To keep making plans on these days on purpose.

[GreatBigThunder]

My husband has a habit of treating me a bit like his babysitter when it comes to my 3 DSC.

He and his ex have a pretty flexible approach to contact which is fine except in the holidays where I feel I never know what's going on and also makes it hard for him to take time off work.

I am self employed and have quite a bit of free time but I'm sick of him assuming that means I'm just available whenever he agrees to have the DC over, especially in the holidays when that means he goes off to work and I'm left all day with DSC to look after. They are old enough to in the main entertain themselves (8, 11 and 13) but it still means I can't really go out anywhere and so on.

So now when he keeps informing me that DSC are staying on X or Y day, I keep telling him sorry I have plans. Even if I don't, or I'll try and make plans after I know what days.

I'm sick of being taken for granted when it comes to this. If their parents want to be flexible that's absolutely fine but it seems that even though I have no say in that, it's my time he expects to be flexible with.

He'll notice eventually that it's every time and it'll start to wear I imagine. But AIBU to carry on doing this until he gets the hint!

I don't mind helping out but I expect to be informed with enough notice to plan my own time not just dropped on.

Helping out occasionally for a few hours is one thing but you wouldn’t catch me being a free babysitter at short notice. Keep making your own plans and let them figure it out between themselves.

I’d do exactly what you’re doing, it’s really arrogant of him to assume your time is his to allocate!

I thought contact time was for him to see his own children?

Have you told his straight out how you feel and that you have no intention of allowing him to unilaterally allocate your time to babysitting duties?

Have you spoken to him about it yet?
I wonder if a direct approach is better “you keep assuming I will provide care child whenever you arrange for the children to come. I’m not happy with that. If you need me for childcare you need to ask me first and I’ll let you know if I can do it (or obviously say you don’t want to provide childcare at all if that’s the case”.

I think direct and honest is the best approach initially.

Oh to add I wouldn’t make plans just to not have the kids. I’d only make plans if I wanted to. You should be able to say no to having the kids without having to justify why you can’t (eg without having to alternative plans)

Personally I think that's entirely reasonable in your circumstances.

However, I'm sure the "step mothers are all witches brigade" will be here shortly though. You are brave to do this AIBU.

Oh yes we've had the conversation before and he says things like well just let me know if you're going out and I'll sort something. He seems to think if I'm in anyway it doesn't matter.

He can't be flexible if his work doesn't allow it - at least without asking you first. It's just rude!

OP please come back and let us know when he gets the message!

@Whatinthelord

Oh to add I wouldn’t make plans just to not have the kids. I’d only make plans if I wanted to. You should be able to say no to having the kids without having to justify why you can’t (eg without having to alternative plans)

I don't actually mind tbh. I've been doing it the past couple weeks and I've seen a lot more of my friends and family than I have done recently which has been quite nice and has given me the excuse not to put it off! 😃 But no if I really didn't want to make plans I wouldn't.

YANBU, it is common courtesy to discuss with you in advance, I would be pretty miffed if my DH did this with our joint children e.g. if a day he was going to be doing childcare and he got asked to go out for the day - I would expect him to check I was free before saying yes. I would do the same to him. The answer would nearly always be yes, but it is the principle of asking, not just assuming.

@GreatBigThunder

Oh yes we've had the conversation before and he says things like well just let me know if you're going out and I'll sort something. He seems to think if I'm in anyway it doesn't matter.

So tell him it does matter.

“You assume If I am in that I am willing to do childcare, but I’m not. I won’t be looking after them again unless you have asked and I have agreed in advance”

Then stick to it if he tries to dump the kids on too last minute.

YADNBU.

You shouldn’t adjust your work around HIS DC.

I don’t adjust my work around my own DC, tbh.

To be fair I'm not really adjusting my work. I do have a lot of free time, my work is very part time really and I tend to do a lot of it in the evening and always have.

There are loads of things I would say yes to if asked, that I say no to if treated rudely. The issue is not what he is 'asking' you to do, it is that he is not asking you at all, but assuming.

The fact your work is PT is not the point, he's rude.

Surely the whole point is for the children to spend time with their dad? Not their stepmother? I don’t blame you at all!

I think you’re being entirely fair. Time when you’re not working isn’t necessarily free time- it’s perfectly reasonable that you would make plans for then and it’s not ok for your partner to assume you will automatically look after his kids.

If something happened to change the current arrangement- you and he split up or you got a different job that took you out of the home more, I wonder how flexible the contact between him and his ex would be?

YANBU

It’s really inconsiderate of him to always assume you’ll cover childcare

If he’s arranging to have the kids he needs to arrange appropriate childcare or take time off work

YANBU, but you would do better to just tell the CF to pack it in and that it is NOT fair enough if you happen to be at home.

Thanks. Seems another conversation is in order. I do like the idea of continuing to do this for a while though to see him scramble to make other arrangements so he gets it!

YANBU at all!!!!!

If he wants you to watch them he needs to arrange that with you not drop them on you!

YANBU, but I think you're wrong to assume he'll just pick up on the hint over time. Even better to tell him you're unavailable because you'll be busy enjoying some free time!!

He's taking the piss