To only be able to remember the bad things...

[DoxRa]

Hello,

Disclaimer I have name changed for this as I don't want it being linked to my main account and I've posted in AIBU as users are more straight the the point here and I didn't want to post in bereavement as people are grieving there and this post may be disrespectful.

My dad died in March, he was 79 years old and died of natural causes. In general he was a nice man at least that's what everyone who met him would tell you and he was mostly nice to me, he would do everything for me that I asked and he would try and help me the best he could but he did and said some really vile things which are:

• He was very money orientated, when I lived at home and had a part time job and actually even when I had a full time job he'd take the majority of my wages. Later in life he'd get me to take out loans taking the majority of them and then still saying I owed him money for things (such as him picking up the milk on the way to my house). I've actually had to default on the last loan he made me get, ruining my credit score because circumstances have changed.

• When I was thirteen I was sexual assaulted and I told him and he said something along the lines of "we've all done it, it's just part of being a young lad" and then when I was in an abusive relationship at 15-18 and it ended he said he liked the lad and could understand him hitting me as I did have an attitude.

• He forced me to get an abortion at 20, which to be fair turned out to be a good decision but he just shouted at me, sulked etc didn't have an adult conversation with me and just left me feeling like I had no choice.

• When I got pregnant again at 25 with my husband in my own house, he said well you better get up to the hospital and get rid of it - I later miscarriage and he said good.

• I got pregnant again and all through my pregnancy he told me how I'd be a bad mum and that the baby deserves better and I should have had an abortion.

• He constantly berated my husband, I'm honestly surprised he stayed with me, I guess he saw that my dad wasn't my fault but he was horrible to him, even to the point my aunt said "why do you let him speak to you like that?"

These are just the examples I can think of on the top my head. I feel so guilty thinking and feeling this way though as I thought he was a good dad and now all this has come back and I think it's a defence mechanism as if my brain is trying to paint him in a bad light so I don't feel as bad about his death but it makes me feel worse and then I also believe the things he said about me being a bad mum despite doing the best I can with my baby.

I don't know if it's normal to feel this way and wondered if anyone could explain why or if they've felt like this before.

Thank you for reading, I needed to write it down.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your dad and I’m even more sorry for the awful things he said and did to you. Your response to his death is absolutely reasonable and normal. I think you might benefit from counselling to talk this all through.

Yes, I think you're right and that might be a good option. I just feel so guilty for thinking and feeling this way.

I feel really guilty for posting this like he'll know somehow, sorry to come back to it if anyone reads this, I guess it's just somewhere to write.

You haven’t done anything wrong and you’ve no reason to feel guilty. Nobody here knows who you are and your experiences are your own and real.

He won't know. You're the one that needs to reconcile your feelings about him and feel no guilt so you can live your life for yourself, not stuck on this past. Counselling could really help with the process.

I was similar when my Mum died. I loved her but she could be very difficult, very much two sides to her, one loving, one very critical. It’s been a long time now but I had counselling last year about some stuff that reared it’s ugly head.

I found myself remembering all the awful stuff she said or did (not on the same level as your Dad). I had some counselling, after we had established a positive counsellor/client relationship, the therapy included doing some regression work where my counsellor got me to imagine putting my adult self in between my child self and my Mum, protecting my child self. It’s really helped me put some of the stuff behind me. Grief is complicated, especially when the dynamic was unhealthy. I think counselling could really help you.

He did fail to protect you in critical moments, and he used you financially, so you are in your full right to dislike this about him.
He may have been good in many ways, but surely he was short in his appreciation of you as a woman, and financially abusive to you.
You will need to allow yourself to be angry with him. It sounds like you did not at the time, and now these feelings are rushing in.
Let yourself fell it, grieve it. Counselling is a good idea.
But do jot feel guilty, this was not your blame. I am sure if this would happen to you now, you would call the police yourself and report your aggressor. You would never ask for any loan for him, at all. Would not pay more than a fair rent. And would not allow anyone to tell you you are a bad mother, or to insult your husband. Work on your assertiveness OP. Now you are free of all this. He got away with it because he was your father, and had a great position of power over you. But now, you are the one in charge to protect yourself, your family.

Shit. That's really tough. I wish I could say something comforting. I think you should ask your GP for counselling. In some areas you can self refer. I hope you find peace xx