Parenting primary versus secondary kids

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/08/2021 21:36

In secondary my dc made their own choices about who /where but not when!!

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 21:37

Secondary they arrange their own meet ups with friends via whatsapp and you drop them off! Maybe brief squiz at the parents at the front door.

Very differenf!

Hissysnake · 02/08/2021 21:39

@wellthatsokthen

Aibu to wonder how parenting changes between primary and secondary school. In (our) primary school the mums seem hugely involved in setting up play dates and deciding who their children should and shouldn't be friends with. Parents seem very involved with the school, the playground, the other parents etc etc. Aibu to wonder what tends to happen when children go off to secondary school?

God, this sounds like blood hard work TBH. My primary age kids get dropped off at the gate and decide for themselves who they want to be friends with.

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 22:09

Onky just reread that bit.

You decided who they should be friends with!??!!? Great for those poor kids deemed unworthy hey?

RampantIvy · 02/08/2021 22:16

The culture is very different at state secondary school. There is very little to no parental involvement in the school at all. I specified state because a friend of mine has had three children at private school and there was much more parental involvement at her children's school.

The parents at private school even attended their DC's proms. I can't think of anything that DD would have liked less than to have us at her year 13 prom.

You don't get to meet other DC's parents (although, living rurally we did because lifts had to be arranged and I did manage to say hello to one or two, but you don't get the opportunity to make friends with other parents)

Original poster

wellthatsokthen · 02/08/2021 22:21

What about the mums who've invested so much in playground friendships and the school run...does it tend to fizzle out?

OP posts:

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 22:23

I've kept in contact with the ones I liked and saw outside of school anyway. But yes lots go by the wayside (like leaving a job I guess.)

Some keep in touch by facebook but I don't do social media.

RampantIvy · 02/08/2021 22:23

What about the mums who've invested so much in playground friendships and the school run...does it tend to fizzle out?

Yes, unless they become real friends rather than friendships of convenience.

Most secondary school children make their own way to school - walk or bus, so parents don't congregate outside the school like they do at primary school. Also any parents collecting children will be waiting in their cars.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 22:30

and deciding who their children should and shouldn't be friends with.
if you mean by socialising with the parents, surely it makes sense?

According to MN, parents are not involved at all in secondary.

In my own experience, adults friends still stick with friends and encourage friendships the same. It's not a random who is invited for the weekend or holidays, it's generally someone "approved" by the parents.

So obviously teens make their own friends, but tend to stick to the same social circles, despite what you read on MN.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 22:31

@wellthatsokthen

What about the mums who've invested so much in playground friendships and the school run...does it tend to fizzle out?

I am guessing by the way you describe them that you are not part of any group so you'll be fine

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 22:48

Eighty - is there not much mix up when yours go to secondary then? In our area lots of schools feed to a variety of secondaries. So my child has old friends from primary (who arent at secondary) but lots of new from secondary and we only really drop off and say hi to. I don't "know" them like the parent friends I had at primary.

Also most the parent friends I had from primary were made early on , and children often change friends so they are my friends now, not nec the children still best friends!

My kids went to whoevers party they were invited to/playdates and we invited who they wanted over to play.

We absolutely didn't "approve" friendships! That really doesn't seem right. What are you trying to gain from that?

My experience was obviously different from yours!

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 22:59

is there not much mix up when yours go to secondary then?

there is, but kids still belong to sports clubs and a lot of them keep in touch, even when they got split between 3 schools - and various classes inside the school.

It's pretty obvious how holidays, days out and weekends away are arranged, and I am happy to let my kids go when I know the parents, I wouldn't send a 12 yo with a complete stranger.

We absolutely didn't "approve" friendships! That really doesn't seem right. What are you trying to gain from that?
It's your role as a parent to ensure your kids are with the right people! Why do people spend so much to live near good school and move to certain areas in the first place?
It's not about forcing kids together, but when they get on, you naturally spend more time with parents that you like?

Some parents around me are very strict , I am not as it happens, but I am not blind.

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 23:02

The parents I'm friends with I socialise with without my kids often as they have moved on!

And no I didn't make sure theycare with the "right people." Is this some weird social climbing thing? Do you think they will catch poor? I guess at least its honest.... only on mumsnet.

GetTaeFuck · 02/08/2021 23:05

Fuck knows, and I have a child in Y9. I only do the school run twice a week, the other times I’m working and they get dropped off at breakfast club and collected from after school club. Been this way for years.

Never been one for play dates etc, I have friends with DC that my DC get along with, we go to school friends birthday parties but play dates? Nope

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 23:11

@GiantToadstool

The parents I'm friends with I socialise with without my kids often as they have moved on!

And no I didn't make sure theycare with the "right people." Is this some weird social climbing thing? Do you think they will catch poor? I guess at least its honest.... only on mumsnet.

you are misunderstanding. I am not climbing anything. I am quite comfortable where I am.

It would be very hypocritical to pretend that every parent who moved in the catchment of the local schools (and the majority did move, and for exactly the same reasons), hypocritical to pretend they didn't want a certain background for their kids. What's wrong with that?

Bagamoyo1 · 02/08/2021 23:17

When my kids were in primary I threw myself into the whole thing (job permitting). I chatted to parents in the playground, I had kids back to the house, I helped with PTA stuff, I became friendly with my kids’ friends’ parents etc. It was all good.
By the time my youngest left primary I was well and truly ready to say goodbye to all of that.

My kids now go to school on the bus. I see the parents of their friends briefly in passing when dropping or collecting the kids if they’ve been out. I have their numbers and contact them if arrangements require it, but I don’t chat to them much.
I’ve kept in touch with a few primary parents - the ones I got on particularly well with - but the vast majority are now just people I’d say hello to if we passed in the street.
I’d say my situation is fairly common.

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 23:18

Bagamoyo pretty much the same here :)

LotLessBovver · 02/08/2021 23:20

At DD's primary school it's a case of dropping them off and picking them up at the correct times. There's no micro-managing of friendships or arranging 'play dates'. Outside of school the children tend to play with whichever children they live nearest to or who happen to be in the park at the same time. By Yr 6 most children walk to & from school without parents.

At secondary school most children walk to school with their friends. The only times you see other parents are at special events or parents evenings. Children generally make their own arrangements to meet up with their friends and most are within walking distance of each other.

RampantIvy · 02/08/2021 23:26

Pretty much the same here as well @Bagamoyo1.

BackforGood · 02/08/2021 23:26

Well, I don't recognise the way you describe Primary school friendships, from any experience I have had with any of my dc, nor from decades of teaching.

Secondary is completely hands off though.

GiantToadstool · 02/08/2021 23:28

BackForGood. I'm so relieved. I was beginning to wonder if eightyfours experience was more usual!

elliejjtiny · 02/08/2021 23:34

My dc's secondary school has a facebook page run by the school so there is always a bit of chat going on there, along with the "are 9R cooking tomorrow or Wednesday?" or "has anyone's dc taken my dc's football boots by mistake?" I am friends with a couple of the mums from primary still as well.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 23:36

@BackforGood

Well, I don't recognise the way you describe Primary school friendships, from any experience I have had with any of my dc, nor from decades of teaching.

Secondary is completely hands off though.

despite the many, many threads complaining that a parent feels their child is left out because they are not "friends" with the parents themselves?

Really?

I don't buy it for a minute

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 02/08/2021 23:45

From year 6 onwards, my kids sorted themselves out in terms of friends and going out. They had phones so no need for much parental input. I give them lifts to places, make sure I know where they are and they text me if plans change. I’m still in touch with a couple of mums from primary but most I never seen or heard from once my kids left primary school. We weren’t friends, just parents with kids in the same class. No involvement with the actual secondary school apart from parents evenings, sending in things for collections, cakes for McMillan coffee mornings etc. Kids seem happy to get on with it.

rantymcrantface66 · 02/08/2021 23:48

Ime the parent friendships fizzle out at the same rate the parent involvement for play dates does/ when the dc fall out or move etc. Dd is in her last year of primary and it's pretty non existent between anyone now. We used to do group park meet ups, nights out etc. It's a natural progression not any falling out or hard feelings