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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my children had grandparents?

25 replies

lonelyparent · 02/08/2021 10:11

My partner and I have 2 children (one is just a baby). We have no grandparents on either side (well, none that are actively involved either because they are deceased, too far away geographically, or just plain uninterested). The only family members who are interested in being around are my siblings (partners siblings are uninterested), and they live miles away with children of their own so travel for them (and us) isn't always easy. I feel so sad and empty when I see other mums with their own parents gushing over their grandchildren. I want this so much and I feel like my children are missing out. It honestly feels like everyone has this and I don't sometimes. Sorry for the pity post. Is anyone else in the same situation?

OP posts:

JustTheOneThankYou · 02/08/2021 10:49

Similar here, although in our case our parents are all passed on, my mum died when I was pregnant. We live miles away from family too, so dd only occasionally gets to see uncles/aunts/cousins. I grew up with no grandparents and remember being so jealous of friends with actively involved gps, and now see dd having similar feelings when her friends talk about going to see gps, having holidays or days out with them. It is what it is though, I feel sad for dd (and myself) but can’t change reality. It is hard seeing large family groups, cousins playing together, when we only get to do that a couple of times a year. I try and encourage her friendships instead, especially as she is an only child.

jellyfrizz · 02/08/2021 11:58

I didn’t know any of my grandparents (they all died before I was born).

It never bothered me at all as a child.

Panickingpavlova · 02/08/2021 12:37

Op I have felt such pain for a long time and mine did have gp on one side but unfortunately they are awful.
Not all gp are great unfortunately.... Mil was utterly peculiar with them and certainly didn't gush over the them or say anything nice at all to then or about them, and certainly not to dh or I.

Not all gp are sweet and caring.

Your dc will have other blessings in thier lives though I'm sure..

drpet49 · 02/08/2021 12:42

@ jellyfrizz stating they obvious. You don’t miss what you never had.

OP I feel for you. Such a shame there are living grandparents who are not interested.

AFS1 · 02/08/2021 12:45

Yes. In-laws live too far away and are too vulnerable for us to see often. My dad and his wife are completely disinterested and hard work. What makes it harder is I know how involved my mum would have been in our children’s lives. They would have almost had a 2nd home with her. Probably would have driven me mad at times, but they would have had the most amazing relationship and she would have provided childcare, holiday breaks, sleepovers which the kids (and us!) would have loved. It makes me grieve her all over again when I think what our kids have lost out on by never knowing her.

Cominghome1230 · 02/08/2021 12:48

Same here. No nice family live locally. The ones that do, we avoid as much as possible as they aren't nice people, so our kids will never experience fun days with cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. I would love for it to be different .

CMOTDibbler · 02/08/2021 12:56

When he was younger, my ds certainly did miss what he'd never had - grandparents coming to school plays/ sports, the blasted grandparents day at school, seeing other kids out with their grandparents, people talking about going and staying with their grandparents, even just other kids getting pocket money and treats from theirs and we had tears on more than one occasion about it

Lcachu · 02/08/2021 13:24

I never had grandparents growing up. As a child I was envious of my friends who had grandparents.

But now as an adult I don't have to go through the heartache of seeing them deteriorate in old age. It's also made my immediate family the closest family I know (my siblings and parents and I have such a close relationship because it's always only ever been us) we all have each other and that's been more than enough for us

Maray1967 · 02/08/2021 13:50

The GP that would have been fantastic with my DC and my niece & nephew is the one who is long dead. My brother and I both feel very sad about this.
It is what it is. The others have helped out at times and in their own way, but MIL still thinks DCwho is 13 likes sandwiches that he did when he was 2. They don’t know who their friends are or much about them at all.
My GP (parents of my mum) were wonderful with me, DB and cousins and I do feel sad that mine have not had that. It has made me reflect on what it is to be a GP. I only saw mine at half terms as they lived 80 miles away but they had us to stay in the summer and made an effort to come to school events when they were visiting. DGM knew everything that I liked to eat and I loved her so much. It isn’t about weekly visits as we didn’t have that growing up, and it’s not about money as they didn’t have a lot, it’s about bothering when you do visit and actually knowing your grandkids. If I am fortunate enough to be a GP I will do my best to model my DGP’s behaviour.

saffronfreezing · 02/08/2021 13:55

There will be people out there who would love to spoil them. I would consider approaching a charity helping elderly people and ask if there is anyone who would appreciate a meet up.

cadburyegg · 02/08/2021 14:00

My mum is a very involved GP and people often comment how envious they are of the help she provides me. Similar to how I often wish that I had a partner, or siblings, or that my children had cousins. No one has everything

Minimoan · 02/08/2021 14:09

This charity may be a good idea ... for now and the future ... enhancing both your children's lives and an elderly person's life? Just a thought ...
adoptagrandparent.org.uk/home/

ParkheadParadise · 02/08/2021 14:19

When I had dd1 I was very young. My parents were a massive part of dd1's life, I still lived with them at the time.
When I had dd2, 23 years later my dad was dead and my mum had dementia.
Sadly dd1 died when I was 7 months pregnant with dd2.
I can still remember taking dd2 to the care home to see my mum. She asked whose baby it was when I told her repeatedly it was mine she said * Fuck Sake your awful old to be having a wean 😂😂😂😂😂 I was 38 She loved spending time with her she thought it was me and called her by my name. She died when dd2 was 2.

Noodledoodledoo · 02/08/2021 14:31

I understand your feelings, I lost my mum 17 years ago and she would have been a fab Grandma, my PIL's are indifferent last saw MIL Christmas 2017, FIL now passed away but he met my youngest just once in May 2017.

My Dad is fab but 5 hours drive away so not easy to see.

I get the envy, and struggle with it a lot, especially as my in laws show zero interest in them at all, its quite telling I need to explain who they are a lot!

Do like the idea of adopt a grandparent.

trumpisagit · 02/08/2021 15:18

A local church has a befriending service for older people and children. There are similarly lots of older people without grandchildren.
Could you see if there is something similar locally?
My children don't have any grandparents they see frequently, although they do have some far away ones.

DextrousCT · 02/08/2021 16:07

My two DS has a similar lack of GPs, due to death, distance or disinterest. As I had grown up with annual long visits to two sets of GPs and assorted cousins, I knew my DSs would be lacking the sense of connection that comes from belonging to a larger family group or clan. I resolved to play additional roles of indulgent relative when they were young. I am pleased to say that although I was the strict parent, I made sure my children were indulged as I would have like their relatives to have done so, especially over holidays. My DH and I also retold family anecdotes and history that would normally have come from our elders. As they are now young adults, I am awakening a few dormant family connections they can pursue if they like.

dottymac · 02/08/2021 16:50

I am. It's the pits 😞

lavenderandwisteria · 02/08/2021 16:53

I hear you

Mine are both dead, unfortunately. They were mid thirties when they had me and I was 40 when I had ds. My mum died when I was 17 and my dad when I was early thirties.

It is really hard, as I am shattered with ds sleep just now and desperate for some respite!

DramaAlpaca · 02/08/2021 16:57

I grew up with very involved grandparents, especially my wonderful maternal grandmother. My children sadly didn't. DH's parents were too old/infirm to be closely involved, and mine aren't particularly interested and live too far away anyway. I'm sad about it, but it is what it is.

ShrimpingViolet · 02/08/2021 16:58

Totally understand your pain OP. My DD is 2 and we have just lost her amazing DGM, my DP's mum, who I also adored. She was only 60 and died very suddenly and she is irreplaceable.

My own mother is completely uninterested. My DF and my own DGPs who I am very close to live 4 hours away.

DP's dad is local and still an involved grandad but he doesn't have the confidence and close relationship that his mum had...and he is grieving. Feel like DD (and our second DC, as I am pregnant) have been truly robbed

Original poster

lonelyparent · 02/08/2021 17:02

Wow so many of us in the same situation. It's so hard isn't it 😥
I do like the adopt a grandparent thing! So adorable.

OP posts:

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 02/08/2021 17:03

Same here. DD should have had four brilliant grandparents but unfortunately has none. I really feel for her as I learned so much from my grandparents. We also live next to a family with a girl the same age as DD who has three full sets of GPs (through divorce and remarriage) and DD often says that she wishes she had GPs. Worse still, DD is an only child because I couldn't have any more children after having her.

Comedycook · 02/08/2021 17:05

My own parents are dead and just have mil on DH side. She is the most uninterested, useless GP possible.

Runnerduck34 · 02/08/2021 17:10

Yanbu to feel sad about it, we are in same situation, dc are teens now but through both geography and if I'm honest lack of interest our dc do not have close relationship with GPs.
I was sad when they were smalland saw how friends parents enthused about their grandchildren and the support my friends got from their parents but am now resigned to it, you cant change it , keep communication open,invites coming, in the past I did ask for help, which to be fair my mum gave but she wouldn't have volunteered without me asking.

CarolinaWeeper · 02/08/2021 17:17

I am in a similar situation and it's something that upsets me a lot to be honest. One set of grandparents are wonderful but at the opposite end of the country so we only see them a couple of times a year. One is dead and the other one isn't at all interested and we hardly see them. I have friends and cousins where the children see their grandparents every week, others provide childcare and pick them up from school and I do honestly feel jealous that my DC will never have that. It is what it is though, my DC have a loving, happy home and a lot of children don't even have that.

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