Some people can't be pleased.

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