Parenting Adult Child with a sibling

[StMichaels1979]

As background information I am single, suffer with a painful condition and have zero self confidence
My children are grown up and have children of their own.
If one of my children tell me something eg they are buying a house, or are trying for a baby I don’t tell the other child as I think it’s their information to tell….. but I feel regularly criticised by another family member when I won’t tell them what has been said and instead say for them to ask the my adult child themselves…. Likewise when I am asked for my child’s boyfriend’s cell number I don’t give it out because they can contact them through their work if their is an emergency and likewise I think my daughters boyfriend should give their number if they want to. I might be pathetic but I just want to know if I am right or wrong as my self confidence is at rock bottom

I think YANBU , unless your child tells you specifically to pass that information on, then it's not your place to tell everyone

Just sounds really awkward tbh.

In our house mum was the one who heard everything and then we'd hear some things from her, unless it was sensitive information. She could definitely keep a confidence and knew not to pass some things on. As regards the phone number, I would be like you. I always ask the owners permission before passing on their number.

You do what you feel comfortable with. If anyone criticises you then tell them you aren't in the habit of relaying other people's information.

Oh I wish my MIL was more like you!

People don't like to feel others are 'with-holding' information though, so although I think you really are doing the best thing, I'd try to work on ways of being a bit vague, or changing the subject without people realising. Lots of distraction techniques would be good here.

Also, remember someone's criticism doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong, it just means they're not getting what they want out of you!

My mum is the same as you unless I’ve said to tell people and I like that she lets me share my news and doesn’t tell everyone my business

My mum tells everyone everything - no secrets privacy in our family. Everyone knows about my health issues. Tbh, it would be nice to not have everything discussed and to tell people myself what I want them to know

I think there's a line - moving house is public knowledge so it would be passed on, TTC private and so wouldn't be. I would imagine most families work similarly.

It depends what the other person would want you to do. If you've just made everyone's life harder by refusing to hand over a number when the person would have wanted you to share their number then YABU it's just gonna come across as unnecessarily awkward refusing to be helpful.

If your kid didn't want you sharing their pregnancy news for them then YANBU

I agree.
My mum gets angry with me when I don’t tell her things about her granddaughter (my adult daughter) or her great-grandchildren.
I don’t think personal or sensitive information is mine to pass on.
Of course I will tell her day to day stuff, but not anything that my daughter may not want to be shared.

I operate in the same way as you, OP. Sometimes I'm maybe too careful, but rather than than tell something that was intended to be private, or that one DD would have preferred to share with the other herself.

If one of yours feels left out of information, simply explain that.

I pass on trivial things but anything that might be confidential I would keep quiet.
A phone number I would message person and say "X wants your number is it ok to give it?"

@TulipsTwoLips

Also, remember someone's criticism doesn't necessarily mean you are in the wrong, it just means they're not getting what they want out of you!

This, ^^ 100% this.

I always check with my adult dcs if they mind me passing on personal info. Stuff like new jobs, moving house I'd mention without asking permission. But for example one of mine has a health condition and I always check they're ok with me telling granny about latest appointment.

It sounds like unnecessarily hard work tbh. If something is not for sharing, the. I make that clear when telling somebody. Otherwise people talk about other people, and that’s ok and normal.

My relationship with my mum has really suffered over the years as she's not like you. Rarely was anything not relayed to my sister because she HAD to pass it on, even though it was none of her business (I'd tell her if she needed to know) and mum knew she'd quiz me on all the details regardless of how uncomfortable this made me. (I was close to a panic attack during one such inquisition.) Occassionally mum has waited to tell her (pregnancy news) but would ask every day if I'd told anyone else so that she could tell my sister.

I know why my mum's like this, she's scared of my sister and she thinks she's entitled to know, but I'd like to think I was entitled to privacy. Consequently I've told my mum little of importance over the last ten years. There are times I would have loved to be able to talk to her but it's not worth the risk.

Keep doing what you're doing and let the nosy parker dig elsewhere for gossip.

Yanbu. If I tell my mum something I don’t expect her to broadcast it to my siblings.

Unless specifically asked to keep quiet/secret, I would expect a free exchange of info between my Mum and siblings. We are a very open family though which doesn’t suit everyone. My Mum not telling me my sibling was moving house would feel very strange.

I think you have the right attitude. Your children are adults and it’s up to them to decide who knows what. Also it’s up to your children who has their phone numbers.

I remember my brother’s ex-girlfriend blurting something out about me in front of members of her family who I didn’t know very well. The only person who knew about that something was my mum and I’d specifically told her NOT to tell anyone. I did challenge her on it but as usual didn’t get an apology. I never told her anything again until absolutely necessary and now we’re non contact so she doesn’t get to know anything now.

I agree with you, op. I’m a very private person by nature and I don’t like people talking about me or passing on info about me. I have a sister who thinks she is entitled to know everything about everyone in the family and age gets very offended when she does find out something that others have known before her. Whenever anyone in the family shares news with her, her first response is “who else knows?” and then she rings that person to ask when they were told and by whom. I find her sense of entitlement infuriating and it’s one of the many reasons I no longer have anything to do with her.

It just depends really.

Pregnancy ? Then no its not your news to share. That they have booked a week away in October half term? Thats just chit chat.

No YANBU
If other people wanted certain information shared with other family members they'd obviously share it themselves.
If your daughters boyfriend wanted anyone else to have his number surely he would of already of given them it.
Next time someone asks, send their number over to the BF's by text & let him know who's number it is and that they want to get in touch with him and then it's up to him what he does with it.
The best thing to do is be a confident for any of your children & their partners and if anyone asks you anything about each other play dumb and pretend you know nothing & it's all new news to you also 🤷🏻‍♀️

I come from a big family. My mum was amazing at keeping stuff to herself. It meant we felt safe telling her things knowing it would go no further. We all admire her for it. Sometimes we joke about it when we realise she has genuinely told no one even if she must have been bursting to say something. It was one of her greatest traits especially as we all visited regularly so she heard a lot!!
Could you get one sentence that you say each time
Eg..you know me l don't pass things on. No explanation needed.
That dd should be grateful to know her business is safe with you if she chooses to confide in you. Make no apologies. You are doing fine.

I think there’s some middle ground here. Obviously a pregnancy or personal issue is something I wouldn’t share. However if my DB asked how DS’s job was going or if he had plans to move etc then I’d share. It’s just family news.

If you are uncertain then just ask if it’s news to be shared or not?

Although my own DP were shocking about sharing news that they’d been expressly asked to keep confidential so we just kept that sort of stuff quiet.

I have a lovely neighbour who said once that 'It's not my story to tell' - a phrase I now use when I'm not sure about being too revealing...