Dilemma

[stayathomenightmare]

My ex dh, who likes to call himself super dad! is supposed to see our children every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend Friday- Sunday. There is no court order in place. He's never asked for more time.

More recently he's met someone who has 4 children and he's been helping her out a lot with her children. If there's an emergency with one of our children when he's with her he can't come and help as he's helping her. Fair enough I suppose.

In the last few months he's been making excuses as to why he can't have our children when it's his weekend. (He has a friend visiting and they want to go out, he's going to be away with his girlfriend and her children, or he's away with his girlfriend)

On the Wednesday night at least one of the children often want to come home from his house as they've argued with him or feel home sick so I can't plan anything for Wednesdays either.

I have offered to swap weekends around to accommodate his holidays etc but he declined.

He's missed the last 2 weekends with our children due to him being away and now plans to miss his next weekend with them as well. He casually dropped that into conversation today. The children don't seem too bothered about this as 2 are teenagers and find him difficult and have their own friends and the younger one is very clingy with me.

My dilemma is do I just suck it up and accept that I very very rarely have a child free day or night and therefore have very limited opportunities for dating or seeing friends. (I don't have family who would babysit and 2 of my children have autism so wouldn't manage a babysitter they didn't know very well)

Meanwhile he expects me to be constantly available to have the children when he's meant to be having them and I want to be available for them as I think the children need at least one stable and consistent parent!

I think I've answered my own question really as I can't make him have them but I do get resentful sometimes as I get tired and need a short break!

Anyone else had this and what did you do?

How is your relationship with him? Could you talk it out and say you would like more free time and if there can be more flexibility in both directions? Are the teens old enough to travel over and back themselves?

How old are the kids? Can they be left home alone?

Is there any reason why your teens cannot be left home alone for a couple of hours to allow you to date?

I used to also work over time and instead of taking the money I would take the day off so I could date during the day when they couldn't be left home alone.

And when I wanted to stay out for the night, reciprocal sleep overs.

I could try and talk to him but he's pretty selfish and his new partner is his priority at the moment. He's not an easy guy to get along with- even his friends have commented on that!

I can't leave the youngest alone and I can't leave the older 2 alone as my eldest has ASD and ADHD and can be volatile. I can occasionally leave dd13 with dd8 for short periods in the daytime to pop to the shop for example but only if DS15 is already out.

I don’t have a solution but just want to say that it must be very difficult and draining for you and I can understand completely how you feel compelled (and want to) put your children’s needs first. You are obviously a great mother in trying circumstances.

I think you know the answer, unfortunately. You can’t force him to have them and he sounds like he’s withdrawing. I see why he’s your ex.

The guilt tripping over your kids coming back to you when it's their dads turn would really piss me off. He should sort it out and you shouldn't even be involved.

Can you increase your csa claim if he has them fewer nights and occasionally not answer on a Wednesday if you tell the dc that you will be out so they don't worry about you. Ultimately though you can't make him want to spend more time with them.

Id keep a careful note of the nights you are child free for the purpose of cms. I dont think there is anything you can do about it without making the situation worse for your kids.