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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of maternity leave?

47 replies

sofiegiraffe · 02/08/2021 11:17

I'll start by saying I love my baby very, very much. She was very much planned and wanted.

Some days on maternity leave are great - we go to baby groups or I meet up with other mums etc and we have a lovely day. Sometimes when my DP is off work we have a lovely little family day out. But these days are few and I'm starting to get really fed up. Some days are just so lonely and monotonous and find myself wondering where my identity has gone. As much as I love being a mummy, I equally miss the mental stimulation my job provided; I miss adult conversation and having a life outside of being "mummy".

I don't want to put my baby into childcare just yet (she's only 4 months old), and my original plan was to go back to work when she was 10 months. But I honestly don't think I have another 6 months of this left in me. I feel so awful for saying that. I'm just craving some balance - I want cuddles with my baby and fun family times, of course I do - but I also want my other life back at the same time.

Am I being unreasonable to consider cutting my maternity leave short?

OP posts:

Danikm151 · 02/08/2021 13:00

I had these feelings.
As a single mom on maternity during covid I was going loopy.
Only saw my mom and baby’s dad. No baby classes/no swimming/no days out.

Once he got older things improved and I marvelled at all the amazing things my tiny human was doing but I was ready for the mental stimulation of work.

SpringRainbow · 02/08/2021 13:03

I went through a period of grief for my old life after my first.

I loved my baby, I loved being a mum, I loved our family.

However looking at pictures or remembering memories or anything about my life pre baby would just leave me with this overwhelming sense of loss.

I used to quite hate how all of a sudden I was constantly referred to as so and so’s mummy. If I bumped into someone (even if I didn’t have the baby) they would always ask after the baby.

I just missed being me, I missed being able to just leave the house, I missed work, I missed lay ins. I really missed being able to just sit down. I fact I still miss a lot of this.

However, I don’t feel the overwhelming sense of loss anymore. As children get older you get more ‘rewards’ in parenting.

At 4 months old, baby are quite boring to be frank. As they get older their personalities shine through, they become more interactive, they become more independent. These things also help you to regain parts of your old self again.

It’s really early days so be kind to yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting time for yourself.

So, do whatever it is that makes you feel like your old self, and try not to let ‘mum guilt’ take hold.

eightyfourandahalf · 02/08/2021 13:04

All I've ever known is working full time and my hobbies, so this is very, very different all of a sudden.

I am guessing your hobbies are not compatible with taking a baby with you. Could you still do them once your partner is home and taking care of the baby?

It helps if you get rid of chores, look after your baby, chill out a bit but have something to look forward to - and get ready for.

The beauty of a 4 months old is that there's very little effort in entertaining them. You can get on with things, talk to them, listen to music, take them out to see different things, but they don't escape, don't destroy the place.

It's hard because you are still recovering and many babies don't let you have much sleep! (some do.. some parents are lucky. I had both kind!)

Disneyblue · 02/08/2021 13:09

I don't think some people quite understand the meaning of being 'bored'. It doesn't necessarily mean you're sat around all day doing nothing not knowing what to do.
It can mean you are doing an awful lot, but none of things you are doing are particularly exciting. You can be very busy but still bored.

OP sounds like you need to do things you want to do. Babies that young are easily pleased. Go do some window shopping, go places you want to go. Your baby will be happy enough looking about.

GrandTheftWalrus · 02/08/2021 13:12

I hated mat leave with my 1st. I was bored and lonely and it was winter so cold and dark as well. When she turned 4/5 months it was better as she was learning new things etc and I found I didn't want to go back to work.

This time on mat leave I'm not bored as I have the older one to entertain while baby sleeps.

NotWanting · 02/08/2021 13:15

I went back to work 2 days a week when DC was 5.5 months.

The balance was amazing because I looked forward to spending lots of time with baby and going into work.

I was a better parent because of it.

Greenrubber · 02/08/2021 13:19

You can get those running buggies also OP
I know my friends husband would take his baby out for runs

I'm not sure if there is an age restriction with them tho but might be worth looking into

LizS16 · 02/08/2021 13:22

Oh I can so relate to this! They really do get more interesting I promise!!

welshweasel · 02/08/2021 13:23

I went back to work full time when mine were 4 months and 5.5 months. Worked well for us. I didn’t hate maternity leave but I missed my job and financially it made sense for me to return.

welshweasel · 02/08/2021 13:24

The bits of mat leave I enjoyed were hanging out with friends, going hill walking with baby in the sling, going for nice pub lunches, afternoon Prosecco in friends gardens.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 02/08/2021 13:25

I was bored on mat leave, and I stand by the word. I wasn't idle - my baby was high fucking maintenance and needed attention all the time - but care of a small baby is menial and monotonous. I didn't really get anywhere with making mum friends on my first mat leave (my second was quite different) and I found myself making up errands and doing them in as inefficient a way as possible just to break the day up. That was when I knew it was time to go back to work.

snowy0wl · 02/08/2021 13:25

I think the posters who are saying “just take the baby with you” don’t fully understand. If the OP is like me they will crave time when they can totally switch off from “Mum mode”. Yes, I can meet a friend for coffee with my baby, but I will have nappies, feeding and other baby-related responsibilities constantly in the back of my mind and conversation can be bitty. I much prefer going baby-free so that I can completely switch off for an hour or two.

MollysMummy2010 · 02/08/2021 13:26

I understand op I felt the same and went back at 5 months full time. DC is nearly 12 now and we have a great relationship (mostly!).

lightlysparkling · 02/08/2021 13:45

Young babies are pretty boring. There's not a lot of mental stimulation in feeding and sleeping and bouncing and housework. You can love them but still find them dull.

However my toddler is a bloody whirlwind. So much personality and fun and ridiculousness. It gets more interesting!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/08/2021 13:48

Hi OP

I'd consider sharing paternity leave, gets some normal life back without the guilt of putting a very young baby in nursery!

MotherOfCrocodiles · 02/08/2021 13:49

If you want to go back to work, do!

Lots of people go back at 6 months. Probably this would save you money and could even mean you could afford to work fewer days when you go back, if that is an option for your employer

It's worth considering that you are probably getting a biased sample of responses due to posting during work hours.

Puppysharness · 02/08/2021 13:50

If you want to go back to work, do! Women in other countries (eg: USA) rarely take more than 4 months of leave. Their babies are fine. Mummy guilt-trippers can see themselves out.

crikey456 · 02/08/2021 14:01

I felt exactly the same as you after my first. I found it all so boring and draining.

I had booked the year off, so I took the full year but I can't even explain to you how chuffed I was on my first day back at work. Everyone was tiptoeing around me thinking I would be upset. I had to hide my joy.

That sounds so awful, but it was true. With Hindsight, I realise I hadn't bonded with my baby at all and that's why I was trying to get away (not suggesting this is the same for you at all).

But yes, I would cut it short if that is how you feel. It is exhausting and at times extremely boring. You get a sense of who you are again once you return to work. It is lovely being mum at hone but also still being you at work.

Helendee · 02/08/2021 15:02

OP don’t you think you’re expecting too much, too soon?
It takes ages to adapt to a new lifestyle and it’s normal to grieve for what you feel you have lost but this period in your child’s life is over so quickly, just hang in there, your freedom will return.
It’s not all wine and roses going back to work when your child is in nursery, they pick up every bug imaginable as they adapt to being with other children and it’s almost always the mum who has to take time off to care for them when they’re poorly.

LannieDuck · 02/08/2021 20:04

Totally get the tedium of small children, even though you love them completely. I was desperate to get back to work after mine.

Definitely look into DH taking some parental leave. I wish many more couples would consider it.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 02/08/2021 20:28

Another one saying maybe look into shared parental leave, you can split it into blocks so you get some of the time in a few months when they're older and doing more. Financially it can work out well also, my partner gets four months full pay with his company for example

BlithePilgrim · 02/08/2021 20:32

@sofiegiraffe

I don't really understand how can be bored unless they are at work, and how anyone has time to be bored, but each to their own.

I didn't use the word "bored", someone else did. It's not the right word to describe how I feel. I certainly don't spend every waking moment of my day thinking "god this is so dull, get me back to work". Not even close. I love some of the things I get to do with my baby - especially the baby classes, they're really fun. I'm just missing my pre baby identity, that's all. I find the lack of variety and balance to my life a little difficult. All I've ever known is working full time and my hobbies, so this is very, very different all of a sudden.

That’s absolutely natural, especially if you love your work. I went back at six months, and was immediately far happier. DS throve at a wonderful childminder.

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